Love T but concerned about boundaries

I completely agree. I think self-disclosure and expressing appreciation can be fine in moderate amounts, compliments as well. But by stating someone is a Ts favorite, he elevates himself and makes him especially important - you are HIS favorite, how outstanding. IMO, no professional who works with clients/teams should ever say things like this, let alone a T. I know full-well how challenging it can be at times to inhibit it from my own professional life (e.g. mentoring), but discrimination like this never leads to other benefits than ego-boost. I made that mistake a couple times and regretted each one, if for nothing else, because usually the "favorite" and special importance/liking did not last long.

In therapy, an ego-boost can be important for a client who has low self-esteem, for example, but there are many other, more effective ways to do this. For example, complimenting on someone's progress and achievements, like they are "special" because they have been able to overcome something especially difficult or made significant progress. Telling someone they are someone else's favorite in a professional context is mostly just an empty compliment that may feel good in the moment but has nothing to do with the purpose o the relationship. Just my view.

That was my point too although I didn't make it explicit. It's natural to have favourite people, It's part of being human. TELLING someone they are your favourite, as in this case or in a parent telling their child, is really out of order.

Actually, I think it is problematic for a therapist to think in terms of "favourites" and to create a hierarchy of clients in this way, even if they never share those thoughts with the client. It is immature and crude. My therapist has shared very raw and deep emotional responses to me and about working with me, but it has only ever been in reference to me and us - not a comparison to her other clients.

How could they (or anyone) choose what they think (or feel, I guess favorite is more a feeling) though?

I don't think a therapist necessarily does have a choice about how they feel. My point is that if they are approaching clients in terms of a hierarchy - if "favourites" are their point of reference - then they are emotionally and professionally immature. I think this crudeness would show in other areas of their practice and I think that is concerning.

First of all thank you everyone for your input so far.

The thing has happened. He has expressed desire for friendship. I can't believe it. This is the thing every attachment challenged client fantasizes about.


I feel overjoyed about his true feelings for me. To finally have them out . They match how I feel about him, and I had intended to say it at some point but he did first and it is nice have the pressure off. I want to be very clear this is not sexual at all. He also said that we would have to wait the required amount of time after treatment before pursuing it. He put the ball in my court about how to proceed.


But of course, "intellectually", or whatever, I recognize that this might present a problem for my treatment. I know this is technically unethical. I know that this a thing that people would say to run for the hills over.

I am probably drunk on this extraordinary feeling of validation to think clearly about this...

Is it ever ok?

Yes, it can be OK. It is more common for it not to turn out OK, but it is technically possible. I have a 20+year friendship/mentor relationship with a former T that is very healthy. I have also been on the other side where this happened and turned out badly. To be totally honest though if I were told up front that I had to suffer through the bad one to have the good one or I had to give them both up... I would give them both up.
I love my current T and I know he loves me. It would be SO awesome to be friends after therapy. We even have some overlap in our social/hobbies circles. If he told me at our appointment yesterday that he wanted to be friends after we had done our work I would be totally crushed. I would be looking to start with a new T immediately. Now, if we do the work I need to do and in our final session for termination he offered... heck yeh, I am IN!

I have no way of telling if it is or if it will be ok in your case, but I am talking as someone who continued the relationship with a T after the treatment. And it has been totally ok in my case. I am talking about friendship here.

What has been different from what you say is that during the treatment everything was about me and my treatment. I would not have been comfortable paying for treatment if the provider told himself it was not ethical. Also my therapy lasted the time it was supposed to, and when I was ready to terminate I knew I would be ok either way. I don't feel my treatment was ever compromised when I was a client. If I felt it was, I don't think things would be the way they are now.

So what concers me is that you are still a paying client and your provider has told you all that during your treatment and suggested he is not able to carry on being your T in ethical way. I think you need to consider very seriously if the professional relationship can carry on.

And it definitely is not a common practise to befriend a T even after the treatment, but I wanted to share my experience that it doesn't automathically mean a disaster either.

What is the “required amount of time for a friendship?” I’ve only ever heard of the required amount of time for a romantic relationship - 2 years under APA standards. Other regulatory bodies have lesser standards and some do not have specific time standards for this.

So, is he looking for you to terminate therapy so that you can be friends? You say the ball is in your court on how to proceed - does that include termination as an option?

I’m also wary about the idea of it “not being sexual at all” - maybe, maybe not. “Friendship” would be a good way to ease into that. Are one of both of you partnered, or are you single?

I do not know the exact legal requirements. That is just what he said.

He isn't asking me to do anything specific. He just wanted to be truthful about his feelings.

He said that for a while he has been grappling with his desire for a more personal relationship and his sense of duty to me as my therapist and wants to make sure I am getting the care I need. He said that he feels I am getting good care and as long as I feel I am he is happy to continue with me.


But if it isn't working for me then feel free to terminate, and he has offered to refer me if I wish.


And of course in the case of termination, be it sooner or later, he said he sees the potential for a friendship in due time.

We are indeed both partnered. Happily. In fact my husband is really the only good relationship that I have. Besides him I am practically alone in the world. Terribly isolated socially because of.... sigh... issues, lots of them (trauma, developmental issues due to neglect, intellectual oddities) too much to get into here really.


I guess I will also add that I am not really attractive. I would be astounded if he saw me as interesting in that way. In fact I would be totally perplexed. Especially since his wife is gorgeous.

I am also sex averse. Even my husband get very little of that from me, but there are reasons why it is ok. Complicated! So, yeah, that whole dynamic would be just so unlikely I couldn't imagine it ever happening.

It doesn't sound good at all. He is meeting his needs through you. For those who are trauma survivors, these behaviors often lead to retraumatization. I think this should be reported to his board, if that is something you wish to do.

At the least, this acting out his neediness is creepy.

From someone who has been there, done that, and thought it was ok while I was in it...it is very dangerous. Your therapist knows the implications his boundary violations are to both you and him. Yet he doesn't care. Something is very wrong with his thinking. And that will eventually harm the hell out of you. If he truly cared about you and your well-being, he would end therapy with you and then become friends with you in the "real world.". While that is not the most ethical solution, it is a far better situation than the one you are in now.

It looks like that is what is going to happen. He wants to be friends. We are going to wrap up the work we are in the middle of (will probably take at least a couple of months) but then he will refer me and we will wait the required time before pursuing a friendship.

Yes, he has broken some rules. But he truly does care. Sometimes people just click, even if they meet in a clinical setting surrounded by boundaries.


I do hear so many horror stories that I was nervous about this, but I am feeling better about it all the time, especially now that he has just come out and said how he feels. It means so much to me that he truly cares, especially after seeing the worst of me, I am still a valuable person to him, and not because it is his job to give me unconditional positive regard.