The universe has given up on me

I dont know if anyone remembers me on here but things have been pretty decently ****** for me lately when its come to health care.

Ive recently moved 3 hours away from where I was, so I couldnt continue with my outpatient providers that I DID have. So Ive had to find new ones.

And thats where the problem has been.

I have schizoaffective disorder and I dont really feel like there are many options out there for me. Its like, most every therapist seems scared to treat this condition and when I call to look for a therapist- the office will straight up tell me that yeah, no one here will see you.

Which is frustrating and explains some of my issue.

The other part of my issue is that the few who do take schizoaffective people kinda... well. Of the ones who will even see me, they dont tend to really have much experience. And I think thats where the major issue is right now. Well one of.

So Ive been seeing this new therapist and its honestly been frustrating. I went to the office and made an appointment with her and then I tried to see a medical provider there. They put me with a PA and when I saw her she spent literally 10 minutes with me on an initial evaluation, asked me which meds “Id like to take” and then that was it. Hardly asked any other questions. I think she asked “how was I doing” and that was it. Maybe I was meant to like, explain my entire life story there but I didnt know what to say. Oh. She also asked me what my goals were and I basically said to like- maintain treatment. To stay stable. I dont think she asked anything else and she didnt seem to understand why I couldnt be specific on my goals. Maybe its me thats horrible, but IDK. The entire appointment was just weird. She basically told me that since I had no goals wed not change anything. And shed see me back in 2 weeks and to think about goals until then. Which. Again. I know Im not going to be cured. I have a long standing chronic condition. My goal is to maintain my health. And since I have an issue sometimes staying on my meds- its also to have someone I can call or talk to or whatever if I have med questions. I told her that and she didnt seem satisfied and then the appointment was over. After 10 minutes. Nothing else.

I left and then when I tried to make that 2 week follow up I was told that yeah, shes not available for another 2 to 2 and a half months. Well GREAT. Since I mean, god forbid theres an emergency or something... So I made an appointment with someone else at the office. Another PA. In the meantime.

I saw him. He actually spent time with me, which was nice. I mean. Not forever. But I didnt feel like I was being rushed in and out. But he... he basically just started switching up EVERYTHING. He wanted me off all the meds I was currently on in like- 2 weeks. To taper. And then he wanted me on medication that made absolutely no sense for my condition. But I mean, he was the professional so whatever.

So in the meantime Im seeing this therapist and shes meh. My last therapist was really good so maybe I was being unfair. But she seemed to have very little idea of my condition and had very little insight to offer me it seemed. I never felt like I was getting anywhere with her because she always seemed out of her depth, like she was struggling to keep up. Like. She doesnt seem to get psychosis at all. She just, she never seemed helpful to me really.

And yeah. So anyways. The PA stops all my medication, and Im feeling like garbage. Like. Shaking. On the edge of panic. My head swimming. Just awful. So I go to her and shes all like- ok. Just stay on the dose you are currently on and well watch it. Dont worry. Well make sure you are ok. And then, like 5 minutes before the end of my appointment shes like, but oh yeah by the way Im booked for the next month.

So Im like. What the heck. Im doing horribly, because YOU guys took me off my medication and now- now Im screwed for another month? Im on my own? Ill just get to keep shaking and be in a panic and maybe even start falling back into psychosis because of it? And I have to handle this all by myself for an entire MONTH?!?

I left and I was like. I want to see a PSYCHIATRIST. I want someone who knkws what they are doing. And so I switched med providers again to their psychiatrist finally. Thankfully. If it wasnt for that I would have left and not gone back.

Anyways. I just saw the therapist again and I see the psychiatrist in a week. Idk. Im just so frustrated. Its like, I try so hard to live a decent life. To function well. And I just need a little help. But Im all alone. I have almost no support. And when I do try to seek out support, its been BAD. Its like. Its near the point where it was more stressful than helpful. Honestly, it was probably past that point.

And so yeah. Theres my rant. Blah

Many therapists are ill-equipped to handle psychotic illnesses. It is far better they are upfront about that than you find out the hard way. On the other hand there are those scary therapists who think they know more about psychosis than seasoned psychiatrists. They can get you killed. My best advice. When you see your psychiatrist ask for a referral. He's already working with therapists. Psychiatrists refer all the time. He'll send you to someone who is comfortable with psychosis but understands your psychiatrist is in charge of treating you. Also, if he's referring you it's a good chance they work together with patients. You'll get better care. I firmly believe when psychiatrists and therapists talk regularly the quality of care goes up.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please hang in there and don't give up hope. Please keep trying until you find someone who understands you and listens to you and gives you the treatment you deserve. Lots of HUGS Kit