Filing a Complaint Against a Former T...(Possibly an Ongoing Thread)

I really just need a place to...I don't know...process.

If you're not familiar with me and my history with my ex-therapist, S, you can find a lot of it here:
https://psychcentralforums.com/psych...y-abusive.html

The Tl;Dr version is that I worked with a therapist for 3 years. We had really zero boundaries, acted more as friends (or maybe something slightly more), but I was, of course, paying him...and he was my therapist. We did everything from use my sessions to go out to eat together to him allowing me to swing by for hugs when he'd get off work (or he'd sometimes swing by my house for them)...and I loved him. Like, really loved him, though I denied it to myself all the time, because I never felt worthy of him. We texted non-stop, and many of our later sessions involved us just sitting on the floor together with his arm or arms around me for long periods of time because it was the most comforting thing in the world to me.

And then he moved away.

we continued to be "friends" with a VERY tumultuous relationship until I broke off contact finally a year ago.

I discovered a week or so ago that another client's ex-husband had filed a complaint against my ex-therapist for doing basically exactly this with his now-ex wife (except not quite to this extent/for this long). The complaint was found to be founded, and my ex-T's license is on probation....and I am now considering (ok, let's just say it - I'm going to do it...) filing a complaint against him myself.

I need somewhere to process this process. I'm in therapy myself, but I need somewhere I can write late at night, because I'm really struggling right now. I've been able to locate old archive files on my Mac of some of his and my text messages ...not all... but some... and I am currently going through the process of converting these files to PDF to include in my complaint. I both wish I still had the 2 years worth that I DON'T have, but am also grateful I've found what I do... but also... reading through these conversations is a huuuuge mind-*****. Not to mention the thousands of emails.

It's all a huge mind-*****, and I find myself consumed by this guy yet again, only in a different way now I guess... but it's very confusing.

I blame myself for so many things.
I am ashamed of so many things.
It HURTS reading these again, remembering back when he was my WORLD and I loved him so much...and thinking of hurting him like this.
And yet, I do not want anyone else to experience what I have experienced...and yet already someone else has. ALREADY he did it again, and filing a complaint is the one thing I can do to try to stop it happening yet again someday.

And I'm certain it would/will.

I'm sick to my stomach.
This is going to be such a long process, and I have to be willing to be embarrassed myself in order to see it through.
But I think I'm at that point. I think I can say I am willing to be embarrassed to see this through.
I have to be willing to accept that he will hate me.
I have to try to believe that it isn't my fault. Or at least pretend to believe it. I am not there yet.

I've never fought back.
Not when assaulted at 18, not when r-ed in my 20s, I've never fought back in any official way. This is a chance that I have now to fight back.

It is literally breaking me in two...but I don't think I will EVER be able to move forward/move on if I don't do this.

I'm not sure what to say, but I support your decision to report that guy. He sounds predatory.

I hadn't seen you around here lately - when I saw your name pop up on another post, I wondered if your old therapist was still interfering in your life. I'm sorry to hear there's still so much pain due to him, but I'm glad you aren't in contact anymore.

Yeah, the fact that this whole thing makes him consume my thoughts again really sucks...both for me AND for my husband...it's making me feel a tremendous amount of guilt.

I'm not sure what to label him.

Narcissistic comes to mind.

But then, reading through this stuff...remembering..it's so hard for me to comprehend this relationship. How he can both be "bad" and "the guy who showed up at the vet's office to hug me and offer support before I had to put my cat down."

I know...nobody is all good or all bad, and perhaps it is OK to both love him and consider him dangerous.

I have no idea if he's a bad person period, but what he did in your therapy was very bad and extremely harmful to you. And I don't think he did anything - like go to the vet's - for you, I think he did it for himself because having your love and gratitude made him feel good.

Let me caution you ,get as much evidence of what went on before filling a formal complaint ,I offer up a very brief current example .

I have a current doctor who is clearly abusing and neglecting me ,beyonď that comes pressuring me to have a surgical procedure that :

Is very expensive ,2 is guaranteed to fail and 3 result in my death ,but she still gets paid , and the reason I know it would be fatal ,she talked me through the way the procedure would go , she has been my doctor for 12 years and it says in big letters this drug she wants to use is a fatal allergy ,no other doctor has ever proposed going anywhere within a thousand feet of that drug .

