Love T but concerned about boundaries

susannahsays · 12-01-2019, 02:11 PM

I don't think breaking the ethics of the profession always harms the client, despite that being the message. However, the way you describe this relationship seems to be exactly the sort of thing that ends up being harmful to the client. He is your therapist yet it sounds like what you two are doing is not therapy. You should not being paying for friendship.

Salmon77 · 12-01-2019, 02:20 PM

I think you're right to be concerned. This sounds like classic grooming stuff. Love-bombing, you're so special, those silly ethics rules just don't even apply, blah blah blah. I think it's worth looking for a new T, or if you don't want to do that, maybe just consult with someone else about this. I know a few people on this forum have done that.

Omers · 12-01-2019, 06:04 PM

My T works in a lot of grey areas with me as far as standard ethics. One thing I read the other day for sorting out ethics was to ask your T how —— (self disclosure, telling you that you are his favorite....) benefits your therapy. If they can give a reasonable answer to that and they are not violating your boundaries I would be less worried.

BethRags · 12-01-2019, 09:22 PM

I'm open-minded when it comes to relationships, including therapeutic ones. I don't believe that there's "one way" to do a relationship. I'm not one to sound a battle cry of "Leave your therapist now!"

My one concern is that he told you you're his favorite patient. That crosses the line from healthy therapy into Uh, that is really weird.

My opinion is that you would do well to tell your therapist of your concerns (because clearly your gut is telling you to question).

~Christina · 12-01-2019, 09:47 PM

My T had very sturdy boundaries when we first met over 8 years ago, over time they have certainly softened.

Since your questioning his boundaries then it’s time to have a discussion with him, some of what he said to you is a bit of a red flag.

Counter transference is a real thing and I’d want to get everything out in the open.

Talks like this are very hard to have... but life is hard.

SalingerEsme · 12-02-2019, 08:19 AM

DR. Andrea Celenza writes useful, helpful books about theses complex issues : Robot Check

TeaVicar? · 12-02-2019, 09:49 AM

Sounds like grooming, which can happen over many years. There's no reason for him to tell you those things... why would he? What's the purpose? Please seek out some additional support and question his motives. Good luck xx

BudFox · 12-02-2019, 08:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by toomanycats

Therapy becomes dangerous when it becomes about the therapist's needs.

I think therapy in general is about the therapist's needs. And I think it's most dangerous when therapist need gratification is covert. That is, in a "normal" therapy relationship. What OP describes is overt, thus it's at least easier to recognize.

Going Ballistic · 12-02-2019, 11:50 PM

For the therapist to even state that he doesn't care if he loses his job is rather scary (for the lack of a better word).

sheltiemom2007 · 12-03-2019, 01:18 AM

I don't think there is anything strange about a therapist preferring one client over another. Some people are easier to work with or simply their personalities mesh. That's just human nature. We don't like all people equally. What's disturbing is that he told you this. This is a subject he should be working out in supervision...if he's getting supervision...and not with you.

12-01-2019, 02:11 PM	#11
susannahsays Magnate susannahsays has no updates. Member Since: Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 2,339 (SuperPoster!)	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries I don't think breaking the ethics of the profession always harms the client, despite that being the message. However, the way you describe this relationship seems to be exactly the sort of thing that ends up being harmful to the client. He is your therapist yet it sounds like what you two are doing is not therapy. You should not being paying for friendship. __________________ It's beginning to look a lot like f*** this.
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12-01-2019, 02:20 PM	#12
Salmon77 Poohbah Salmon77 has no updates. Member Since: Mar 2014 Location: PNW Posts: 1,041 71 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries I think you're right to be concerned. This sounds like classic grooming stuff. Love-bombing, you're so special, those silly ethics rules just don't even apply, blah blah blah. I think it's worth looking for a new T, or if you don't want to do that, maybe just consult with someone else about this. I know a few people on this forum have done that.
	Reply With Quote

12-01-2019, 06:04 PM	#13
Omers Magnate Omers has no updates. Member Since: Nov 2010 Location: Crimson cattery Posts: 2,710 2,852 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries My T works in a lot of grey areas with me as far as standard ethics. One thing I read the other day for sorting out ethics was to ask your T how —— (self disclosure, telling you that you are his favorite....) benefits your therapy. If they can give a reasonable answer to that and they are not violating your boundaries I would be less worried. __________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night
	Reply With Quote

12-01-2019, 09:22 PM	#14
BethRags Poohbah BethRags is learning to find beauty in leafless trees. Member Since: Jul 2019 Location: Downtown California Posts: 1,218 (SuperPoster!) 1,068 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries I'm open-minded when it comes to relationships, including therapeutic ones. I don't believe that there's "one way" to do a relationship. I'm not one to sound a battle cry of "Leave your therapist now!" My one concern is that he told you you're his favorite patient. That crosses the line from healthy therapy into *Uh, that is really weird*. My opinion is that you would do well to tell your therapist of your concerns (because clearly your gut is telling you to question). __________________ -Beth dx: bipolar 1 disorder; c-ptsd
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12-01-2019, 09:47 PM	#15
~Christina Legendary ~Christina has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2011 Location: Tennessee Posts: 17,593 (SuperPoster!) 5,290 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries My T had very sturdy boundaries when we first met over 8 years ago, over time they have certainly softened. Since your questioning his boundaries then it’s time to have a discussion with him, some of what he said to you is a bit of a red flag. Counter transference is a real thing and I’d want to get everything out in the open. Talks like this are very hard to have... but life is hard. __________________ ~Christina
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Love T but concerned about boundaries

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12-02-2019, 08:19 AM	#16
SalingerEsme Grand Poohbah SalingerEsme has no updates. Member Since: Jul 2017 Location: Neverland Posts: 1,723 4,364 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries DR. Andrea Celenza writes useful, helpful books about theses complex issues : Robot Check __________________ Living things don’t all require/ light in the same degree. Louise Gluck
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12-02-2019, 09:49 AM	#17
TeaVicar? Member TeaVicar? fuck the tea, hand me the gin. Member Since: Apr 2015 Location: in the parlour. Posts: 295 83 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries Sounds like grooming, which can happen over many years. There's no reason for him to tell you those things... why would he? What's the purpose? Please seek out some additional support and question his motives. Good luck xx __________________ "It is a joy to be hidden and a disaster not to be found." D.W. Winnicott
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12-02-2019, 11:50 PM	#19
Going Ballistic Member Going Ballistic has no updates. Member Since: May 2019 Location: Island Posts: 135	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries For the therapist to even state that he doesn't care if he loses his job is rather scary (for the lack of a better word).
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12-03-2019, 01:18 AM	#20
sheltiemom2007 Member sheltiemom2007 has no updates. Member Since: Jan 2019 Location: Pittsburgh Posts: 376 32 hugs given	Re: Love T but concerned about boundaries I don't think there is anything strange about a therapist preferring one client over another. Some people are easier to work with or simply their personalities mesh. That's just human nature. We don't like all people equally. What's disturbing is that he told you this. This is a subject he should be working out in supervision...if he's getting supervision...and not with you.
	Reply With Quote

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