Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

I have found the floor of my laundry because of my depression things get taken out of the machine put on the floor because i am too tired to hang them out so more frequently worn items get washed and the ones on the floor get washed sometimes 6 times before the make it to the line. But the past 2 days i perservered until it was all done now i can have 2 days rest til i need to start over again.

My eldest daughter arrives on Monday i am so excited. Then she and her sister drive down to see their dad before they come back for christmas with me yay

This year the cats do not seem intent on destrying the tree

I dont know why it is upside down i have spent ages trying to get it right

I'm super depressed. I thought H finally got a good job, but now it doesn't look like it. I'm so tired of life. I don't see the point anymore.

Ugh, woke up early (4am) and can’t get back to sleep. Thinking about some tough things I talked with T about in session and over email yesterday regarding some weird stuff that happened with my dad when I was a kid. I hate this.

Thats okay. We thought you had it in July anyway.

Ugh again—I really wanted to go skiing or at least hiking today to work off some of my intense feelings but it is unseasonably warm and raining. I might have to resort to going to the movies to distract myself.

Luckily it is supposed to stop raining for the 5k I signed up for tomorrow.

Has anyone heard from rainbow? Its been a year i think - maybe 2? - since she hurt her leg(s) at thanksgiving. I keep thinking about her lately. I hope shes feeling better.

She posted during the summer. Seemed to be doing well with her therapist and just more focused on her physical health.

They are biding their time. They would pass the marshmallow test with flying colors.

I'm trying to decide what to do with myself over Christmas. My company shuts down for a whole week over the holidays and this year the shutdown is the 23rd through the 27th, so basically I have the 21st through the 29th off work. My therapist will return and we will meet on the 26th and 27th. I found a place on the coast about a 4 hour drive from home that has cabins you can rent with a view of the bay. They're more upscale vs. rustic cabins with wifi and fire pits on the patio and they look comfortable. The problem is I've been struggling with SI lately and I've already envisioned how I would do it there. (I didn't tell my therapist this part.) My therapist has been to this town and he says it's kind of a depressing place with not a lot of stuff to do. He's worried I'll just be stuck with my own thoughts if I go somewhere more isolated like this. He envisions me going somewhere closer to home, like maybe an hour away, so if I get in a bad place mentally, I can retreat back home more easily. He said he would look around and see if he could find something interesting. I feel like I need to make a decision soon or places will be more likely to be booked already. I could always just not go anywhere too.

Hugs, NP. I'd think someplace with more stuff to do might be better, like a major or semi-major city (not sure what you're close to) or else resort town sort of place (if it's someplace people go to in winter, that is). Though that's also the sort of place I prefer in general. Have you considered telling T your thoughts? Though maybe he's already concerned about that, and it's why he's suggesting someplace else...

I already live in a major (maybe it's only semi-major; not sure how to define that) city and I don't go do things here. A lot of the time when I get out of the house, I get overwhelmed with feelings of loneliness and hopelessness so I tend to avoid it quite a bit. I also have some physical limitations that keep me from doing too much walking and which make me beat up on myself because they're largely my fault. One place he suggests I go often is a smaller town that is quite walkable and seems like a pleasant place to go hang out. I had to tell him yesterday that he overestimates what I can do physically, which I didn't really want to talk to him about. It's something I'm working up to talking about with him.

I did consider telling him my thoughts. I sometimes feel like he has his head in the sand when it comes to talking about SUI. I'm not sure why. He knows it has been a struggle for me, both in the past because I made an attempt when I was younger and since we've been working together. He knows I'm uncomfortable talking about it. I've been forthright about it, but I also tend to hint around it quite a bit. We've discussed my tendency to hint at it, so he's not unaware. But he also never (with maybe one or two exceptions) asks me where I'm at with it unless I bring it up, which is really difficult for me to do. I even asked him once why he never asked me about it and he said he'd have to think about it. He never told me if he came up with anything. Early on in our relationship, if it came up he would instantly put up what I would describe as a clinical wall. We talked about how him doing that made me feel and he's made an effort not to do that since then which I appreciate. Yesterday, we were talking about something else and I told him that he's not responsible for what's in my head. Then in an ill-advised moment, I added "If I ever do anything stupid, that comes from my head and you're not responsible". He said "what?" really sharply which made me think he heard me, but maybe he didn't understand what I said. I kind of rediverted around my statement and nothing else was said. Maybe he thinks not making a fuss around the topic is the best tactic. Or maybe it makes him doubt his efficacy as a therapist when I bring it up. I'm just not sure. I think I may write something down to give him first thing when we meet on Monday, although I don't want to spend our entire last session talking about this.

I wonder if it's something that some T's learn in their training, to not initiate those topics with clients? Because I don't think ex-T or Dr. T have ever initiated conversations on SUI or SH with me. Meanwhile, my former p-doc would ask about it at the end of every session (she had a list of questions she went through). I tended to think that Dr. T didn't take me seriously enough when I talked about those things. And once, I asked him if he had ever missed a client being SUI, like if they emailed or called him after the session and told him and he was surprised by it. He said he hadn't, and it made me worry that he was overconfident in that area. (I've never asked if he's ever lost a client, but I'm curious.) Plus, I can be in a pretty bad place, but by the end of session be smiling and joking, then go home and feel awful. So I feel it would be easy for him to think, "But she seemed fine when she left!" Then there was one night a few months ago (after something had happened the night before) where I was in a really bad place and emailed him about it. I was surprised that he replied to me multiple times on a Friday night (as I'd said I'd be safe). And he said the session afterward that he just had a certain feeling, like he was concerned what could happen if he didn't reply.

Sorry, I'm totally digressing here. For Monday, maybe you could say you want to share something with him but don't want to spend the whole session talking about it. I've done things like that before, and it generally works. I do understand your not wanting to spend all Monday on it (perhaps you could email it to him beforehand, including the note on not wanting to spend all session on it?). I just find sometimes it helps to get those sorts of thoughts out (though I guess you're getting them out here as well, but sharing them with someone in person can feel different). I hope your T is caring and makes you feel supported in session. I also hope you can find something to do with your time off that's relaxing and peaceful but where you can also stay safe--smaller town makes sense.

Our Christmas tree this year

I've just been looking at other therapists on Psychology Today. Found a couple who seem ok. But I'm too scared to act.

So pretty!

Do any of them offer free phone consultations? I suggest starting there if so.

They didn't mention it on their profiles. One says to call to set up an appointment for an initial assessment and evaluation. The others don't say anything.