How to bring up being hurt by T to T

How do you bring up being hurt by something (minor) that your therapist did? I’m really bad at this because I always assume I am wrong for feeling certain things. So I tend to bottle things up because I’m afraid of appearing too sensitive or downright crazy for being upset over something so minor. But I want to have an authentic relationship with him in therapy, and I think it’s important to be honest, especially about the things that make me feel vulnerable and ashamed. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

When I started therapy, my T said that if and when she did things that worked or didn’t work for me, I should tell her. So I usually send an email saying I’m telling her xyz, because she told me to, and that therapy is all about changing patterns and stepping out of comfort zones.
Good luck.

Depends on the nature of the specific topic, but I am very direct. I would say things like "I disagree with you on... because..." or "I think you are wrong in your assumption/interpretation regarding ... (then offer mine)" or "I didn't like when you said/did x because...". I would always try to explain as clearly as possible why I think something was wrong or why I am upset. Most of these things, for me, came from misunderstanding or the other person not taking responsibility. I communicate the same way outside of therapy, so it wasn't anything new or too challenging for me. One thing that I sometimes cannot handle and when lose my temper is passive aggression and deflecting, especially repeatedly. One of my Ts was very much like that - in the end, I just dumped him because we were so incompatible in resolving conflict.

I really struggle with this too. I always find it a lot easier to be honest in writing rather than in person, plus I can articulate feelings more easily written down. If this is true for you, consider sending an email or writing a letter and reading it out in session. If you feel you'd rather talk about it with her, you could perhaps send a text or email prior to the session saying you're feeling hurt by an issue and would like to discuss it, then T is aware and you'd be less likely to get there and find you can't talk about it.

In terms of what to actually say, my advice would be keep your letter or email (if you write one) concise rather than go into masses of detail. This is from my own experience where writing loads actually caused more misunderstandings. This may not be the case with your T, but even so I think it's always better to be short and direct about how you feel and why, then T can hopefully address it with you. Also, focus on how you feel in response to the issue i.e 'I'm feeling x, y, z' rather than use confrontational phrases ike 'You made me feel x, y,z' So keep the focus on you and your pain. I'm only saying this as some Ts become defensive, even though they're not supposed to.

These days I feel safer to bring up issues in person with t, so I will say something like 'I'm really struggling and it relates to something you said in x session' to which T will usually ask if I can say more. If I'm really brave, I might say 'I'm feeling really sad about something we talked about last week and it relates to our relationship' or something like that.

I think the emailing or writing down of what you want to say could be helpful, or find a way to backdoor the conversation from a less direct angle if you don’t want to blurt it out. Perhaps talk about something related and then say, “btw, I was sort of hurt by X because of Y and Z.”

It takes me a long time to get to the point where I can tell my therapist something she did or said really hurt. Truthfully, I sometimes run my feelings about the incident by my psychiatrist for perspective. It keeps me from overreacting or beating myself up over something that may in the end be really small.

I would write it out at first. I would recommend staying away from emailing and just addressing it directly though. Email can cause more anxiety because you spend so much time trying to dissect what the therapist feels and it gets to be messy. Write it down and either read it or have your T read it, then discuss in session. It’s something that gets easier the more you do it, but it is terrifying when you start. Good luck!

I think it depends with the emails. For example, I almost never got anxious about or dissected what the T might be feeling when I emailed them and also didn't wait obsessively for their response. But I very much like the idea to give (and also get, when I am supposed to be the consultant) people time to think more deeply, maybe do some research, before expressing their views and giving advice. When it comes to being upset and conflicts, I think having a bit of time to think through can be especially helpful and make things much more effective. Others may prefer more spontaneity though - my first T was like that and that was one of the many reasons we were not a good fit.

The first time Emdr T said something that really bothered I wrote a letter to her and handed it to her at the next appointment. I gave it to her. She asked if she should respond or finish reading. After she finished reading we discussed it.

Since then if something bugs me I tell her. She handles it well.

I find it much easier to express feelings in email, and so I am trying hard to do it in person now. I am trying to use "When you said ______, I felt _____ " formula. That usually works well with therapists. I think it is important to be honest about feelings, even if it is minor. Most therapists reinforce that as long as you aren't abusive because it is good practice for "real life."

Minor things can be the best things to bring up, because they point to something specific and probably not so obvious that's a problem for you. My T is always really receptive when I tell him about things he did that bothered me. Plus I have trouble being open about other stuff if I'm holding something back, so it's better to get it out of the way. My advice would be to just say it directly. "It bothered me when you ______."

I don't exchange emails with my T but sometimes I write things out beforehand. It helps me think about exactly what I'm going to say and why I want to say it.

I was taught the sandwich or Oreo method: start off with positives, then put in the issue(s), then state what you need/want/hope for, but again positive.

For the past 17 years, I have made it a goal of mine to try to be honest all the time especially in therapy. And in therapy, my goal is both honesty and openness and I expect the same from my T. So if they do something that hurts me, I tells them. Usually, it's in the form of an email the night after the session. That when I tend to process things.

bring it up at the start of your next session... "you said/did X and I found it upsetting". It's good to get into the habit of bringing these things up, however minor, because it tests the relationship and allows you and your therapist to practice rupture and repair, which in turn helps build trust.

If I do it in a more mature, sane way, I straight up inform her that I feel [x] about [y]. However, it really seems like since starting therapy I've been on a downward spiral in terms of my ability to communicate in a direct manner. I have no idea why. She has never discouraged me from expressing anger or anything. Yet I have become a passive aggressive monster when I used to be very direct. At best, I send her a text message putting her on blast while also throwing a pity party for myself and threatening not to return. I have also just generally refused to even tell her that I am upset with words and scowled, grimaced, and sulked instead to let her know that I'm unhappy with her. I'm being a bit of a nightmare, tbh. I don't like myself for acting like this and I don't recommend it. I would go with the first strategy I mentioned.

Thank you all—really good advice here. I think I’ll
Write it down so that I can organise my thoughts and say it in session next time. We’ve never had a rupture so I’m stressing about it, but I’m also excited at the possibility of allowing the relationship to grow by getting through it.

I've been angry with my T MANY times, although I've only actually told her about 5% of the time when I'm angry. I don't recommend bottling it up, no matter how big or small the anger is. I have found that, without you even knowing it, anger can affect your progress and focus in therapy... also, when I bottle up, it all comes spilling out later on, which then becomes way too much to work through at one time with my T.

Are you allowed to email your T? If so, I would send an email saying you were hurt by X. You can decide how vulnerable you want to be in the email. Your T should then be able to drive the conversation the next time you meet, if you're too nervous to bring it up on your own.

I find myself sugarcoating how angry I am when I see my T in person, whereas in email I can really let her have it When we're in person, she always says "you can scream at me, I can take it" but I never do

Good luck!