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Default Dec 17, 2019 at 05:12 PM
  #1
I’ve been seeing this particular therapist for a year and a half, and he’s had other vacation times before, including during major transition times for me, and I’ve never had an issue with his vacations at all... until now. I’ve also had many past therapists and was never at all phased by their vacations. Didn’t give it a second thought.

I’ve read other threads about people who are attached to their therapist. I’ve read about people who tend to have boundary issues, especially people with PD’s or anxious attachment.

That’s not me. I don’t have a PD (therapist is adamant that it’s C-PTSD and not a PD). My attachment style trends more avoidant, or mixed...?? I know it’s not “secure,” but normally I’m not anxious or “needy.” I don’t normally crave contact or text/email T or anyone else a lot, or any other behaviors that seem more par for the course with therapist attachment.

I’ve read about transference, erotic and otherwise. I have experienced some of that, but that doesn’t really feel like what I’m going through right now. I don’t “want” my therapist sexually. I don’t want to merge my life with his. I’m just irrationally, inexplicably panicked about his two week vacation.

He thinks this is a sign that I’ve allowed myself to develop a meaningful attachment to him, and that that’s a good thing. We’ve been doing intensive therapy for many hours/week in lieu of an inpatient or day program, and this is an interruption of that intense schedule so I guess it makes sense why this would feel so jarring.

But still, why do I feel this way? I’m finding it SO difficult to deal with. It seems unhealthy and I’ve even been questioning whether it’s ethical practice for him to do this intensive of therapy with me, because of the attachment that has resulted.

I feel like a jerk for writing that, but then I’ve read online that some therapists are very strict about 1-2 hours per week at most. We’ve talked for up to 10 hours per week for the past six weeks. Not to mention the fact that I can’t sustainably afford this - but also, how can this not be too much?

Also, he says I can email or text him when he’s on vacation and that we can even have a session by phone if I need. What is that about...? It seems inappropriate to me and I feel like if I’m THAT distressed, it’s a sign that I should consider inpatient. He’s on vacation and entitled to that time with his family, without me hassling him. I feel bad even entertaining the thought that I would invade his private time in that way.

Throughout our time working together I’ve only emailed a few times between sessions, with content to discuss at the next session, and I texted once on a weekend when I was considering inpatient due to a panic attack. Felt terrible for bothering him about that.

Today he told me he has patients who are this level of anxious almost all the time, and with whom he communicates on many days by text or email, although it may be brief. I’m glad this is not me, all the time. But I also kind of wondered if that behavior is even helpful to those patients. Doesn’t it just foster dependence? Don’t we NEED boundaries? Is he perhaps getting his own caretaking needs met this way?

Anyway, I just need to get this out. If someone else out there is struggling with your therapist’s vacation and feels silly over that... you’re not alone, and I’d love to hear from you.
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Default Dec 17, 2019 at 10:30 PM
  #2
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I agree it seems a bit much. I am extremely attached to my T and would find 10hrs/wk a bit much. Granted, my 1hr/wk seems too short even with 1-2 emails in between but 10? Yes, I would be concerned, especially if they are saying this is common with their clients.

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Default Dec 17, 2019 at 11:25 PM
  #3
I think you can get dependent on therapy by the shear number of contact hours you have with your therapist. Two hours a day for weeks is essentially an intensive outpatient program. Your therapist was right to offer you email and phone session time while he was away. You can't set up what is essentially intensive treatment program with someone and then just leave them to their own devices. That's irresponsible. Your feelings are normal and your therapist knew you might feel this way. Hence he offered you time while he was away. I'd advise an intensive outpatient program that's structured and has goals rather than using your therapist as a substitute. The route you are on is fraught with boundary dangers.
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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 02:44 AM
  #4
In my opinion you need as much support as you need. I have heard of someone else also doing this amount before as a replacement for being inpatient.

I also wouldn't think offering you contact whilst he was away as unusual given your current agreed schedule.

My T does allow contact whilst he's away and has offered and done a full session during his longer 4 week break.

I think just like a child we have to become dependent to learn how to become independent.

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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 05:46 AM
  #5
Getting attached to someone with whom you're doing meaningful and life changing healing work is completely natural. I would agree with your T that it's a sign you're allowing yourself to feel something towards him and knowing it will be hard not seeing him for that length of time. Those of us with childhood issues tend to grow up feeling it's wrong or a weakness to get attached to someone but it isn't - it's something that we all need. As we allow those feelings they will become less intense over time. But usually it's essential to develop an attachment in order for the feelings to be heard and the healing to begin.

