Weird email exchange with T -- could use some help

I don't know what to think anymore. Do any of you have any thoughts? (Please?)

Background is that I made a plan to use my week of vacation (which starts tomorrow) to go visit my parents across the country and my T thought that was a terrible idea because the last few times I've visited my parents things have gone poorly. His replies are in italics.

12/5 8pm
Dear [T],

I’m so tired. I just want to go to the hospital. I thought about calling you but I suspect you’d tell me to quit wallowing and get out of the house and I don’t think you understand how much energy it takes and how little energy I have.

Sometimes it feels like you don’t think I’m trying hard enough. But [T], I am trying so damn hard. A person can get worn down. I just want to give up.

[c]

12/5 8:30pm
[c], when are you planning to leave to go to [where my parents live]? I am not sure If you have thought about the fact that, if you were to go inpatient, you would not have to go on the trip. I think we need to really start considering the idea that your sudden difficulties could possibly be related to feelings about this trip.

12/5 8:50pm
Especially given what we were starting to talk about regarding your dad. Given the intensity of your reaction to that topic, how recently this was coming up, and the fact that you are planning to stay with them, how could this trip NOT be generating some feelings in you, however dissociated they might be?

12/6 4:45am
I’m supposed to leave tomorrow.

I’m not quite stupid enough to disagree with what you’re saying. But if I change my plans now, my parents will be so disappointed. And angry. I don’t want to have to deal with all of their feelings.

12/6 6:30am
I feel like you might be in a position where you have to choose between “dealing with their feelings” and crumbling beneath YOUR feelings and horrible urges. Perhaps I am being overly simplistic, but I feel like you have three potential options here:

1. Canceling the trip altogether
2. Staying somewhere other than your parents’ house, such as with a friend or AIR BNB
3. Staying with your parents

Given your experiences this week, number three just seems very, very unwise—there is no way that I can justify it. If you decide you would like to proceed with option one or two and you want to think through how to do it, Let me know and I could try to schedule a brief phone conversation today to chat about it.

Best,

[T]

Is he cognitively impaired in some way? So option 3 would be catastrophic (according to him and maybe it would be, I don't know) but he is only offering phone support if you choose one of the manageable options (as he sees it). Does he understand how therapy works?

Some of his reply reminds me of my therapist and her absolutes and bossiness about what is right for me. However, even she is not stupid enough to only offer support if I choose correctly. There have been times when I have relished her attempts to control and influence me because I have misunderstood it as her care and depth of involvement with me. Of course, the reality is that those behaviours are hers are therapeutic errors and say much more about her process than her feelings about me.

If you go to your parents, I hope you can keep safe because parental space can be a very unsafe place. Remember an escape route and a time bound experience.

I think you therapist is rather spot on. You are going to have to deal with your parents whether you go (directly) or not (indirectly). It comes down to self care. Why not consider taking care of your needs first? I think the idea of doing something independently and of your free choice is a great one. You are an adult. Your parents will adjust to you, as an adult, making your own plans. It happens to all parents at some point.

Thanks for naming this--I think this was the thing that felt so weird to me but I couldn't figure out what it was.

Ugh. Why is he like this??

Thanks for this perspective.

The last time I went home to visit I stayed with friends and it was great. But this time I just... I dunno my mom was on the phone asking me where I was going to stay and it's Christmas time and I just caved. And last time they were so hurt that I stayed somewhere else. I'm their only child and their lives are so empty and I just feel so so guilty all the time.

I don’t think that’s what he meant. Options 1 or 2 are changes to your current plan so he is saying if you need to talk through how to manage that change of plans specifically give him a call.

BS. They are adults. They’ll be fine. You aren’t responsible for their feelings. If their lives are empty they are responsible for that. (Spoken as the parent of adult children.)

Chihiro—I would put you first then worry about your parents and your therapist. I actually don’t see why the exchange is weird (unexpected given how I feel about your therapist). He seems to be acting with your interests at heart. Maybe he’s wrong, maybe he’s right, but the real question is: is it a good thing for you to go? Never mind questions like how they’ll feel.

He is overstepping in a significant way by being so directive. It is hard to concentrate on what is good for you when someone as influential as your therapist is muddying the waters with their judgements.

What your T said makes a lot of sense. Option 3 might not only set you back but have drastic consequences on your mental and/or physical health.

Your T is being involved in your care and flagging his concern. Plus, he is willing to offer additional support (phone conversation).

Sometimes we do have to disappoint other people if it means we keep ourselves safe. One has, primarily, a duty of care towards oneself. So, yes, I agree with him. Keep yourself safe first and foremost.

Coming from an only child whose parents cause them to become sui within minutes I actually appreciate what your therapist said. You didn't Define what's some of the references in the emails were regarding previous conversations but I can only assume it was regarding your parents causing you mental anguish. I too suffer from the decision making of either dealing with my pain or dealing with the Fallout I've not visiting my parents. I know it is hard to deal with their feelings rather than putting yourself first. I believe your therapist was trying to support you and give you other options letting you know that it's okay and maybe in your best interest not to visit and or stay with your parents. Ultimately the decision is yours and you will have to deal with the consequences either way. It sounds like you're definitely going and probably definitely staying with your parents I wish you the best with that decision. I don't think your therapist mint anything bad by what they said I actually think they provided good options even if those options are not what you wanted to hear at this point.

I think you also have to look at the full context of what you're sending your therapist. You started with an email telling them that you want to go to the hospital. What is it you're wanting from him at this point? How do you want him to respond? If you're to the point where you want to go to the hospital now how are you going to feel once you're at your parents will that become better or worse? Or was your therapist correct in the first place by concluding that you mentioning the hospital was a subconscious way of trying to get out of the trip?

