Couch 208: The Practical Couch

This is a mind-bogglingly non-therapeutic response.

Your needs are for you to consider, attend to, and explore. He is describing his needs - how he needs you to behave in order to remain palatable to him. The idea of needs being characterised as monstrous (tiny or otherwise) is really alarming. Recognising and responding to your needs is a really healthy development and it does not fit with the idea that only a certain level of need is appropriate. Managing your needs is an important part of this development, including what happens when your needs can't be met, but this is not dependent on what he decides is appropriate for you or not. Of course, he will maintain his boundaries, but that maintenance must be a way to protect his boundary and not diminish your needs.

Really, I am amazed by his stupidity (and not for the first time). By contrast, my therapist (who by god I know is not without her problems of approach) will not entertain my use of the word "needy" because it is loaded and judgmental. "Needy is negative. It is not needy to have needs".

... And I think it is particularly problematic for a male therapist to be encouraging a female client to contain herself for fear that she might become monstrous. You don't have to be a man-hating old crone like me (or unaluna) to understand the feminist interpretation of that dynamic.

Well, slightly to his credit, he acknowledged that "needy" was not the right word to be using. But it did make me feel pretty bad. I may be talking to him about it today and also the feelings of shame that came up from our conversation. Shame that I'm, according to him, looking for certain things in the wrong places--"wrong tree." It was a conversation that quickly went from insightful and validating (that he understands why I'm looking for certain things, if I didn't/still don't get them from my parents) to leading me to feel shame. I'm sure that wasn't his intention.

But yeah, it did seem more about *his* comfort with my needs vs. my comfort. I understand he has to have boundaries. Like, even if I feel the need for a hug from him, I know he's not willing to give it (it's a blanket rule he has for clients that he told me on day 1, not just me). And that's OK. And I get that I may feel a need to contact him at 2 a.m., but I know he will have his phone turned off (or probably be p***ed if he left it on). But I also want to be able to talk about those wants/needs without having to worry so much about his feelings or for him to have to say stuff like "I'm not a touchy-feely person in regular life either." Like, OK, whatever, I don't care if you're a hugger, but I'd want to talk about what it's about for me that I want that. (I don't actually want to hug him, this just seemed an easy example.)

And there's other stuff I want to talk about, like I feel the nature of my fantasies about him have shifted some, but I'm sure that would freak him the hell out. (He's fine with my saying I sometimes have sexual thought about him, saying we can't control those and everyone has them.) I was sort of amazed he didn't run out the room when I told him about the paternal dream I had about him the other night, where he was on my couch reading a book to me. But he also doesn't put much stock in dreams... Though he asked me questions about how my recent dream involving ex-MC made me feel, so...

I just feel like I've been trying to keep the therapeutic relationship out of it since going back 2 months ago, and I feel the therapy has been quite effective since then, lots of good insights, getting along well, etc. But at some point, I need to discuss the relationship. Or else then I'm suppressing *that* need for his comfort or for fear of rocking the boat...

I hadn't thought of that angle...he can seem a tad sexist at times, but I just ignore it. Well, I call him out on it occasionally.

Oh, we use the little desks still. Most classrooms have the table Scarlet mentioned. Students with mobility issues use them, overweight students, left handed students (desks are almost all right handed).

Newer classrooms are all tables now, but most universities don’t have the money to rip out old seats and replace them en masse. (Though they might if they didn’t spend so much on university administrator salaries or new student amenities. )

Wow...that seems bizarre to me, but thanks for the explanation.

Oh, couch. What on Earth is wrong with me?

Last night the former mentor I'm staying with (for whom I've been feeling all these maternal longings) noticed that I was looking melancholic and asked what was wrong, if she could help. I asked her to sit next to me for a while, leaned my head against her shoulder, let her stroke my hair.

I felt next to nothing. This kind of care is what I've longed for and yet when I it was given to me it I felt empty.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I don't think there's anything wrong with you- just that struggling with depression day in and day out drains the heck out of you making it harder to feel .

I think it says alot about your relationship when you feel so much better when they're not there.

That's great! I loved sociology and anything psychology related. Hence why I'm now doing my Masters in psychology/mental health. Mine is all online, one class at a time. I don't think I could handle more.

I got a reminder this morning for my psychiatrist appointment on Monday. I think I don't want to go and should reschedule. The pharmacy hasn't filled my prescription yet so I've been off something this whole week. Plus this week I also I know that's what they're there for but I worry he'll

Amy (EMDR/DBT therapist) and I were literally just talking about needs yesterday, specifically in terms of outside contact, and I even used the word "monster" to describe myself (half-jokingly.) She said that DBT has different treatment targets, and life-threatening behaviors are the first level, followed by therapy-interfering behaviors. She said that in DBT, the client and the therapist both have the ability to bring up treatment-interfering behaviors, and she gave the example of a client who she felt wanted more from her outside session than she could reasonably provide. But she very much took a "Hey, this isn't going to be sustainable for our relationship in the long term, what can we do to work together to change this?" approach. It's the same basic idea -- how can you [the client] get your needs met when people [like the therapist] have limits -- but the power dynamic and level of judgment the client likely felt are totally different.

