I now give up

So I´ve tried for very long to get access to psychotherapy but I now give up. I tried a couple of therapists at a unit for therapy but felt they both were cold and dismissive, they were both kind of old school psychodynamic therapists.


As I said "no" to those two therapists I won´t get any more chances. The therapy unit is the only one available and there´s nowhere else to turn for longer therapies. (I live in Sweden and we have a different health care system than for example the US and Britain.)


I met with my psychiatrist who just brushed me off and told me she thinks I should have continued with one of those therapists I didn´t like anyway. She couldn´t do anything to find another therapist (we don´t have a referall system).

I´ve spent so much time and effort to get the care I need and now I reached the end. I´m not sure I´ll be able to keep my welfare and perhaps I´ll then lose my apartment as I can´t get sick leave without attending some kind of treatment.

I had high hopes for therapy, now it´s all down the drain and so am I.

I know how you feel when it comes to finding a therapist. I have had the same problem. It’s very hard to connect with people sometimes and therapists are people. Our personalities may or may not mesh well. I’m not sure what else to tell you except would you be up to taking a risk? Go back to those other therapists and just lay it all out with them like you did with us here? What have you got to lose? Maybe they need to hear how cold and unhelpful they are coming across? I’m not sure if that’s a feasible option for you. I wish you all the best. Keep us posted how it goes. I’m here to listen and help if I can.

Thanks. I can´t go back to them as they cancelled me as a patient. They sent me back to my former unit where they don´t offer any psychotherapy at all.I did talk to both of those two therapists and tried to get them to understand what I need but that didn´t work.

They made me end therapy as I never felt there would be any cooperation or adaption from them.


Now, I´m just all alone.

I am so sorry. Being in the US I don’t know what you are going through as we can keep trying. I do know the frustration of trying to make therapy work with the wrong therapist and how harmful that can be. I hope you are at least able to find a way to continue to receive the other supports that you are needing.

That sucks, I'm sorry. I also know the frustration of trying to make therapy work when the therapist is wrong and dismissive and how harmful that is.

I had high hopes for therapy for many years, tried many different therapists, paid out of pocket the last time -- still didn't work.

It just doesn't for some folks -- they don't have what we need. I try to explain -- they don't understand, or don't offer it, or the kind of help I felt I needed doesn't exist and there is no one to try to do something new.

Those are the facts as I have come to understand them, after more than 55 years in therapy, on and off.

So -- what do I do then? I keep on existing, until I don't anymore, at some point. Maybe some purpose will appear or become evident, I don't know. I've certainly tried different goals, and trying different work situations -- and those didn't work out either.

The last therapist, about 10 years ago, did diagnose me with a personality disorder, PDNOS (Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) and I do think having something like that does help explain why I had a lot of difficulties in life and a lot of things I thought SHOULD work out, didn't. But that doesn't help much, either, because there isn't any reliably effective therapy for personality disorders. There just isn't. And the profession doesn't talk about that part. And so -- I am just stuck, like someone with an untreatable disease. But a disease which also apparently makes me difficult for other people to get along with, just as I find them difficult to get along with, too, sometimes.

Don't know if it helps much to hear about my long, ultimately disappointing experience, too. I think somehow we may have to find a way to help ourselves, and/or help each other, but I don't know what that way is.

I am in the US we have the worst most expensive healthcare of any first world nation ,we also have a huge shortage in the helping proffesions ,most acute and urgent is mental health.

You may feel over the barrel,like the system has beat you, but please don't stop trying,you deserve so much more. Give yourself the best because no one else will.

I know some people like video /Skype Therapist... I don’t know if insurance pays.. but I know a few people have tried it and is helping them.

I was going to suggest this too. A lot of therapists work online nowadays and you could even see somebody not from your country, provided you can pay for it though.

I lived in a developing country for three years. Hospital beds were shared 2 people to a bed. No sheets, pillows or mattresses were use. IV bottles and needles were used over and over again on different patients with no sterilization. There are no doctors except in the large capital city and province cities. The only Dr.s up country are missionaries. If you need heart surgery and you don't live in a city, you will die. There are NO PSYCHIATRISTS and therapists are very few, cash only, and in cities. The mentally ill are hidden away by families and badly mistreated. I mean food, water, access to bathroom facilities is often withheld. There is no mental health hospital to be treated at.

I could go on. The US IS NOT "the worst country in the world for health care". The system needs tweaking but if you need heart surgery you'll have the best surgeons. If you need a therapist there are thousands to pick from. If you need a drug, it's available and if you can't afford it pharmaceutical companies have patient assistant programs. If you need a psychiatrist, thank your lucky stars you still get to pick. Most countries either have few to none or they are rationed. You have so much more control over your healthcare than any country on earth. No one is going to pull care from you in the US because you are too sick and too expensive. The UK won't treat you and the Netherlands just kills you.

Are there areas for improvement, of course. There needs to be affordable insurance for people who don't get it from their employer, can't afford a private plan, or don't qualify for medicare or Medicaid. That's estimated at 20 million people in a country of 320 million. People around the world COME HERE for their care. Why do you suppose that is? Because US medicine performs miracles everyday. That doesn't happen in countries where care is rationed...and most western countries ration. That's why the world comes here.

