Therapy in 30 minutes and it freaks me out

I posted this one week ago: https://psychcentralforums.com/psych...perienced.html

I have my next session in about half an hour and I am terrified ...

I can pocket ride (accompany you in spirit) if you’d like!

Please do !

Hope it was okay. Let us know how it went if you feel like it!

Thinking of you @pliepla !
Hoping your session went well.

Thinking about you @pliepla, hope your session went well. Hugs

Hope your session went well @pliepla

I hope it went better than expected.

Hope your session went okay, pliepla.

Hope you're OK

It felt great knowing people are hoping you'll do fine. It's like listening to Lou Reed's Berlin of Cohen's Songs of Love and Hate: having the feeling that I don't stand alone, if only for a brief moment, is more than I have hoped for the last few years.

My session, just as this week's, was hard. As I expected. But I tried to stand my ground and brought up her statement about other people not giving up while they have a much harder time. Her explanation is that I put the blame of my failures on others. That I don't take responsability and that my (lack of another) coping mechanism is making me unhappy. This discussion has been going on for two sessions now. I can somehow relate to the idea (which is quite new to me), but I think she's seeing things as too black and white.

I have the feeling at this moment that the whole point of what she's trying to achieve is that, no matter what, I will always see an alternative (I don't, not anymore), that no matter how harsh the next blow life will deal me, I will just get up, brush it the dust of my clothes and continue as if nothing happened. For myself, I have a feeling that I am way beyond the point where this could help me because even the slightes setback leaves me incapacited for days. I'm beyond the point where I can still pull this off. I do have a history of being yelled at by parents, ex-partners and intimidation by managers, I do have low - if any - self-esteem, reflection upon my alternatives for the future sets of an endless stream of self-criticism, to such an extent that it is blocking me. And yet, I am supposed to act as if all this never happened.

Some examples of what she means: when I started studying for my second degree, I experienced a severe form of performance anxiety. I signalled this to my erstwhile psychiatrist, I was sent to a specialist. This person sent me away, stating that my problem was wanting to study at the age of 37 and not performance anxiety. I tried to deal with this on my own. I signalled my emotions, my experience later onwards but since I was getting good grades at the time, nobody wanted to deal with the issue: nobody wanted to deal with it, because I was still "doing great" (needing 3 years for a one year's master). My current therapist tells me that she sees a strong sense of entitlement in my behaviour. Other people would have searched for another solution.
I have a similar pattern in trying to find a job: all I get is pressure. I know government services do provide coaching for people in my situation. I have asked for this but up to know, all coaching has been denied to me. That is: up to yesterday when I took part in a workshop and all of a sudden the person giving the workshop asked me whyI didn't have a coach. I said: "I don't know, I've asked for it and they just told me it was not for me". The result is I'm getting a coach within a month or two (depending on waiting lists). My therapist's opinion: "You are not entitled to this, you should have taken your own responsibility and looked wider instead of counting on others." The argument that I've been writing at least one letter every weekday for six monthis (with only little response) only provoked a "You should have reconsidered your options."

I do believe I have a pretty good idea of where things are going amiss. I think I can pretty accurately point out where I need help. Is it wrong to say that, if I don't see a solution for some concrete problems I am facing, I have taken up the greater part of my responsibility by pointing out the problem and narrowing down my request for help as much as I can?

I really don't have a good feeling with this therapist. I'm going downhill quite fast. But keeping in mind that I've been without therapy for 6 months - not for lack of searching, but I suppose this will womehow be explained as my own doing too - I am reluctant to give this up.

I don't see you blaming other people for your problems at all. What I see is that despite your performance anxiety you managed to finish a master's degree and are working hard at getting a job including writing letters every day and going to workshops and asking for help from a coach. You could just say "well screw the job, I'll just try to get on welfare."

I'm impressed that you went to therapy and stood up for yourself. A lot of people would have just not shown up for the appointment. I think that therapy that is more strength based works better than criticism any day. I doubt I would be able to tolerate your therapist nearly as well as you do.

@maybeblue : To some extent, I can follow her. I've always been apt to overthink, to overanalyze. I always try to explain why things happen; partly because for a long time I have believed that understanding the origin of my issues would help me cope with them. I can also agree with the idea that my coping strategy is not efficient. Or at least, it's not when I end up in a situation that is too complicated (like dealing with unemployment and a divorce at the same time). What bothers me most is that she blames me for not having a coping strategy and that the only response to my remark that I seek out therapy to get help in these matters is: "You are again counting on others to solve your problems, you don't want to take responsibility."

I think the main reason why I stand up for myself is because I can't stand injustice. And I believe that what happens feels unjust in the first place. To a certain degree, I do realize that this part of my personality gives me the sense of not having control over my own life and is making me unhappy. But I would really hate to be the umpteenth indifferent person. Recognizing the unjustice that befalls me and trying to stand up against that, is a new experience. Acting as a smartass and trying to get the intellectual upperhand is not

Yet, I did not want to give up: I've had fallouts with therapists before and I have at times wondered whether it's their lack of interest, whether they might think they cannot help me but don't want to admit it or whether it's my attitude or an unwillingness to face certain thruths that makes me break off therapy with a certain therapist. In addition, it's been hard to find somebody and I don't believe I can take another five or six months without help.

By the way: I am on welfare, it's standard here. But when I get the chance to work for a day, I go to work. Even if I make less money than welfare has to offer (but I must admit, the difference is rather small) ... It's always hard to leave the house in the morning, but with the temporary and part-time job I did the last two months I've always felt better in the evening. I've got great colleagues (it's a pity they will never read this but I won't forget to tell them on my last working day next Friday), and I will miss them after New Year, when my contract ends. I work in a bicycle repair shop now, and I'll sure as hell keep my tires inflated: their compressor is the perfect excuse to drop by from time to time.