I feel compassion for Dr. T because I think you are bumping up against his own limits/issues as a human, not even necessarily his training as a therapist. What, exactly, does one DO with emotions that are bigger than they know what to do with? I know the usual list of healthy coping strategies, but it seems like his implicit message is that you should somehow be able to make the feelings go away so they don't bother other people. That is likely how he treats himself and other people in his life too.

Ugh. So relatable. I have a sister-in-law who is significantly older and very maternal/big sisterly, and I want nothing more than for her to pay attention to me and care for me. But then the last time I was at her house, she put a blanket on me when I was lying on the couch, and it kind of made me want to scream and run out the front door. Which is... not normal.

I want to leave work it’s not like I’m doing anything today anyway.

Uuuuuuugh

Thanks, EM. I do get the sense that this is a limitation in his non-therapist life as well, from some things he's said. Like, when the whole conflict happened with my wanting him to stand when I leave (which he always does now...despite it being a huge NOPE before), he said how he doesn't like to be controlled or have people tell him what to do, and that applies to other people in his outside life as well.

The thing is, I often try various coping strategies (OK, I've been bad with the exercise component lately!), and he knows that. I never go right to contacting him. I recall once saying that if I'm sitting on the couch sobbing, doing a downward dog (yoga pose) isn't going to help me. He agreed, saying then the tears would just fall on the floor instead of my lap. And I reach out to friends, but I also worry about burning them out. Or I post on here. Sometimes talking to H helps. Or distraction techniques, like TV, listening to music, maybe one of those painting classes. But the problem with distraction is, it just pushes things away temporarily. Sometimes it's enough and the bad feelings go away. But other times, all I'm doing is pushing them from, say, 2 p.m. to 11 p.m., when my options in coping strategies are much more limited.

The thing is...what you say about his saying that I should just make the feelings go away or keep them inside--that seems quite a bit like the message I got as a child. So I'm not sure how that's helping me now...I want therapy to be a safe place where I can share pretty much anything (obviously not, like physically threaten him or something), where all feelings and emotions are safe. But I'm not so sure about that...I mean, even with ex-MC, it was all safe for a long time, until suddenly, it wasn't...

I am super impressed by all the coping strategies you use and how hard you try (the duck paddling furiously thing). I completely relate to the echoes of childhood emotional neglect, and I am not totally sure what the answer is either. I have been working on self-compassion (after watching a dumb TED Talk, which I still can't believe actually helped), and I have found EMDR helpful for learning to tolerate emotions and reducing reactivity. But still, geez. It's hard! And it seems like Dr. T might not know exactly what to do with intense emotions and/or naturally sensitive people either.

Well, today's session ended up being pretty intense. And I shared something I hadn't really intended to today, how I'd had the thought of "I love you" cross through my head when I left the other day. And I said not romantically, more like I just felt really appreciative of what he'd given me that day. That it was something I'd needed. Then I started sobbing with my hands over my eyes and said, "Please don't make me leave..." (I feel like I could have been a training video for "clients with anxious/preoccupied attachment"). He said he wouldn't and was really understanding about all of it. Including that I pulled the word "love" because there are only so many words to describe that feeling. That it was probably about his having given me something I'd needed that day. When we were wrapping up, he said he imagined we weren't done talking about the "I love you" thought bubble. I said probably not, and that I liked the idea of it being a cartoon thing popping up above my head. He made a "poof!" sound and smiled. I said I'd probably stress about it until I see him Tuesday.


As I was leaving, as he shook my hand, he told me he hoped I could have a good weekend and that i wouldn't stress about things too much. That "all is well here." I said I'd do my best. He did give me a "take care," too.

There was a lot more in that session, too--might write it up later.

I fear I have killed the couch...Appreciate the hugs though!


(Apparently I even have anxious attachment to the couch...)

Ah, the couch is un-killable ...lol

I'm feeling so much better today physically

Hi everyone! Ugh. I have a migraine. I'm exhausted. And I have a problem at work. The problem is with another employee who happens to be married to the General Manager. So yeah, I can't go to him about it because he's not going to be unbiased. I would go directly to the other employee, that would be my preference, but my dealings with her in the past have led to major passive/aggressive behavior on her end towards me when I tried to talk to her about what I needed from her in order to do my job effectively. Which wasn't by the way, different than what I needed from any other employee. But she threw a fit and the big boss at the time (this was before the business sold) decided she didn't have to do what everyone else had to do and she made my life a living hell! So I debated about how to approach it, or even if to approach it and face the wrath that was sure to come my way. I talked to my parents about it last night, and my former boss. Then today I talked to the one person in the organization that I absolutely trust to not talk to anyone else about it, and get his opinion on how to handle it. I still didn't know, so I skyped one of the owners and asked when she was coming to CA again. She said she didn't know. She was like, do you need me? I was like of course! I always need you! But I told her a little bit about the problem without mentioning names or specifics. So she asked to call me and I agreed. I just shut my office door for privacy. So she came up with three or four different ways it could be handled and she wants to think about it some more before she decides what is the best way to go. She told me not to worry. (Ha!) I just want it to be the end of the day, so it could be the weekend. So I don't have to think about this tomorrow. I'm sure I'll think about it on Sunday because it's back to work on Monday. Ugh I feel like crap. And it's such a little issue but it's an example of a larger systemic issue that we have at our organization, which is now complicated by the fact that this person is married to the General Manager. I just want to roll up in the corner and disappear. HUGS Kit