With all that in mind, it is great that your T is allowing contact over the break. Use it. As others have said, for him to not do so would be irresponsible under the circumstances,

Yes I always struggle when T is away, but less than I did with previous ts as I've got stronger. My T allows texts over her break and has offered a phone call in the middle of her holiday too. Knowing I've got that contact makes it easier to bear and helps me to know she hasn't disappeared from my life even though I cant physically see her for a bit.
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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 07:24 AM
  #6
I see my T twice a week (for 50-55 minutes each time) and struggle quite a bit when he is away. He allows email contact when he's out of town/on vacation, though will generally only respond in the mornings. It's his way of setting a boundary for himself, of not checking/replying to email all day long, but still being accessible to clients. I don't think it's that uncommon or wrong for a T to allow contact when they're away--it's up to them to set their own boundaries. He wouldn't offer it if it he wasn't willing to do it--so take him at his word on that. And an email exchange from him or even a phone call is not at the same level as inpatient--it could just help you get through the week.
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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 01:55 PM
  #7
Thank you all very much for your input! Some differing views here - it sounds like the consensus is that him offering contact during his vacation is reasonable and that I shouldn’t hesitate to use it. I’ll bear this is mind.

Some differing opinions on whether this is “too much therapy” or not. I go back and forth on this. Life/finances will force me to cut back soon anyway, unless I want to bleed myself dry (a minor fear, but one that is still there).

Again, thank you, it’s SO helpful to have people out there hearing me about this and responding!
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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 03:07 PM
  #8
I'm not going to disagree with the people who are saying it is ok to utilize your therapist in the way you've described, but I do want to affirm that your concern that his availability is less about what is in your and his other clients' best interests and more about his own needs is valid. To some extent, anybody who finds their job fulfilling is getting their needs met by it, so it's unrealistic to expect therapists to get no needs met. However, they aren't supposed to be guided by their needs but by the client's needs, and that doesn't always happen. Sometimes what the client wants happens to be something that makes the therapist feel good to give, and they confuse the good feelings they have about providing for the want with it being the "right" thing to do (in this case, I mean helpful to the client).

I'm not trying to reinforce your anxiety and I'm not making any universal pronouncements that a lot of contact is going to cause dependence or have other dire results - or that therapists who provide this are always doing so for their own benefit. However, I do think most therapists tend to want to feel needed and like they are helping, and though they might not realize or admit it, this makes them feel powerful, as well as the attachment and adulation many clients exhibit. It's probably a bit intoxicating and it's not really surprising then that therapist behavior often reinforces client behaviors that feed into this dynamic. Honestly, I have to wonder what is missing from a therapist's life if they are not only open to but encourage a lot of communication from clients during their personal time.

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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 03:15 PM
  #9
I guess I'm wondering why you are seeing the therapist so often instead of doing an intensive outpatient program. Is something like that not available for you?
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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 07:15 PM
  #10
@susannah - thank you for your thoughts and validation, and yes, I do think that he (and other therapists) use their jobs to get needs met; probably him more than other t’s I’ve had in the past.

I doubt he has any conscious awareness of this at all. In his mind, he is being super attentive towards me, so that I develop an attachment to someone who will be there consistently. But it can feel OTT. For example..

My travel plans changed in the past 24 hours, and I emailed to let him know that I’d be traveling on Thursday instead of Wednesday, so no time for a phone appointment Thursday and no need to speak again before his vacation starts, I’m doing better than expected etc etc.

After sending that email, I slept in late because I’d been up most of the night... by the time I woke up six hours later, he had sent me two emails and left me a skype message about whether I’d like to speak today instead.

The first asked “Are you able to speak with me today at 10am?” Not “if you do want to speak, I have such and such time available.”

The second email, just before 10am, said, “I’m just out of a meeting and traveling back to the office, can I call you as soon as I get there?” - so, he was running late, and wouldn’t have been able to make the 10am time proposed in the first email. BUT I hadn’t even answered the first email or agreed to speak; I was still asleep through all of this.

If I was actively suicidal or some such, I could understand this level of attentiveness more, but I’m not. My email said that I was doing relatively ok, and that I didn’t anticipate needing to speak before his vacation. Plus, I have a psych appointment Friday (with his colleague) so it’s not as though I’m just out in the cold over here.

It feels like he needs to trust me a bit more to let him know if I’m NOT fine.

So I ended up speaking to him, and I voiced some of my concerns about too much therapy, how I don’t want to become dependent, etc. He talked about having “given me a safe space to fall apart,” in recent months, but also said that he heard my concerns and didn’t want me to feel as though I was being infantilized.

I read something somewhere about how with therapists, it’s like “You (the client) have a problem if I say you have a problem. I (the therapist) have a problem if I say I have a problem.” If the client points out a problem, it’s immediately assumed to be “transference.”
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Default Dec 18, 2019 at 07:19 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I guess I'm wondering why you are seeing the therapist so often instead of doing an intensive outpatient program. Is something like that not available for you?
Two reasons: one is because my therapist specializes in trauma and C-PTSD, and there are a few outpatient programs like that but none near me. Second is that I’m traveling frequently between two locations and so we’re able to have continuity via skype this way. When I’m in his location we do EMDR and more intensive stuff, but when I’m in the other location we still talk quite a lot on skype and still seem to be making some progress.
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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 10:42 AM
  #12
Yikes, OP, that additional information is honestly alarming. I don't think his behavior is at all appropriate, regardless of his intentions. It sounds like he is projecting his need for contact onto you, which is not ok at all. He is being extremely intrusive and almost harassing you into outside contact that you did not seek. He seems so desperate. I kind of wonder if your avoidant attachment style has triggered his own anxious attachment style and he's acting that out at you. His behavior just sounds so crazy and it's definitely not normal.

