Couch 208: The Practical Couch

Welcome to the couch, old and new! A place to hang out - sometimes you get immediate feedback, sometimes you don't.

Shouting, "Cool Whip" tends to bring others out from between the cushions if you're feeling lonely.

This is a chatty thread. All are welcome. We're kind of psychologically oriented, sometimes. We try to be supportive. At times we discuss what that means.

It’s a place to plop down on the couch when you come home from work or wherever, or wake up in the middle of the night, or check in at lunch, rant a bit or not, and be among friends.

We advise you not to drink or drug and text your therapist ("T") - we speak from experience.

Sometimes the thread moves fast and you might get overlooked; sometimes it moves slowly and all you hear are crickets. Sometimes you get hugged or thanked pages later. So if it's a bigger question, you might want to start a new thread.

Grab a cushion, a spot on the floor, or an armchair in the corner and make yourselves comfy.

208 is a practical number.

Hi new couch!
I'm at my therapist's office 40 minutes early since I came straight from taking my son to school. About to use this time to call the local SA helpline to chat with them about a few things.

Proud of you, @SheHulk07. I hope they are helpful.

Hi new Couch.

Hugs, Jersey. As a parent, I would not characterize yelling an appropriate boundary as screaming at the child. And in their shoes I would be darn tootin' sure that you were getting the support you needed. (And give you a significant raise.) They know just how challenging their kid is.

Still not divorced.

But since the kids' dad moved out Saturday, I have slept all night 5/5 nights in a row. My brain is clearer. I keep finding myself taking deep breaths and letting them out in a wave of relief. I feel more like myself than I have for years.

It's weird.

Thank you. I spoke to an advocate quickly and got the number for case management. I left a message for them to talk about next steps. I just want to know my options and be connected just in case.

LostontheTrail, thanks for jumping on the new couch!

Fuzzy, yeah isnt taking a deep breath great? Its one of those, you dont know what youve got til its gone. Or, you REALLY appreciate it when it returns. I was having a physical lung problem last week, coughing up something, so this morning i took a breath WITHOUT it "catching" and i was like yay, finally.

I don't know if I want to no-show on my therapist today because I want to attempt to hurt him (although I'm not sure that's even possible) or if it's because I'm feeling hurt now and want to protect myself from being hurt again today or because I don't know what to say to him or something else entirely. At the very least, I'm going to drive to his building and decide from there.

I hope you make the right choice for yourself.

I do think it's bad timing- cutting back on the calls and sessions? No wonder it would trigger your abandonment feelings. Do you feel like you're ready to cut down on sessions?

No! I'm attached to him and I always have something to talk about. I told him I'd cut down to once a week. He didn't think that was a good idea. I said okay, let's cut down to twice a week immediately. Nope, he didn't think it was the time to do that either. I'm not ready to do either thing, but I will. I'm just so incredibly frustrated.

Today's session with Dr. T ended up getting quite intense in the second half. One of the few times I couldn't speak in there due to the intensity of crying in one moment. There was sort of a breakthrough about paternal transference stuff. D had a rough night Monday, and I was telling T how I wanted to reach out to him, but it was late and I knew he wouldn't see it, so I just did my best to hold onto connection from earlier in session that day. He was impressed by the growth in that. He also said maybe he was the wrong person to reach out to, and would I have felt OK reaching out to my mom? I said no, that she likely would have been dismissive.

We'd been talking about paternal transference (for ex-MC and occasionally for Dr. T) a bit earlier. He said how he's thought at times how if a parent is misattuned to a child, it's not just about missing out on stuff in childhood. How it can also be about what you don't get from your parents in adulthood. And he said he felt with ex-MC and him, I was looking for stuff I wanted from them, like statements of unconditional love. I said I knew I couldn't get that from them because of their role. T: "In a way, it's like you're barking up the wrong tree. But then, what if you go out there, and you realize there aren't any trees to bark at?" Me: "Yeah...and then I'm like, 'OK, you're a large bush, close enough, so I'll bark at you."

I also said, in relation to that, how when I thought his son was on the spectrum--adding that I wasn't asking him about it now--but I thought that he was someone who could really get it. I had trouble getting that out, I was crying so hard. I apologized for the crying, he said was OK. And I think I saw him wipe away a tear, too.

T finally drew the line today that I've been wanting to know for a while....when is it okay to call him.
He said even if it's in the middle of the night to call. He may not answer but he'll always get back to me in the morning.
And that if I'm thinking of Then that's the line when I need to do something different and try calling him.

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated. Personally I liked being on three sessions a week the one time we did do that, but I wouldn't been able to afford it long term. The step down from my normal two to one since this school year has started has been huge and very noticeable now that we're in rupture mode but it needs to be gradual.

Dr. T also said today "I care deeply about your well-being." It was in relation to my feeling in the past like "I care about your well-being" wasn't enough, wanting "I care about you." But it meant something to me today. Because, as he's said, it's about the nature of the relationship, not the level of caring. And I said how I felt I was learning to accept caring that wasn't in the exact words or way I wanted. From him and others, like H or friends. And he said that was a huge amount of progress.

Did you feel ok about him saying/asking this?

Ugh, just sent an email to my paper-writing advisor telling him I'm stuck and need help. I feel stupid.

Thats great i can never ask for help ever. Its good you can ask for help. Dont feel stupid

My ipad had an update and i dont know what i am doing but it goes into split screen and opens up links that i didnt think i clicked on. I am off to see if its a sensitivity control somewhere
Eta think i have fixed it

It was a bit painful, and I think I said something to that effect in session, regarding his maybe not being the right person to reach out to. Because it was like, "OK, who else am I going to reach out to?" I did mention H, and he said he figured he might not give me what I needed/wanted. I think Dr. T understands his role for me...but I feel I'm unsure whether he wants it? Like he might accept it, because, OK, that's where I am. But I wonder if he thinks "I wish LT didn't want this from me."

Still fighting pneumonia but feeling a little better (I took a shower today and went to the pharmacy early this morning). While at the pharmacy this elderly lady was berating the poor cashier about the price of batteries (one of those huge packs of like 30 batteries). I thought the cashier was going to cry and the lady was screaming and swearing so I told her to stop being a "F'ing witch" - only I didn't use those words. It's so unlike me to say something too. I told the cashier to hang in there - meanwhile, I was coughing my head off the entire time. It was just so weird that I reacted so strongly (I'm not usually much of a reactor - I'm pretty chill).

T emailed me today to see how I'm feeling. I haven't written back yet but I should probably do that. My Dad also sent me an airline gift card for my birthday so that I can go visit him this winter (he lives in a nice climate).

I'm really hoping I can return to work on Monday.