Silence in therapy

Haha, exactly how I would take it. Maybe ask the T what's up, not in the mood for working today?

I personally don't see the point of silence in talk therapy and would never take any more than a few seconds or max a minute to think about something. My first T was just starting at me or gave very short, meaningless responses sometimes in the beginning. I told him I didn't like that and would stop going if that was the "therapy" for my money. He did change it.

I find silence really powerful and would love to use it more in therapy but am not brave enough. I think a lot can be 'said' without words - sometimes you just need to be with someone and know they are with you in what you're feeling and there's no pressure to keep talking if you don't want to. People rarely allow for silence in everyday life, at least in my experience, so for me there's something healing about allowing silence in the therapy room.

I like your comment but to me it doesn't work like that. To me it feels like the therapist isn't invested enough to make an effort to find out what's going on. It's an easy solution showing power imbalance and lack of involevment

Like anything it would depend heavily on the therapy relationship. I couldn't have sat in silence with past ts - in fact one t openly disliked it and tried to pull me out. I have to be very comfortable with the t and know she is comfortable with it for it to be healing. It's nothing to do with my t's lack of involvement - she's the most proactive t I've ever had and very engaged and in tune with me. That is why silence with her would feel connecting, not disconnecting.

If I get silent for more then a couple minutes she asks me how I’m feeling or what I’m thinking. I find it useful I guess.

But how do you know she is hearing what it is you think you are saying? As in, how do you know you're actually communicating something? How would someone on the receiving end know you aren't just caught up in your own thoughts or don't feel like talking? How do you know she's not just sitting there thinking her own thoughts waiting until you start talking again?

Genuinely curious because I just don't get it. I asked the therapist one time what she was thinking during one of the long silences, and she said she was just waiting for me to talk to her. Which was annoying.

I think that there are many different types of silence depending on the mood. My T seems aware of this and hasn’t let me sit too long in silence or at least asks about it. He’s also said it’s just fine for us to sit in silence together. There are times that this feels intimate and calming to me.

I walked out on one I tried because she just sat there staring at me while I shook and did not know what was supposed to be happening. I think therapists are the biggest scam artists around and they just mess with you.

It's a felt connection so cant convey it in words on a screen. You don't get it because you haven't experienced it. This isn't a cop out - it's just something you need to feel to know. It's not unlike someone telling you they have experienced the deep peace of God - if you don't believe in God or have never experienced deep peace, you won't understand someone trying to write about it. If you're looking for concrete 'evidence' it's things like she's always looking at me when I glance up, her gaze never wanders off me, once I start talking (usually rambling) she is completely engaged in what I'm saying, she's got mildly emotional with me when I'm sitting in tearful silence. Stuff like that. But what it really comes down to is the feeling in the room - of trusting and knowing that connection, that she is feeling WITH me, whether I'm talking or not. It takes a special T to feel that with and I have a special, genuine t. I've seen ts who I absolutely couldn't have sat in silence with on any level because it would only feel horrible. It absolutely depends on the relationship as well as your own level of comfort with silence.

That was my problem as well. The silence happened maybe 3-4 times in many years but each time I ended up feeling upset and angry. It was very distressing to me. Silence doesnt communicate anything. Maybe after some very emotional conversation there is space for a few minutes of quiet time to process things but this time I literally walked in said a few small talk things and then for some reason got stuck. So we sat there for a long time, me facing away, I dont even know if the T was looking at me. After maybe 20 minutes we attempted to talk a bit but at that point I was already los/blocked.. it would have helped if T patiently started asking what was going on sooner or it would be even more helpful if T just started talking about anything, maybe even commenting that I have been quiet.
I dont know, silence to me doesnt mean connection. at least not in therapy

I love this response. It’s how I experience my relationship with my T as well, and although I’ve been seeing him for over two years, this particular experience with him feels new to me, and it’s nice. It’s really an experience that needs to be felt and can lose its meaning when I try to put it in words. Our relationship hasn’t always been this way. For a long time it was quite tumultuous. I was frustrated and angry and skeptical much of the time. This time last year I sent him a big FU email, in fact. It’s taken a long time to shift. As I look back now, he has been consistent and engaged and unflappable no matter what. I think I’ve just recently been able to allow myself to “get” something from him, and even sitting in silence can feel powerful and good.

I'm sorry that I gave you the impression that I was questioning your experience - that wasn't what I intended but I see why it came off that way. I have no way of knowing what goes on in your therapy and it would be pretty arrogant of me to think I do. The word "evidence" makes it sound like I wanted proof - I wasn't looking for anything concrete, I was just curious about the things I asked because I feel so baffled by why the therapist I see just sits there like a bump on a log so much. I was wondering if she thinks I'm communicating something, or if she's communicating something. It's all very confusing to me. If you haven't gathered this already, interpersonal communication is not my forte.

