Talking to T about sex

Just wondering- ugh- has anyone been able to successfully talk with their T about sex- in detail- like in detail about the physical aspects- what you have done physically or not done in terms of specifics. My T asked me some questions this weekend. (They were relevant to what we were discussing). I would very much like to answer her and be able to discuss it with her. But because of my history, I freeze in shame and can’t get any words out, don’t even know how to discuss it with her. I don’t even know if my T knows I want to be able to. I really just froze and started shaking when she asked this weekend. I don’t even have the words to use to write about it to her. I’d welcome any advice.

L and I have talked a little about sex. We first went over what words were okay and not okay to say. Whenever I have difficulty putting words to it, she gives me options. For example, sort of similar, I was talking to L about having to be examined by doctors in the private areas. She wanted to know what makes it hard for me. I couldn't say because I couldn't use the words. So she guessed for me. She gave me 3 guesses, and one was right. Still, it helped so much that she was willing to give examples.

Another way I've talked about sex is by writing. I can be much more open by writing.

That is exactly my problem! Not being able to use the words. I’m so glad your T was able to help you through it.

I've talked about having sex, with an ex, I probably shouldn't have during a hypomania. I've also talked about missing it.

I usually struggle with the words a lot too, but I recently had a session where I was SUPER open about specifics and everything. I talked to him about details of things I like, don’t like, body sensations, etc. I don’t know how that happened or if I’ll ever be able to do it again. It was maybe like a month ago.

Not sure if applicable, but I’ve spoken about sexual abuse but what’s helped is using vague terms like ‘down there’ ‘chest area’ ‘using his mouth’ etc rather than using medical or sexual terms. I think writing it down in advance is easier too, then saying you want to talk about what you’ve written. I find it easier to be guided by their language, too - so I know that it’s ok to say and it’s not shameful or too much. Deep down, I know nothing is actually too much and it’s just me finding it difficult.

I've talked to my T about sex a fair amount. He's very matter-of-fact about it, so that helps. Like he treats it as if I'm talking about any other subject. He doesn't seem at all bothered by it or uncomfortable, so it helps me. He will also joke around a bit to keep it lighter if he can tell I'm anxious, which works for me (I'm sure that wouldn't work for everyone--he only does that because he knows me well, and I joke around with it, too.) For example, not exactly sex-related, but I mentioned something about my period and was like, "Sorry if that's TMI," and T replied, in an exaggerated tone, "Oh my gosh, you have a period!"


I would let your T know that you want to talk about it but feel uncomfortable. Actually, you could print out part of what you wrote here and show it to her. If she knows you're uncomfortable, she will likely be more gentle about it and try to find ways to make you more comfortable. Try to think what might be more comfortable for you. Like, say, if you asked your T to look away from you while you're talking? If you wrote it down instead of saying it? If you came up with certain terms to use (even if they seem silly)? If it's about things you have or haven't done, maybe your T could ask the questions and you could just say "yes" or "no" or nod or shake your head, or use a hand gesture to indicate your answers. Or even, no response means yes, but a gesture or word for "no."


Another thought is if she has specific questions, maybe she writes/types them, gives them to you, then either you answer then verbally or in writing, or you could take them home, think about them, write answers there, when you aren't in front of her? (then either email answers or give them to her next session). Just trying to think of ideas. I will say, it was really awkward for me at first, but the more I talked about it, the easier it became. Bear in mind that nothing you say will probably shock or surprise her. I recall, when on the topic of sex, ex-MC at one point said, "I'm a psychologist--I've heard everything!" If it's that you worry she'll be, say, disgusted by what you share, I'd try to tell her that, too. Let her know what you're feeling or fear, and she should work to help you get past that.

When I am talking about sex, I am quite relaxed about it and use informal language. She has mixed responses to my sexual life . She has described herself as being prurient and there are times when she seems overly invested in my sexual experiences and behaviours. She can also be very liberal and relaxed.

When I am talking about sexual abuse, I use anatomically correct terms only and I can't tolerate any kind of euphemism or vague terms like "down there". I consider them to be infantalising and I find them disgusting. She is ordinarily very careful and considered when we do this work, but even then there have been occasions where she has reflected on the fact that she does not know any details. I found that inappropriate and vaguely threatening, but I have not raised this with her yet.

Do you do somatic work with your therapist? If the words are frozen, perhaps you can locate feeling in your body which, in turn, might enable you to release some emotional feeling and apply words to your experiences.

I've never been able to, with any T. The most I've been able to reveal is when I lost my virginity years ago and that the experience was painful. Other than that I've only really been able to talk about having a sex life, not what actually goes on in it.

Yeah. She's pretty brazen and confrontational about it. I guess the same could kind of be said of me since I'm sometimes intentionally provocative with the things I say.

Anyway, feel free to PM me if you're wondering anything specific.

I have never been able to talk about it. If the discussion goes there I will talk around it. Example when we talk about my abuse I call it just that or say "because of my childhood experiences". She has said SA a few times. I brought up that I am uncomfortable with I just want to call it A.

A couple of times I blurted things out without thinking about it

We tried to do exposure therapy with sex it wasnt very successful and i became unstable after 3 sessions

Oh man I can't really help. I have the same problem and next session, we will be talking about another "event". I am not looking forward to it!

I have my notes written out. It took me a long time to write it. I would literally type a word and walk away from my computer in disgust.

I, too get all tense, and my words get stuck in my throat.

I don't know how I am going to do this next session. I really don't know if I will be able to say anything when it comes to that part. I fear I will freeze, and that is embarrassing to me too! OMG!!!

I just tell myself it is important to persevere. Therapy can be terribly difficult but in the end it is rewarding.

Sex and periods brings up bucket loads of shame for me, but less so with time.(3 year therapy badge)

I emailed him something and asked him not to reply back.That way I wouldn't have to see his reaction whilst he read it.

Same with me – those two topics. Very hard, I know.

T and I have not talked about the SA yet but he knows it is there. T was actually kind of surprised the first time I started talking about sex in session. The first time it just came out as part of the conversation. He was surprised 1. It wasn’t a conversation you would expect would go there and 2. I was comfortable with it. Had it been “planned” I most likely would have gotten all worked up over it. As far as the content of the conversation T was not phased at all. He was sensitive to my comfort level but he didn’t act any differently than if we were talking about my job or finding shoes that fit. So now it’s pretty easy. Having talked to T about sex first will make it a lot easier for me when we start talking about SA.

We got close. She’s the first person I ever told I wasn’t straight a few months ago. I’m a woman and if I ever date again it’ll probably be another woman. My past relationships have all been with men.
About a month or so ago, T and I were talking about oxytocin and she mentioned that it’s one of the reasons why sex feels good. I told her that I had hated sex in the past, especially with my (now ex)-husband. She said something along the lines of “just wait til you get a girlfriend.”
Normally I’m super anxious/embarrassed by anything sex related (can’t even get a reproductive health checkup), but this little conversation made me smile and was kinda fun. I think it helps that she’s not straight, either, but was married to a man in the past, too.

Yes, my t and I have talked about sex several times. We're both mature women with adult children. Sex is an important part of life, nothing to be embarrassed about.

I’m way too embarrassed to talk about it or even to admit I’m a 33 year old virgin woman.