Silence in therapy

Do you ever benenfit from prolonged silence in a session? I don't get how more than 5 minutes is ever helpful and ive had a few sessions when we would sit there and nobody says anything. I get blocked, i cant explain that to the therapist at the time but i always wanted them to reach out, ask as many questions as it takes to get me talking again. I want to know if there is anyone who thinks its ok for both the therapist and client to sit there for 40minutes without saying anything. Its a very difficult experience for me. It literally makes me think they dont give a **** and the responsibility for the conversation to flow is on me. I hate it!

Wouldn't work for me, but I'm not one to sit in a therapy session and not talk, nor do I see any benefit to paying someone to sit there in silence. I can do that on my own (and I do as a relaxation technique - I refuse to do relaxation techniques in therapy also. LOL. Stubborn that way.) Just seems like a monumental waste of money (not something I have a great deal of to waste), and it seems rather lazy therapy for a therapist to be making the big bucks by just sitting there making their grocery list in their head or whatever they would do with such a huge amount of silent time.

I can understand a few minutes of silence, but 40 minutes? Heck no.

I'd say if it works for person, then it's their therapy. Go for it.

If it isn't working for you, talk to your therapist about it. Mine always knew how to let the silence only go on long enough for me to gather my thoughts, and then they knew how to say something or ask something that would get past the silence into talking. Silences might go on for maybe 5 minutes max. I preferred that, and they were well aware of just how long I could/would tolerate silence.

This has happened to me w/ my therapist multiple times, and I. Hate. It.
I have a dissociative disorder, and I need effing HELP getting out of a dissociative silence like that. And he sits there. And sits there.

Anyways, fwiw, this is what I have asked him for (taken from email):

Here are my thoughts on what I think would be most helpful:

1. I need to start labeling the true anxiety when it's happening: saying "I'm anxious/afraid of getting locked in right now" when that anxiety springs up in our sessions. I'm not sure if that anxiety springing up is a sign that it's about to happen or not, but if I name it, we can talk about it in the moment & figure that out.

2. If I do lapse into a long silence (we can figure out together what that looks like...maybe like a minute or something), could you just ask me something like "are you still here with me?" That will extend that "branch" for me to take hold of... if it's not a lockdown, I'll be able to tell you that it's not a lockdown & I'm still there.

3. If I respond that I'm having trouble staying in the room...or if I can't respond, perhaps we could identify some grounding exercises to initiate? It would be helpful for me if you could, at least for now, suggest them... because it's very embarrassing to me to actually do grounding exercises in front of someone... It would be helpful if I know you've kind of "given me permission" or suggested it... at least right now, because I've actually not done any grounding exercises in front of anyone ever.

I realize that, at this point, the work falls on me -- I have to listen & actually do the exercises & fight to get back in the room & then actually talk about it even though it's embarrassing. I also realize we probably have to plan for the possibility of a Part flat-out taking over & preventing that from happening. I'm not sure at what point I'd tell you "ok, you tried, you can just give up on me now & let me dissociate into oblivion." Because, of course, I don't want to be "given up on," and I want to be able to promise you that I'll always listen & follow through. But, we still have to plan for it...

If that did happen - if I didn't do my part & do the work & be vulnerable by doing the grounding exercise & then actually talking ...if some Part prevents it or whatever... then that is on me. I will, at least, be able to look at it and say "well, he didn't abandon me - he tried to help, and I didn't follow through, and that's on me." I'm afraid that if that happens, it might make you frustrated/angry at me, though. I'll admit that. It's not my intention to fail to follow through...

I don't find long silences helpful either, I don't think I've ever been silent for more than 5 minutes. The therapist should certainly keep up their end in conversation but I do think it's up to the client to direct.

Maybe try talking about the silence? You could tell them how it makes you feel and that you want them to ask questions or help you get out of it somehow. Maybe you can figure out why it happens and why you feel so stuck.

Silence in therapy is really important to me. I can't think quickly in the therapy room and I struggle to be aware of what I am feeling so I need to be able to concentrate and I need silence for that. I work really slowly and silence fits that pace. It is common for me to ask for silence or to sit with silence for 20+ minutes. Sometimes I just need her to shut up because she is getting on my nerves and making too much noise, it feels as if there is no room for me.

I also HATE prolonged silence, it makes me feel completely abandoned, alone and like my T doesn’t give a damn that I am clearly struggling. I can cope with a few minutes but after that it really bothers me. I haven’t spoken to my T about it as I hate any type of conflict or confrontation but I often leave sessions so angry with him because of these silences and the way they make me feel. He often sighs during the silence which I don’t think he is aware of and that just adds to the fact that it seems like he is frustrated/annoyed/bored. If I was to raise it with him I am pretty sure he will just say it’s important for him to give me space to work our what I’m feeling, but once a few minutes has passed I’m not even thinking about what we were discussing any longer, just the fact that he is just letting me struggle in silence.

