My Abuser is a Therapist

This is about domestic abuse by a partner who is a therapist, not abuse in therapy.

I need to ask some questions only a therapist can answer, and it can't be the therapist I will go to see.

Someone comes into your practice for help recovering from abuse. You spend several sessions with them and develop rapport. After a few weeks or months, your client tells you they want to name their abuser. After a lot of nervous rambling, they mumble their abuser's name with their head down. You're pretty sure they just said the name of someone you worked with and know well. What thoughts go through your mind?

This is a situation I may find myself in. I live in a small town with few practices. I've already been to two practices and have seen several therapists but I wasn't a good fit with them. The other places I saw were way outside my budget or were specialized for drug users and probationers. There are only a handful of places left here, and the best option is the practice my abuser was working for. She moved out of state so I don't have to worry about seeing her, but I'm really nervous about starting therapy with someone there and actually being a good fit.

I'm terrified that if I am honest at the start about this potential conflict of interest then they won't believe me. I'm also worried that if I wait to name my abuser then they will feel deceived.

Should I avoid this practice altogether? My other option is to drive 20-30 miles for every session or forego therapy. In-person therapy is important to me so online isn't a good option.

Should I even name her at all? It's been over a year since we broke up and I've suffered in silence this whole time. I want help. I want to name her, for someone else besides me to know what she put me through, but would that be fair to the therapist?

Would it create a conflict of interest?

Would you have to end therapy with that client?

Most importantly, if a client you've believed so far told you their abuser was someone you worked with, liked, and trusted, would you still believe them?

I'm so sorry for the long post. This is a really difficult question with many parts. Thank you so much for reading this far. I will answer any questions to the best of my ability.

I had an employer that abused me. I went some time later to a therapist I had met in grad school. I had adored her from afar in grad school. She was so genuine and firm but fair. I never took a course with her but a friend did and they were obnoxious with her. She stayed calm, steady and supportive but maintained boundaries. I was SO excited to have a chance to work with her. I off handedly mentioned it to the abuser as I had not cut off contact yet. He told me he worked with her several years ago and how skilled a T she was. He told me about doing some groups with her and consulting with her on some cases. Long story short he had relations with at least one client in that setting and left with a bit of a reputation. The T seemed happy to see me having remembered me from grad school and in the beginning things went well. Then one session out of nowhere I mentioned the abuse from my former employer. She was not surprised and seemed supportive... BUT something shifted... all of a sudden there was a new rule in therapy... I was not allows to talk about anyone else even in how they related to me. This made things tricky at best. Then one session she birthed out that she couldn’t control what I said about her and I could ruin her whole career. The next session she again briefly brought up me bad mouthing her. The following session she said I didn’t want to do the work, I was lazy and she wasn’t going to do this for me if I wouldn’t do my part. I asked what my part was and what I was doing wrong or not doing. I didn’t get an answer. Then she had a health issue and was cutting back the hours she was working. I used that as an out to leave although I care and would like to know how her health is. Anyway, current T knows her, not well, but does know her. He was shocked when I said it didn’t work between us, he has a lot of respect for her.

So, I never had a chance to talk with her to find out her side but that was my experience.

In my opinion if traveling the 20-30 miles is a feasible option I would do that. I think the potential for disaster where you are is to great. I travel about 45 highway miles each week for therapy for privacy reasons and because I have agoodT. The travel ban be a pain especially in inclement weather but it is so worth it.

This is a really difficult dilemma! Sorry that you are in this position OP.

Could you meet with the potential T and describe the dilemma without going into too many details? Something along the lines of ‘I need to talk about this abuse in my therapy, but I’m worried that it could cause problems because in this small community there’s a chance you might know my abuser’, and see what they say about how they might deal with this scenario?

I think it would be very complicated and put a lot of pressure on you to try to do therapy without giving away any details, because this sounds like a really big thing that you would want to be able to speak about with your T.

I hope that you find a good solution.

I think they may see it as a conflict of interest, especially if they are still in contact with this person. Even though she has moved out of state, you can't know what sort of relationship she had with her colleagues. Even of they're just Facebook friends with her, it would technically be a conflict of interest. Depending on the therapist, they could feel compelled to terminate over this.

Could you look for someone who offers therapy remotely if you don't want to drive 20 - 30 miles to appointments?

ETA - The vast majority of the posters here are clients, not therapists. The ones who are therapists post on this site about their experiences as clients, not as therapists. I've never seen any of them give the sort of feedback you're requesting - giving advice from the viewpoint as a therapist.

I am not a therapist but I’ve lived in a small town. I didn’t know much of anything about ethics or boundaries in therapy and I was drawn into a therapeutic situation that began seemingly ok but became out of control. The abuser was my psychiatrist.

Because of that, I desperately sought counseling from someone outside of his referral group and outside his sphere of influence. I needed to figure out if this was just how therapy was done in this state, whether he was a good guy who, maybe, made a mistake, and how far out of bounds had the relationship gone?

I found a helpful psychologist who practiced in a town one and a half hours away, one way. Even so, I was scared to reveal his name. I was afraid matters would be taken out of my hands. I was terrified. I didn’t know what might happen if I revealed his name. Eventually, I accidentally said his name during therapy.

He was powerful enough to have my driver’s license revoked so I couldn’t see my new therapist- he lied to the DMV and reported I had seizures. He tried other tactics to intimidate me. It’s lucky that I found a therapist as far away from him as I did.

My opinion is you need to find a new T out of your partner’s sphere of influence. You need someone totally objective. Her colleagues might be ethical objective therapists, but what if their opinion is clouded because of their relationship with her? How would you know?

For instance, hypothetically, what if you mentioned your partner did something that legally affected that medical group? They could circle the wagons trying to protect themselves and they wouldn’t have your best interest at heart...and how would know?

I commute to work 30 miles one way every day. I don’t see an issue driving to see a therapist. It’s not that far. Yes I’d drive.

I wonder why you are obligated to name an abuser. My therapist never demands I name anyone at all. Why is it even an issue

I agree. You need a therapist who is a clean slate, no baggage to your ex. It's a pain to drive 30 minutes but the peace of mind is priceless.

Thank so much everyone for the answers!

I think I will try looking outside my small town for therapy. I think it will be worth it to find the right therapist, and there is too much potential for conflict at this practice. A part of me wants to tell them everything she did, but I'm in too vulnerable a state for that and she could definitely retaliate.

I don't think it is a good idea to go to that clinic for therapy. I agree with the poster above that it could be a conflict of interest. Either way, it sounds like a highly disastrous situation. You would probably have a hard time focusing on therapy.

If you don't want to drive that far, is public transit possible? Then you don't have to worry about the wear and tear on your car, and it would be cheaper in the long run too.

Maybe it's not about obligation to disclose the abuser's name, but the freedom and healing which comes with naming the perpetrator. My abuser is a high profile figure in my area and for a very long time, I did not use his name in therapy. However, I became aware of how important "telling the secret" is for me, including having him being fully identifiable. It's a big issue for some of us.

I would let people know about this therapist reputation is such as how the therapist in a relationship target their victims. If the therapist is honest they will help you and hopefully keep in eye out who knows what happened in session. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.