You are probably right that it's something that has to be experienced to be understood. Thank you for your examples.

Please don't worry but I really appreciate your apology. I may have come across a bit defensive in my reply. It is hard to put across a subjective experience in words never mind through the internet so that was my frustration too. Glad you found my reply helpful anyhow. I hope you have a more positive experience with silence sometime.

I just posted my own experince, actually wrote it in her office. Not in session but after. Before session she had gone to the bathroom, and she brought in her file on me, and then went to the the restroom. I snapped a picture of her notes. I saw that she noted i was dissociative. Saw she noted i was silent and went into a child state rocking, and was very agitated. Back and forth. She noted she is going to continue this to observe my responses, as she is no longer doing all the talking as usual. This was the second session. After session i emailed her, told her how i hate silence, how it feels like a punishment, silent treatment was normal in my family, even had a middle school teacher give me the silent treatment.
I am not sure if i am more or less dissociative lately. Even when i feel a sense of my whole mind being present she says something that makes me doubt myself. I am so hurt and pussed off at her for treatment me this way. I was abandon as a infant, often felt i was listen to and silence makes it even more real. Not what i wanted before the holiday. I walked out of session today, only to return and apologize. Now i wish i had left for good. I told her i cant do this, i cant. She asked cant do what, i had no other answer. I am afraid its all in my damn head and makes me feel hurt and angry at her !! When really i know she is just trying to keep me engaged and i am failing miserably. Because of a different reason i have taken two weeks off of work, and i feel like such crap that i am thinking of leaving my job too. Kids keep me going...otherwise i would let myself go. Maybe all that is in my head too. All this because she, the only person i talk to is giving me the silent treatment. I had talked for a few minutes in the beginning about what i have been doing with my time off from work, but after that. Dead silence. See my post if interested...i cant see what i am trying because of the tears..

I see this is an older post but I thought I give some comments anyway.

What kind of therapy are you in? Is it CBT, psychodynamic or other?

When I read about this in different forums and articles it´s common that psychodynamic therapists see silence as nothing to act on, that is speak to ease the tension. It´s likely such a therapist will just wait and see and let you sit in silence until you speak.

Personally I´m not a fan of that as I see it only as provoking the client and there´s also a risk the client will leave therapy prematurely.

You ask if it´s ok if both client and therapist sit quiet for 40 minutes and I would say it´s ok but probably not helpful if there´s a lot of tension in the room. If the therapist doesn´t ask you about such a silence but ignores it, perhaps next session will look the same.

There´s a good article on Psychology Today about this: Silence in Psychotherapy | Psychology Today

This is especially for those who interprets clients´ being silent as resistance or him/her not engaging in therapy. The client should not be blamed for sitting in silence and not talking to the therapist.


I´ve sat silent several times and with different therapists and counselors. Often it depended on either that they did something that hurt me, for example came in late and I didn´t feel it bothered them. Or I felt they weren´t competent enough to understand me on an emotional level and by that I just decided to not say anything more. I don´t know how they felt about it, I use the silence when nothing else seems to help.

I’d say if a client can afford to pay out of their pocket for sitting in silence for 40 minutes, then I don’t see why not. It’s our choice how to conduct therapy sessions.

But I certainly would not ask my health insurance or government if I was on welfare assistance or disability insurance to pay for me to sit silent. I can be silent at home on my own time for free. Just my take on it

For the first 2 yrs, silence was hard unless I was disassociating then, well I wasn't really aware of it. Then came a period of being "locked in" as some have said and my silence was due to the screaming/yelling in my head and me holding it in for various reasons. At that time silence was rarely longer than a few mins up to 5 mins before she'd try to engage me or check on disassociation. Now we are at a place where the silence is needed. I need things to be much slower to give me time to understand and be with whatever I am experiencing. She varies on how long she'll let me be in the silence and how she approaches it. Sometimes, I'm able to say something about it; other times not. Like Echo, if I want more silence, sometimes I just don't respond.

T believes that lot can be said in the silence and that silence has many meanings. I have a children's book called "the quiet book" by Deborah Underwood. We read that book sometime in the 2nd year. When I was trying to tell her that my silence had way too many meanings/reasons.

I´m glad your T seems to understand your silence and that she goes at your pace. As you say silence can mean som many different things to different clients, it´s important not to just jump to conclusions about why the client is silent.