How to bring this up?

Lately I have been revealing some pretty painful things that I have never told ANYONE before. Along with it comes feelings of shame, disgust, and fear that people will think I am a horrible person. T has reassured me that I am none of those things. However I can't help feeling like she is saying that because she is suppose to.

One of the things that works well for us is to bring things up but not even sure how to approach the subject. One of the things I really want to say is that everybody makes some type of judgment whether negative or positive and if she felt any of the negatives she would never tell anybody

This is something that has recently come up with me and my T. I am still working on trust and being open with him and I told him that part of the reason was because of fear of judgement. I explained that although I know he will just say there is no judgement from him, I believe that there most likely is but he has just been trained not to show it.
His response was to say that he is human and there are times when his feelings, thoughts and opinions do differ to mine, sometimes negatively and sometimes positively. But he is able to see past his own feelings and opinions to ensure he supports me in the best way possible because at the end of the day it’s what I think about myself and the situations I’ve been through that matters.
I was upset by his response and I am still working on whether it’s something I can accept and move past, but I’m glad he was honest. I do think it’s impossible for someone to be completely judgement free in such a personal relationship.

My long term T and I had this conversation once. When I was struggling to tell her something she asked if I was afraid she would judge me. I told her part of me trusted her enough to know that she didn't but that yes I sometimes struggled with it. Her response was that it wasn't really about her judging me but rather me judging myself. That was a lightbulb moment for me with her.

Current T though, I guess I struggle more because she is always so positive

I agree that everyone judges. However, I think maybe you are conflating that somewhat on an emotional level with everyone sharing the same judgements as you - especially on certain topics. I think you suffer from such intense shame that it's hard for you to comprehend on an emotional level that other people might not perceive things in the same way as you. I get it. I experience crippling shame at times. I am tempted to project and make assumption about what you might be talking about, but I'm going to resist and just go with what you have said in your post. Please don't take this as me assuming you have actually done something bad.

It's even more complicated when it's a therapist because you do have a point; therapists filter what they say. On the other hand, the one I see has told me I am wrong for some things I do. She doesn't disagree if I tell her I am difficult, have an anger problem, and am generally unlikeable.

I don't know what you're telling your therapist. However, there aren't many things that can be said that would nullify everything else about a person so that they just become horrible, if that makes sense. Nobody is just one thing. Even if what you are telling her is something horrible that you did, like being abusive, that doesn't take away from other things she might know about you that are positive.

For example, my dad was physically abusive when I was young. He was also a serial cheater. These days, I find his politics pretty abominable. Those are all negatives. However, he also has a bunch of positive traits. He has a great sense of humor. He has really been there for me the last few years. I totaled my car and he got me another. I got a ticket from that accident and he was willing to pay it if it wasn't dismissed. He came down just to help me with a few things. When I was hospitalized more than a decade ago, he admitted to the docs without me even saying anything that he had been physically abusive in the past. He gives really thoughtful gifts. He took me on a lovely trip to a place of my choosing a few years ago for my birthday. He isn't perfect by any means. He has done some bad things. But I would not call him a horrible person at all. Even if your therapist thinks the things you are telling her are things you did that are bad, that doesn't mean she thinks you are a horrible person. Nobody is just one thing and we have all done things we regret.

Thank you Susannah you post easy very helpful. Just want to say it is nothing I ever do harm others in any way.

My therapist always said I was much harder on myself about things than he or anyone else could ever possibly be.

A therapist will have judgments about clients; it would be inhuman not to. But what I found was that these therapists probably knew me better in many ways than anyone else in my life simply because I talked to them about things and in ways that I would never have done with anyone else; and yet, they continued to support me, listen to me, laugh with me, and yes, I think they liked me, despite all those flaws I know they could see because I had bared myself to them.

I came to realize that "judgment" is not necessarily a condemnation. Judgment is, more often, an observation about a person. I make judgments about my husband and children and students, etc., but what they really are is my observations with a bit of my personal interpretation mixed in. But you know, as much as I can sometimes see missteps, character issues, errors in thinking, etc. in them, it isn't about holding it against them. I certainly don't condemn them for what I observe; actually, I grow to understand them through my observations, and yes, even my judgments.

It would take a serious offense for a judgment of someone I know to rise to the level of condemnation. My guess is your therapist won't consider what you have to share as a serious offense.

Our personal shame is horrendously powerful, but when dealing with healthy relationships, we tend to be the ones shaming ourselves rather than others doing that to us. It is possible to get past that intense feeling of shame. Sharing with someone such as a therapist who continues to support and validate us despite how we feel about ourselves is the path beyond that shame. It takes time though. Be patient with yourself.