Its very similar for me. Prolonged silence makes me angry and makes me realise i am there alone, that its all good when i can say my ******** but when it gets to them making a bit of effort they don't give a ****. Who would ever think coming in and paying big money to sit there uncomfortably is good and therapeutic. Its the therapist not making an effort and using lame excuses of 'giving me space'! And i don't want to have this useless conversation adressing it!

I think even 5 minutes would push my tolerance. I've never had a therapist let me go that long. Mine all have seemed to love to hear their own voices. I once told one to stop talking because she was giving me a panic attack. She did. Maybe for a minute and a half and I think that was hard for her.

I used to get stuck and not know what to say so I started writing it down and handing it to them or sometimes reading it to them. I don't need that much any more, but when I first started therapy I would think of all kinds of things I wanted to say between sessions and yet somehow got blocked during sessions. Questions would have helped me a lot then too, but I think that a whole bunch of questions make some people nervous, so you might want to tell your therapist what you need...or write it down and hand it to her.

I'd dissociate and start rocking. I could spend the entire session in silence.

I find silence really useful. A lot gets said without speaking, I find. If it gets as long as five minutes, my therapist might just ask me what is happening for me or something. Sometimes, if I want to continue being silent, I won't answer.

I think it depends on what modality of treatment you’re using. I can’t imagine it being helpful is CBT, IPSRT, or solution focused therapy, but it might be more useful in psychodynamic, or trauma focused therapy.

I would talk to T. Both of mine never allowed more that 2 or 3 minutes and that seemed like an eternity. I struggle with the silence so. normally I will talk about some random thing su h as something that happened that week.

If I go more than the couple of minutes usually they ask me either what is in my head or what emotions am I feeling. Sometimes I tell then I honestly don't know. So they will poke around a bit and ask questions.

Does the T specialize in trauma? I cant imagine them not grounding or helping to "pull you out".

I do disassociate or freeze. Emdr T has become really good at noticing when it is happening or has happened. She immediately jumps into bringing me back. I cant talk when it happens and frequently can't move. She will ask if I am present with her if I am she will get me talking. If not she works to help bring me back

One of the things she has said is nothing theraputic happens if I am disassosiated. I can't imagine a T just leaving a client to figure it all out

I get annoyed when the silence is too long. It's like, clearly I'm done speaking, now it's your turn! But she just sits there like a bump on a log.

If I wanted to have a monologue, I'd either do it at home or expect payment for my performance.

Exactly. I felt like a monkey in a circus/zoo. 'you do your dance now and I will sit here and watch'. I'll bring it up. Its an absolutely crap technique. This was literally all of the session. We talked for less than 10 minutes that day all of it crap!

I had a therapist that just stared at me most of the time. Although I do not dissociate, I did not find it at all helpful and stopped seeing her.

I saw someone refer to it as the silent treatment one time on reddit - that made me laugh, and the next time I felt really annoyed that the therapist was doing it, I asked her why she was giving me the silent treatment.

Yes. When it is an uncomfortable or scared silence T will reach out to me with very gentle words or a gentle touch. Usually once I feel safe again we start back up talking.
Last session was different though. T was sitting beside me because I was sharing some new stuff and wanted him close (beside me feels closer than in front of me even if there is more physical space). I couldn’t see T’s face and I am kinda glad I couldn’t. After I told him he put his hand on my arm and just sat there. To be honest I don’t think he had words for what he had just heard. The silence felt fitting though. I started talking again when I was ready.
BTW T and I have agreed on when and how it is beneficial for him to use touch with me.

My last T would let me sit in silence most of the session, and I hated it. She knew I hated it too, just never changed the way she worked with me. My current T doesn't let silence sit too long. The most I will sit in silence is two minutes or so, and then she asks a question or continues on the topic we were on.

Hey @Forgetmenot07 This seems odd to me. Have you ever asked outright why this happens and see if the therapist has an answer?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Forgetmenot07 Do you ever benenfit from prolonged silence in a session? I don't get how more than 5 minutes is ever helpful and ive had a few sessions when we would sit there and nobody says anything. I get blocked, i cant explain that to the therapist at the time but i always wanted them to reach out, ask as many questions as it takes to get me talking again. I want to know if there is anyone who thinks its ok for both the therapist and client to sit there for 40minutes without saying anything. Its a very difficult experience for me. It literally makes me think they dont give a **** and the responsibility for the conversation to flow is on me. I hate it!