Longing

I have moments between sessions where I feel a painful longing. I associate it with my T, but I’m very aware that it’s not him I’m longing for. Still, it’s hard to separate the feeling from the person. I don’t feel it when I’m with him, just when we’re apart. It’s a deep yearning sort of sadness and I don’t feel it all the time, but when I do, it’s intense and almost unbearable. I’m aware that although he’s very kind, he’s also human and imperfect and normal. He’s probably even boring. The fact that he’s not a great writer helps me knock him down a notch in my mind, but it certainly doesn’t get rid of the feeling. The fact that he’s not very articulate in writing is something I can convince my self is sort of endearing. I sort of crave normalcy, whatever that is. Anyway, I could get rid of this longing and go about my life if I quit therapy. I bet my T would say that it would still be there somewhere in my life. I wonder if that’s true and if therapy is really helpful for this kind of pain and emptiness though. I know he’ll never be able to make it better even though that sounds nice to me.

Sometimes I feel a ‘home sickness’ when I’m missing T or PrevT.
Does it feel like home sickness...badly missing a person, place or a time in your life?

I feel painful longings for places I have lived..and for times in my life. I feel ‘homesickness’ for people I have known.

But my homesickness for PrevT has been about the worst. For me, it feels like grieving sometimes.

Yep, I relate as well.

Do you know what it IS you're really longing for? Can you discuss it with T (I'm guessing you haven't already)?

I'm starting to open up about how bad the longing is between sessions, in my case for more of her, and this is something I've never done with previous ts, and while it's very early days, I do feel a bit more able to cope after being honest. There's something to be said for meeting yourself where you are, whether that's admitting it to T or yourself. It's just often more powerful with someone else and maybe T can help you work through some of this sadness and longing. Yes, nothing is going to change insofar as T can't give you exactly what you need but it's freeing being able to admit the feelings, I think. Maybe even transformative on some level.

Maybe it would disappear if you quit but I think your T is likely right if he said the longing would reappear in some form because it's there for a reason. It might be that there is another way to face this longing but that's for you to work out. In the meantime I think if you feel able to bring this to your t relationship that might bring some clarity and even some sort of release.

Regarding writing, I've been needing to let this out for some time about the one I see. One time not that long ago, I texted her a sort of woe is me thing where I used the word "loser." When she responded, she spelled it "looser." It really bothered me. In fact, I was so bothered that I felt compelled to respond and use the correct spelling again to give her a chance to redeem herself. Unfortunately, she again spelled "loser" as "looser." I'm not sure if it bothered me more that she was misspelling it or that she must have thought I was the one who didn't know how to spell.

Anyway, I tried to be thankful that she gave me not one but two responses. I was just kind of distracted by the error...

Also, one time recently she called me Suzanne. That has nothing to do with anything, it was just a random gripe that entered my mind to share.

Sorry, I don't know the answer about if therapy can help you. I wish there was a straightforward answer.

I can relate too. I've been talking with L recently. It's nothing that can be resolved. What I realistically need from her is emotionally understanding me. To sit with me in the pain. To care and love me. And in that, I'm not alone in my suffering. That's all I can ask of her and all she can give. It gives me some peace even though the struggle is still there.

Longing is an intriguing emotion, because it is the ultimate in bittersweet. There are great literary works written about the emotion, or feeling, of longing.

I saw my T yesterday and when I told him that it can feel painful between sessions he said exactly this. That my pain hasn’t felt understood or something like that. But I said that I don’t feel that way. And that I wouldn’t understand how to get my pain understood anyway. It’s not like I have a single event to get off my chest, and it’s not like I feel the painful longing all the time. I got a teensy bit frustrated with him, telling him that he helps create this yearning feeling by not disclosing much about himself and by being kind and understanding so then I create this idealized image of him and I want more, but can’t have it. Ugh.

I don't comprehend how understanding would help. It wouldn't make it go away. I feel like I'm missing the point.

I think he’s saying that he believes it is necessary to share difficult experiences with others and that it can’t fully be worked through “in isolation” (his words).

Maybe he means validation more than understanding? Because I've found that's been something really meaningful to me with therapy. As I feel I lacked (still do!) validation from my parents as a child/teen/adult. I tend to have a lot of self-doubt and fear that I'm overreacting to things. So my T validating my feelings or something like "I understand why that would be painful" or "Your D is a very challenging child to raise" can mean a lot to me.

Emotionally understanding someone is similar to empathy and validation. They are with you in the pain. Yes, it doesn't solve anything. Sometimes there's no solution, so being with someone in their pain allows the person to feel a little bit more at easy because they're not alone. I think that's the biggest thing is to know you're not alone in your struggles. That someone is there and caring for you.

Yeah, I think maybe validation is probably a better word. I also feel like maybe I’ve overreacted to things in my past. I’m not even sure I can validate my own experience not to mention ask someone else to do it with me. I sometimes feel like he’s being patronizing if he tries to validate my experience, so that makes it tough, I guess.

I’ve found that to be genuinely understood by my T, has been very healing. Even if he hasn’t personally experienced it himself, he knows from experience with other clients and study what is going on, described it better than I can, and that generates a lot of relief and healing. Perhaps you haven’t 100% experienced this yet or you have and the longing is for someone in your non therapy part of life to play the same role? Someone who is more accessible to you on a shared person to person level unlike therapists where it’s mostly one sided?

Yeah, at the moment this rings true. I’ve had some struggles with my son which sometimes feel insurmountable and what I’d really like is validation from my mother who is alive, but who I haven’t had contact with for over two years. I’m an adult with a teenage son, but I still sort of crave validation from my mom. Isn’t that funny? I’d like her to tell me that I’m doing a good job and that I’m a good mom because it doesn’t feel that way sometimes. I know I won’t get that from her though and it bums me out. It just feels like the kind of thing that would only have meaning coming from your mom.

My longing has shifted over time. I think this is due to internalization of T and mommy object. Not sure. It went from painful longing, to sad longing, to missing, to wanting... all of T. Now it's more missing and wanting the safe space that is T and T's office. The transference is also shifting or changing or something. It used to feel like T was mommy at times and we have done lots of stuff as if T was mommy. During that time, T felt like mommy both when I was with her and when I wasn't. Now, she only feels like mommy when I'm not with her. Then when I see her, she's T and it's hard to feel the mommy wanting/missing feelings I feel when we are not together. This shifts a lot still as whenever I am scared, hurt, anxious - anything really off kilter, I want mommy = I want T = I want to feel safe. I feel safe and good with T, in T's office so I want that, want to return to that.

I guess for me, I see it as the process of internalizing that safe person and space that is supposed to be the primary caregiver (mommy object) and getting the parts flowing together. Right now there's lots of sadness because I can't seem to stay in touch with my younger self (which is one of the few places I can feel happiness and joy) at the same time, there isn't nearly the chaos in my head of competing thoughts or arguments. I don't talk as mean to myself as I used to... and so on. T has said that this is part of the process (or at least part of my process). Basically, it's a common place to be, this inner quietness/stillness as things are shifting.

So - even though your T will not be able to replace your mom telling you that she is proud of you; which I think is a completely natural want. I do think the right T has the potential to help someone find inner peace and safety. Even if it might be an extremely slow process. There's also the possibility that your T will be able to say something as if or in a way that would be as if your mom said it.

Thanks, Elio. I do understand feeling one way about T when you are away from her and another way when you are with her. That definitely happens to me. I’m just more sensible and adulti-ish when I’m with him. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your T and have experienced a lot of growth. It’s nice to hear that kind of story.