So I finnaly reach my braking point with her and report her up the hospital administrative chain ,I get crickets .

I go to state medical board with not just medical records but a recording of this conversation ,and there response " you might be an ex patient with an axe to grind , you need more evidence of wrongdoing ,stop trying to destroy a doctors reputation", so I say am not an ex patient I am current patient ,and she has stopped all treatment and limited my options to something that will kill me .

The cookie on the sundae , the chronic medical conditions she has decided to stop treating ,saying "oh you'll be fine" have twice already esclated to life threatening in patient hospitalizations for 12 weeks where other doctors have complained about her conduct .

If she doesn't want to treat me she is supposed to ensure I have proper care established by her recovering me to someone and them accepting my care ,but yet somehow we all must be wrong because the state medical board thinks we are over reacting ,and the evidence of her neglect and abuse including the recording of her in her own words is insufficient as are the records and complaints from other doctors .

I am not going to drop the issue ,and I have already found 8 similar allegations in the last two years ,that are being buried .

So the more you get the better and if you get stonewalled don't go away ,that's what they want .

@Misterpain I think reporting a medical doctor is a bit different - definitely reported to a different type of board, for sure. Also, I've got the advantage of someone having gone before me and reported this therapist for the same thing, and it was proven founded. That's not as common as malpractice complaints in the medical field, I don't think. In any case, I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. That's quite scary.

I have...a lot of evidence. Thousands of texts, thousands of emails, some selfies he sent me and such.

You're probably right. But, I wanted it so badly, it's hard to see it clearly.

Going through all of these texts tonight has plunged me into the past. I feel so heavy. Watching my own heart shatter in front of me on the screen.

I think you're very courageous. I'm sorry that it's so hard.

aww, it is nice to see you posting again TMC, though I am sorry you are feeling so badly around this. I will always be here to listen.

Hugs, TMC. I imagine it's also painful to learn that S did those sorts of things with someone else rather than just with you. I agree with others that you're very brave to be doing this. I also understand why you feel you must do it, both for yourself and to protect others. It sounds like you have quite a lot of evidence, and that combined with the other former client and his being on probation should help your case. Wishing you the best with all of this...

I think you are doing the right thing for you. Making my complaint, even though it was dismissed, helped me deal with Smaug fallout. I hope it’s helpful to know he pulled the stuff with others—I would find it comforting myself.

Is he practicing in his new location and still licensed where you saw him? Are you filing the complaint where you live and saw him or the other place? Not all state licensing boards have reciprocity...so you might want to send it both places.

Your relationship sounds like what I went through 30 years ago. I was adopted into my therapist's family. This included holidays, vacations, sunday dinners, events with her extended family. She told me she loved me and that she was my mom. I loved her back and believed she could be my mom. When I became so ill she couldn't manage me, she dumped me. I spent a year in a psych hospital. I was so utterly destroyed. I've recovered a lot in 30 years. Especially because I have the world's most patient and consistant psychiatrist. Oh, he's a great Dr. too.

Even 30 years later, the ghost of that relationship haunts me. I never sued. I never will. But I do write about it so others know this can happen.

I'm with you. Even if I'm not strong enough to be like you. Keep posting.

Just wanted to say that I am proud of you! It will be difficult and hurtful for sure, but ultimately I think it will do you good to do it.

I'm deeply sorry to hear this ,even 30 years later the feeling of violation and betrayal must be intense and disturbing .

I come from the other end of the spectrum ,I was legitimately adopted by my mom ,she was a psychologist at the "disposal" orphanage assigned to do shrinky things evaluate me and be done , i didnt let that happen ,i made her get to know me ,and consequetly she loved me and gave me a forever home .

You can read more that I have said about it around here somewhere ,when she died ,it was huge shall we say event , I was more bonded than any ten biological families ,there where a couple of notable experiences including when I got this disease ,and was put on ice on a mental health unit till I could accept and adjust to it ,i felt one of the staff crossed a line and disrespected her and said some pretty awfull stuff to be passed on to that staff member ,well it was reported to psychiatrist as a threat also ,fortunately he understood what and why I said it and didn't 302 me .