I don't find the email exchange odd. I do think the therapist is punitive. I understand the 3 choices thing, but I think his seeming lack of support for you choosing the third option is manipulative and punitive. I don't think you are responsible for your parents' choices or responses to your decisions. I think making choices for yourself that are in your best interest is a better plan than trying to please others. Parents will survive - it is a choice, in my opinion, to let them guilt trip you or for you to feel excessively responsible for how they feel. I hope you can make the best choice for yourself.

I agree with SD (!). I don't think it's right if he'd offer you a phone call if you were making one of the two choices he agrees with, but not the other. T's should realize that we have our own reasons for doing things. He should trust you to be able to make your own choices--you aren't a child. My T gives me plenty of feedback (sometimes more than I'd prefer!) and opinions, but I don't think he would choose to only offer support if I went with one of his preferences for something. It's nice that he's offering to schedule a call, but the conditions put on it would bother me.

I also agree that you're not responsible for how your parents feel. But I know that can be difficult--it's one of the things I struggle with (and am working on in therapy), feeling responsible for other people's feelings, wanting to please others (particularly authority figures, like parents), etc. If you do decide to go on the trip, could you maybe compromise--stay, say, 2 nights with your parents and the rest elsewhere? Or could you decide to make the trip shorter (you don't need to explain why)? Just a couple thoughts...

Again, I don't really think he was not offering support if you go. I think that was simply a reference to you perhaps needing additional support if you changed your plans to one of the other options since those would require perhaps some additional processing. I don't read him as punitive at all, just realistic.

I don’t read him at all as saying no support if you go. The current plan is to go, right, so why does that need to be discussed? The harder decision would be not to go or adjust plans in some way, given the parents’ nature, so that’s what the phone call is for. At least in my reading.

I think this is guy is controlling and punitive generally, but he may occasionally like a stopped clock be right about something.

In any case the real question for you, chihiro, seems to be your mental well-being, which does seem to have declined since just last weekend going by your posts, and what is best to do for you.

As an only child from a toxic family. I used to go home and stay with family and it always went poorly (may parents divorced when I was young so someone always felt shorted). Later I started staying with a friend that lived in my home town. What my parents discovered, in my case, was that I spent more quality time with both of them (because I had a safe place to go to every night). I brought my son home with me one year so stayed with my mother (friends home was not child friendly as they were older). It was a disaster for everyone except my son.

Now, the flip side... my son was an only child. My husband will be working the holidays which is always hard for me. My son has a strong negative reaction to me (I adopted him at age 8 and he struggles with it). He could handle a day or two here without it being toxic to him but he would be happier where he is. I opened my home to my son when he had no family to turn to. I raised him as my own for 12 years and gave him everything I could. I wasn’t a perfect parent but I was never neglectful or abusive. For what ever reason at this point in his life I am toxic to him. Sucks to be alone but I would rather he stay where he is and be happy/healthy than to fill my need to have someone here for the holiday.

Text is such a crappy way to communicate important things. The way I read this text is something like "I know that not staying at your parents as you planned to do will be hard to explain to them (options 1 and 2) , and so if you want to do either one of those things I'd be willing to problem solve with you about how to tell them." If you decide to go stay with them as planned you wouldn't need his help to discuss how to approach it with them. I don't hear anything in his response that says that if you decide to go to your parents and things go badly that he wouldn't be willing to talk to you. He just thinks it's a bad idea, and really only you know if he is right or not. I do kind of get what he is saying about the possibility that going to the hospital would get you out of going without having to just tell your parents that you don't want to go. You could make another excuse about why you can't go...sick, plumbing emergency, etc.

Chiro, what will it take to get you mad enough to stand up for yourself? I know i project my own past onto your present, but darn it they would excuse you in a new york minute if you had a serious bf. Medical school doesnt "count". let that sink in. Also, do they only want you to appear for the pregnancy check? To prove to them and the rest of the old relatives that you havent gotten knocked up? Its a thing. Also, is your appearance just so they can say you showed up?

This is your time to be building a life for yourself. The fact that they dont understand or approve what youre doing doesnt relieve you of that responsibility. Dont end up pathetic like me, because you wasted this time hiding under their skirts and kowtowing to them. No one will give you credit for that. Be a man!

What your therapist said makes a lot of sense. If visiting them in the past has often gone poorly, it's difficult to imagine this time being any different, especially if you stay with them.

Obviously I don't know your financial situation or if there would even be a place open on such short notice, but I think if you could swing it an AirBnB/HomeAway could be a happy medium solution of sorts with your therapist and it would be a buffer between you and your parents in case things go poorly.

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful replies--this community really is wonderful

In a strange twist of fate, my mom called me last night sounding like absolute crap and said that she's sick with pneumonia and she really wants to see me but is afraid of getting me sick so maybe I'd like to visit another time? *phew* I'm sorry that she's sick, of course, but I'm so relieved that I'm saved from having to either hurt them or sacrifice my sanity. Mark my words, next time I go home I am NOT STAYING WITH THEM GOSH DARN IT. I've learned my lesson--much better to make that the plan from the beginning than to change it later. And I'd booked the airplane ticket with frequent flyer miles so I'm only out $125 for the "redeposit fee" to put the miles back in my account (which is still a rip-off, but not nearly as bad as it could have been for a round trip cross-country flight in December).

Regarding my T, I was fascinated by everyone's different opinions regarding his approach to this issue! I get frustrated with his somewhat behaviouralist tendency to only "reward" actions that he believes to be healthy/right/good, so I'm primed to read his words that way. I believe that he cares about me and has my best interests at heart, but I also sometimes find his approach to be overly rigid or just plain weird.

Anyway, thank you everyone