I am a survivor of breast cancer as well as someone with a very complicated mental illness. I'd be left for dead in most countries. I am profoundly grateful I was born in the US and not the Netherlands.

Sarah is it possible for you to find ank keep a job of any kind, part time even? That would give you much more options and independency. I'm sorry if it is impossible because of something you have not mentioned.

There is a vast difference (worlds apart) between my comment which is unfortunately true and what you thought I said which yes would be wrong !

And I don't relish the fact in my comment ,I am born and raised American, and we could really use a ton of improvement in many areas healthcare is but one ,you dont have to look far in the US to find entire communities with a standard of living below that of a third world country , food deserts ,need to travel 150 miles or more out of state to find a doctor or a hospital that hasn't closed due to lack of funding .

In a country with some of the wealthiest communities and people on earth we also have record levels of homeless,uninsured, hungry children and adults who not only can't afford care , they cant get close to it ,if your family can't pay for the doctor ,you can't pay for the hospital and soon both close and move, there are counties in the US( multiple states) that had more hospital closings last year than hospitals opened nationwide . Take a look at the recent closing of Hanneman hospital in Philaldelphia ,its not just been devastating to the community ,its rippling across the country as its created more doctors looking to finish training than there are training spots ( you are 1 year from graduating training as MD and someone pulls the rug out ,and yòu wont be graduating period !)

We have tremendous capacity for growth ,but lack compassion to unleash that capacity.

But whether it's the US or Sweden or a developing country, there are health conditions that nobody knows how to help with, even with the best of what human beings now know.

I agree with you sheltiemom. Our system does need improvement but we do have access to great health care. There are resources out there people don’t even know about. My city offers a lot of resources and programs for people in need.

I'll give you an example of great care ,I have travelled 16 days for more than a decade to the nearest doctor to treat me .every few years one of my doctors upend the apple cart and goes rogue .

Well this time it's my palliative care doctor

She admits I have done nothing wrong ,that I have been nothing but honest and candid , that I have never failed a planned our unplanned drug or alcohol test ,being the untrusting guy and not knowing anyone in the court house ,has always returned meds that I shouldn't have ( her medication service pharmacy has shipped me thousands of doses of opiates with no record of doing it ) and has now stopped all care ,including chronic routine manageable thinks that have then become acute medical emergencies requiring 2 seperate weeks in the hospital , i have one of the rarest diseases in the world , the only thing that can be done is control the intense pain till I die ,and suddenly I am not entitled ,my quality of life has gone from acceptable to less than zero , and nobody with any power or ability to supervise this doctor cares.

As a former Emergency services guy who lost his wife to drug addiction ,I have studied this issue long before I had a personal issue in this race ,so I am more than acutely aware of what we can and can't do in medicine ,and my statement on it lacking the compassion to accomplish is dead on correct .

Can you afford betterhelp or Talkspace?

I'm sorry you haven't been able to find a therapist that you feel you can work with. You sound like you're feeling very hopeless. But are there things other than therapy you could try? Maybe groups would be helpful? Or some kind of art or craft practice that would allow you to express yourself? Even just starting some regular exercise type activity can help improve mood overall. It helps me a lot, anyway. Just something to think about--if therapy doesn't work for you, maybe something else would help.

Sarah it seems like you have had a lot of issues with therapists. Maybe they arent for you?

I agree with sarahsweets - it could even be a positive turning point for you, no longer chasing something that obviously did not work well for you. There are a million other things one can explore to improve mental health and well-being... there have been threads about some here on PC, with posts usually by people who did not find therapy super helpful.

Could you maybe talk with the psychiatrist about what's available in your location for free? E.g. peer support groups and other self-care activities? Unfortunately not too many of us are from Sweden here I believe, so hard to suggest anything feasible, especially given some of the things you say about how different things are there. I do believe though that there must me meetup groups and other kinds of peer support though, especially if you live in/near a city. The upside of those could also be that they usually do not involve the rigid structure/boundaries therapy has.

Maybe all the time and effort you put into trying to find and get the care you need isn't totally wasted, even if therapy isn't the answer for you. For instance, what is it that you think you need? Can you break it down in terms of what you need, not necessarily how you can get it? As I understand it, you told the therapists what you believed you needed and they were non responsive. At least you have analyzed things for yourself, that seems like a step forward, of sorts. Maybe there's another way, as others have suggested.

Also, what were your high hopes for therapy about? What were you hoping for, in terms of how you and your life could improve? Perhaps, even though it's not clear right now how that might be, there is another way to get those things.

Yes, your hopes about therapy have been dashed, but that doesn't mean that your hopes for yourself need to be totally dashed, too.

As for treatment -- are you still seeing the psychiatric nurse? Have they given you any diagnoses? What do they say are the available options for treatment for those diagnoses? Are they willing to consider anything non-standard?

If the situation now is that you may lose your benefits and your apartment -- my guess is, unfortunately, that you may need to advocate on your own behalf somehow, and even then there is no guarantee that you will be successful. But what more do you have to lose by trying? Psychodynamic therapy wasn't suitable -- what do you think will/may be?