I guess I am saying I can turn the feelings I have for her and flip them around and understand easily the hurt you experienced to put it mildly .
It took me 8 years of grief therapy, to do what she wanted for me which was live a happy life after she was gone , there is more to her death that I found out later , that she chose to stop cancer treatment and die ,she felt incredibly honored and new how much I truly loved her when she had her double mastectomy ,and that was a huge source of pride to her ,until I got my diagnosis ,she then said I need to hurry up and die mysteriously or he's not going to have a moment's peace if he lives at all (I have a very rare and fatal disease ,there is no treatment ) so it took me 8 years and despite death trying to sneak up on more than once ,I am at an unbelievable 12 years post her loss , I am the guy who doesn't shut up ,unless he cries ,so I am out ,but thinking off you ,keep the faith my friend time is the ultimate equalizer of many thinks ,I am hopefull 30 years has allowed some space and healing for you.

Your courage inspirational, though costly to your energy and morale. Safe-guarding others is really heroic.

Thank you, @here today <3

@velcro003 Thank you as well - I've always lurked these boards even when not posting...I honestly hadn't even realized it'd been that long since I was super active, heh.

@LonesomeTonight learning that he did this to someone else (or something similar) has brought about a myriad of feelings: guilt for not reporting him and stopping him from hurting someone else, jealousy that I was replaced, shame for ever believing I might actually have been truly special to him, tons of loss for the little bit of belief I still had that maybe it had just been one of those things where two people meet at the wrong time in the wrong place and he did genuinely love me or whatever, fear.... so many feelings. It's really only helpful to me to know that my complaint won't be the first and, therefore, is probably more likely to be believed - it is helpful to not have to "go first."

@atisketatasket Thank you for sharing your experience with filing a complaint; it's helpful to know it brought you some sense of closure/that you don't regret it. I do fear going through all of this and winding up regretting it...or remaining still unresolved really. But I guess that's what being in therapy throughout the process will be for. His license here in Virginia has expired; his only active license is in Arizona, and that is where he is practicing. I will file in Arizona; I don't know if I will file in Virginia as well - not sure if I "can" since his is expired here. It would really suck if Arizona said "you only saw him as a therapist in VA; he was a friend when he moved to AZ" and tossed my stuff out...because, by the time he moved to AZ, we'd already terminated...but our "friendship" certainly continued while he was in AZ...so I am not sure how that will all work. There's nothing in the Arizona statutes that states that the offense must take place in Arizona, so... I guess we will see. If it IS thrown out for that reason, at least I will have made the AZ board aware that this is a pattern for him, which will be enough. That is all I am really wanting.

@sheltiemom2007 I'm so sorry for all you went through; it hurts my heart to know (and to understand why, because I am sure it will be true for me too) that 30 years later, the ghost is still there. I'm so sorry.

@elisewin thank you. I hope it helps. I hope it brings me closure. Or something.

Thanks @SalingerEsme - I don't consider it heroic or anything... just "the right thing to do."

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Once the board disciplines him Arizona, notify his board Virginia. Email the link of his Arizona discipline to them. Or phone the board in Virginia if you need to. It wasn’t difficult.

That’s what I did. Both states revoked his license. I also contacted Medicare and Medi-Cal and they revoked his ability to file through their insurances, as well.

I hope you get the outcome you desire. It might be a hard process, but I think it's worth it.

When I filed my complaint, I asked the board to force ex-T to take classes on BPD. I didn't think her license should be revoked. I know I could have taken her to court, bit I don't want her money. I just wanted validation that she harmed me, but the board didn't see it that way. They determined she was ethical.

I too struggle with her "ghost" after almost 5 years. I try to not let her come into my therapy with L. L knows her name, but we don't use her name when she comes up. She's just ex-T. It helps because it's one way to not acknowledge her, keep her at bay.

@ScarletPimpernel yeah, I am also not going after money or anything like that. I'm not going to say it didn't cross my mind when I calculated that I paid him over $30,000 for this, but I have no desire to have my character dragged through the mud or to spend money on such proceedings. I don't want my money back; I just don't want it to happen to anyone else at this point. I'm sorry the board determined she was ethical, but I am glad to hear you say you still think it's worth it to pursue such complaints.

I've heard back from 2 of the Ts I saw directly after/during ex-T leaving/the transition or whatever, and both are very supportive of me doing this & well on board for supporting the claim themselves. So, I do not stand here alone, and that is helpful.