Feel Let Down

So I had a family bereavement at the weekend that I really struggled with. I wasn’t sure if I should contact my T to let him know as he doesn’t really do out of session contact. But after advice on here I emailed him just to make him aware of what had happened and I was finding it really hard to deal with. He replied thanking me for letting him know and he would make sure we explored how I was feeling in today’s session.
This morning I got a txt saying he had to cancel as his babysitter had cancelled and that he will see me next week. No comment or questions about how I’m coping. I am angry at him, but really struggle in dealing with anger, I hate it and don’t know how to process it. He knows my history of repeated abandonment by people but it just feels like he has done exactly the same at a time I needed him. I get that I’m being totally unreasonable as of course he will put his kids first, but to not even bother to ask if I was ok hurts me. I know it will be to do with his boundaries and avoiding getting in to therapy mode outside of sessions but still I feel like just texting him and saying I’m not going to bother coming back.

I am so, so sorry for what you're going through. First and foremost, I am very sorry to hear about the death in your family. I hope you're taking care of yourself. Secondly, you have every right to feel angry and hurt because of what your T did. I've been in your exact situation before. As painful as it is, I've learned it's better in the long run to have the conversation with your T the next time you meet, rather than jump ship (which can feel a lot easier to do, especially when you feel angry and hurt). It might take a long time to trust your T again, but it will be worth it. My T has told me before that she "doesn't know what she doesn't know." In other words, she isn't a mind reader and doesn't know when/if she is hurting me. And like my T, I'm sure your T is never intentionally trying to hurt or dismiss you.

Ugh. I am so sorry. You took such a huge risk, he validated it but now this! I know it isn’t something he has control over but to handle it by text doesn’t sit well with me. I would be incredibly hurt and angry. Please don’t jump ship though. While it is hard to see my T doing this I can see him doing something that would make me feel similar. My T would want a chance to talk through it and make amends and I would hope your T would too. Is there any possibility of seeing him sooner than next week?

He didn’t offer me the option of an earlier session so I’m presuming that means he has no availability.

How do you think it would feel if you responded to him with something like "I'm sorry about the babysitter. That has to be hard, but I am really struggling because of ___'s death. Do you have any availability before next week?" He probably isn't meaning to hurt you and it is possible that he doesn't think you would be able to come another time.

I'm so sorry. That would massively upset me, especially not to get any acknowledgement of how the cancellation may affect me under the circumstances. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. I like Maybeblue's idea because even if your T confirmed he has no availability you're making clear how you feel and asking for what you need. These things can help you feel a little bit better than doing nothing. And who knows, maybe your T's reply will surprise you if he knows how bad you feel. It's unfair but sometimes you do need to spell it out.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can talk through it with your T and talk through your feelings with your T or here on PC or somewhere so that they get heard and validated. It was poor timing on your T's part. And it's too bad he didn't think to add more to the text. I mean, maybe he could have called you to let you know he wasn't going to make it and that might have been a little better. At least hearing his voice....I'm sorry you had to experience this. HUGS Kit

I am so sorry for your loss in the family, and also that your T compounded it. That would be insensitive for a friendly acquaintance, never mind your therapist. He has a very serious job, and should have a childcare plan B . Yes, if his child was critically ill or had a huge emergency than of course, his kids come first . However, this seems like irresponsible care of you given your email, and you should come first at your session time . This is his work, and it is serious work. At the bare minimum, he should have addressed what difficult timing this would be for you.

The truth is our therapists have lives, as do we. If we had a childcare problem and had to go to work, most of us would stay with our child. Children are our first priority. He should have been more sensitive about explaining the problem and enquired how you were dong. That was his error.

My therapist's daughter just went into labor across the country. I just found out. She'll be gone two weeks. We've been working on tough stuff recently, but I wished her a mazel tov and safe trip. I told her I'd see her in two weeks. Not much else I could say.

2 weeks after just having a baby? Wow!

@KLL85: My T has cancelled bc of childcare stuff, and it sucks. She only works late one night a week (my night), so she can't reschedule. I would feel let down, and maybe tell your T next week how it made you feel, bc even though you have abandonment issues, maybe he doesn't equate them with having to cancel. I don't know.