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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 12:57 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by Blueberry21 View Post
Two reasons: one is because my therapist specializes in trauma and C-PTSD, and there are a few outpatient programs like that but none near me. Second is that I’m traveling frequently between two locations and so we’re able to have continuity via skype this way. When I’m in his location we do EMDR and more intensive stuff, but when I’m in the other location we still talk quite a lot on skype and still seem to be making some progress.
Where is your therapist based London UK or USA? Are you from U.K. or U.SA.Just wondering because my therapist is based in UK as am I and I have the same concerns as you

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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 01:46 PM
  #14
Blueberry, there is absolutely nothing unusual about feeling anxious when your T is away. My own T is taking next week off (so is my pdoc - I see her about every 10 days). I'm feeling butterflies because today is the last time I'll see my T for 11 days. I mean, I feel extremely anxious.


Be kind to yourself...it's no fun, but the way you feel is totally normal.

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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 06:49 PM
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When they're on vacation therapists usually check in with office staff to find out how things are, in general. If there's a client who is having a genuinely hard time the T will contact the client. Definitely not something most therapists advertise, but people are individuals...maybe your T has a specific reason for having contact with you during his vacation.

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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 07:39 PM
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How would the office staff know how things are when the therapist isn't there? I certainly haven't called up to let the therapist's receptionist know how things are with me. And I'm having a **** time.

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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by treloarbabe View Post
Where is your therapist based London UK or USA? Are you from U.K. or U.SA.Just wondering because my therapist is based in UK as am I and I have the same concerns as you

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Therapist is based in London - I am American but going between London and the US at the minute, as I have family in both places. What if we happened to have the same therapist... maybe I’ve seen you in the waiting room!! (Probably not, but funny thought!).

On a related note - prior to this therapist, I’ve only ever had therapy in the US, where it’s extremely regulated and there are such strict licensing requirements, as well as a litigious climate that I think means that therapists are often extremely cautious and boundaried. I know from my research that there isn’t licensing for therapists in the UK, in the same way as exists in the US, so the threat of getting one’s license revoked doesn’t exist. There are professional associations in the UK though (as in the US) and therapists can get kicked out of their association, so that’s some form of regulation. Nonetheless, I wonder if the lack of formal licensing lends itself to “looser” styles of therapy in the UK than would be likely to happen in the US...???

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Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Yikes, OP, that additional information is honestly alarming. I don't think his behavior is at all appropriate, regardless of his intentions. It sounds like he is projecting his need for contact onto you, which is not ok at all. He is being extremely intrusive and almost harassing you into outside contact that you did not seek. He seems so desperate. I kind of wonder if your avoidant attachment style has triggered his own anxious attachment style and he's acting that out at you. His behavior just sounds so crazy and it's definitely not normal.
Susannah, thank you for validating my feelings that it’s weird behavior. It feels needy and turns me off, but then I think maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m just being paranoid and avoidant.

Lately my paranoia has ratcheted up a notch as well, like “what if he’s (intentionally or not) making me emotionally dependent on the therapy as a means of keeping me on this intensive schedule, to make money?”
He’s VERY expensive (granted, it’s London, so cost of living and private practice is super high).

He knows I can afford it - for now - but my money is not unlimited and I’m not working currently. I don’t know what to do in order to work this out whether it’s “him” or “me.” I see pdoc tomorrow and might let him know some of my concerns, but pdoc is the one who referred me so I don’t know if he’ll be receptive to this feedback...
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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
When they're on vacation therapists usually check in with office staff to find out how things are, in general. If there's a client who is having a genuinely hard time the T will contact the client. Definitely not something most therapists advertise, but people are individuals...maybe your T has a specific reason for having contact with you during his vacation.

I agree with Susannah that this isn't common practice. My T doesn't have office staff (solo practice), so it wouldn't happen there, but ex-T and ex-MC *did* have office staff, but I never checked in with them when I was struggling (would sometimes contact one of them directly).


It's more typical for a T to wait for a client to reach out to them if they're struggling. Unless something was set up for the T to have a check-in with the client. The T pushing for you to have a phone conversation when you said you didn't need one (and then calling a second time) strikes me as odd and rather pushy.
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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 10:23 PM
  #19
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Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
How would the office staff know how things are when the therapist isn't there? I certainly haven't called up to let the therapist's receptionist know how things are with me. And I'm having a **** time.
I guess this is when you’re meant to call the office if in crisis so they can refer you to whomever is “covering” for emergencies during that vacation period? I think my old therapy practice did this, though I never used that service so didn’t pay much attention. In my situation now, T has private practice so this isn’t an option.

Susannah, I’m similar to you, I’ve never been inclined to phone in to the office when a T is away. Although I can certainly understand why someone would, if in crisis but not quite inpatient-level crisis.
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Frown Dec 20, 2019 at 01:59 PM
  #20
Update: I spoke to pdoc about all of this today and am seeing him again on Monday. T’s behavior is not normal.

I was told I did the right thing for flagging it. I feel ill.
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