Couch 209: The Kummer Couch

Hi Couchies! How is everyone today? I'm feeling anxious. Maybe about my appointment with Pastor T tonight. Maybe just because I'm at work and my inbox is empty and it's not even 10 AM. Maybe because I'm worried the suicidal feelings are going to get really strong again. Hmmm. I guess these are good reasons to be anxious. HUGS all, Kit

Hi Kit,

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope Pastor T doesn't screw this up for you.
I have been eating my feelings today, due to...Everything Stress.

Work stress, and my favourite TV series has been axed over here.
Plus actually looking at my anger is hard.

HUGS

Lost

Hi Lost. I agree, looking at my anger is hard too. And work stress (mostly amplified due to the depressive mood I've been in). I hope Pastor T doesn't mess up tonight either. I don't know what I want from him. But I just want everything to be okay and then I don't want to have to keep talking about it. Although my parents will be away for a few days this week. That always makes things worse for me. So I might end up going to the hospital. Sigh. Lots of HUGS for you too! Kit

Let the cat at it. (Or cats? You were discussing kittens.)

Cats have a very strong sense of feng shui and there is no interior decorating issue they can't fix, either by knocking it down or vomiting on it.

The cat is irritated that we moved his furniture to bring that thing in, so he is pretending it isn't there. Or maybe he is just so irritated that we couldn't get the dang thing straight that he can't even look at it.

I almost blew it yesterday when we stopped at the pet store for bird seed. I dawdled behind the boys and stopped to peek in at the kittens. Now they think I am weakening, so they bugged me about kittens all evening... I told them that I'd just wrap up crotchety cat, so if they get a package that's meowing, they'd better watch out when that box opens.

Hugs, Kit. I hope Pastor T is more helpful than harmful. And if you need to go to the hospital to stay safe, then do that.

Funny moment in session today. We were talking about drinking, and I was saying how I'd successfully stopped smoking (no cigarettes in like 10 years) and drinking soda on my own, using methods of gradually decreasing. Me: "So I don't think I necessarily have an addictive personality. Though maybe you do. But it doesn't matter what you think." T got this big grin then burst out laughing. T: "It doesn't matter what I think? What are you paying me for then?" I started laughing, too, and was like, "I didn't mean it that way!" T: "I was just surprised at how matter-of-factly you said it!" Me: [Tries to explain what I meant and dig self out of hole while still laughing.] When I left, as we were shaking hands, I said, "I really do care what you think!" T (smiling): "You're funny."

Couch, UGGGGHH. I saw Amy (EMDR therapist) last week, and she kept trying to strategize ways to be "interpersonally effective" in working things out with Liz (normal therapist) as Liz and I try to dig out from the volcanic eruption of Mount Rupture, which started back in April. I want Amy to tell me what I am doing wrong and how to fix things, but she doesn't seem to know. (She suggested telling Liz how I feel about various things, which I have done in several different ways to no avail.) Finally Amy wondered aloud whether she should try to consult with Liz to find out what is going on. They have talked briefly once or twice before, but I don't think Liz has really given Amy her side of the story.

Anyway, I saw Liz this morning and yikes. I feel emotionally devastated every time I leave her office now. It is ROUGH. My warm-and-fuzzy therapist has gone all hard/cold/analytical, or so it seems to me. Her pulling way back continually detonates trauma triggers around feeling alone, ignored, and unlovable. Today we had a long conversation about how I am not happy with a relationship unless I feel special, and that normal gestures of kindness and caring don't feel like enough to me. She was blaming trauma for making me get angry and pull away, not me as a person, but it still hurt. In part I feel hurt because she's right about the specialness thing, and in part I feel hurt because I already feel bad enough in her office without her adding on more distressing truths.

I came home and typed up as much of the session as I could remember so I can show it to Amy this week. I don't know what to think about any of this. The longer this rupture continues unrepaired, the more I wonder if Liz is doing more harm than good. Liz and I have a long history together and she usually has really good insights (better than Amy, honestly), but I am not sure I can tolerate the enormous distance Liz has inserted between us. I do think people need to feel special to certain others (like parents and partners), so I feel confused about the immense amount of shame I feel about what she said. I wish she had never become a mother figure to me. I feel like she tricked me by letting me get close to her and then pulling away. I am trying so hard to get back on track with Liz, but I still just feel like I am doing damage control all the time instead of being myself and going where I want to go in therapy.

EM, that sounds so rough. I'm so sorry this is happening.

I'm getting so tired today at work. Don't know if it is the migraine. The stress of my therapy appointment later. Or the fact that every time I talk to my parents right now, they are like, "Are you okay????" OMG.

Thank you, Universe...another literary rejection was just how I needed to round off today.

So H has a work meeting across the street from where I work. I suggested riding together - I'd be an hour early to work and he'd have to wait one hour after for me but since it's a 45 minute commute I felt the savings would be worth it. H is refusing to wait for me and wants me to drive on my own.

I hate that turducken is a thing. I will actually have both the girls for Christmas this year deciding what to do for lunch

Just about an hour until my T appointment. UGH. Don't want to go. I'm sure it will be fine. No I'm not sure. I'm trying to psych myself up that it will be fine.

I hope it goes well, Kit. I can pocket-ride if you like.

Home from the dermatology surgeon. They removed the skin cancer from my neck. They check to make sure they have clean margins before they send folks home, and everything looks good.

That place is like a spa: Comfy recliners, warm blankets, free wifi, snacks and drinks. The nurse and the surgeon were just lovely people, too. I should be right as rain, so hopefully I won't have to go back. But if I do, there's free food!

One more thing ticked off the list of Things I Need to Worry About.

WFS...I’m glad everything went well.

I just now saw on a therapist weekly goals Facebook page that one has a goal this week of interrupting her clients at least twice per session. Then she’s going to reflect on why she found that hard to do.

One, she can’t think of it as redirecting them if they’re going on and on, and two, why is she using clients to provide her own therapy?

The lawyer sent the agreement to my sister at 7am this morning after she emailed him last night to tell him he’s fired for not sending it. She forwarded me a copy of it to read. There are typos in it. He spelled my name completely wrong in the agreement and added a middle name to my name which doesn’t exist. (There is a list of approved baby sitters in there which is why my name is in it) he’s missing things out of the agreement that should have been added from their mediation sessions and it’s missing a part of the holiday schedule for the baby. What the actual ****. She’s so upset. Oh, and because he took so long with the agreement in the first place mail came to their house from family court about the parenting classes that our state requires for divorcees. So Eventually to be ex got that mail today and he hasn’t even been served yet. I told her to make sure she has her phone on her so she can dial 911 right away if she needs to since he got that mail today.

Oh, Jersey. Just UGH. I hope she takes all of that info to a different attorney. Hugs.