Couch 210: The Abundant Couch

Speaking of baking, one of my dear friends made this incredible cake for my birthday a while back. She's some kind of cake savant. There's actually edible gold on that thing!

That's (almost) too beautiful to eat!

Oh, if only. Wouldn't that be delightful?

I'm taking a writing course this semester on writing coming-of-age stories. (Not my favorite genre, because lots of navel-gazing, but I'm working on a couple of things that might be considered coming-of-age stories.)

First writing assignment: identify 8-10 moments of extreme emotion from your youth or adolescent years.

I've got 3 (shame, grief, sense of lostness if that is an emotion). And there I'm stuck.

I mean, it's like therapy. Info would probably love this assignment.

I'd imagine they're looking for 8-10 moments, not 8-10 emotions. So you could use, say, 8 examples of shame if you wanted.

And that does sound like an assignment a therapist would love. Assuming it's not, like, 10 moments of sheer joy.

Yeah, therapists seem incapable of believing anyone could have had even a few moments of happiness in a childhood.

I knew she meant moments, but the thing is I can't think of, like, any other moment of shame besides that one. I think I may be getting hung up on the term "extreme."

Well, at least I'll have something to have a nice chinwag with Info about on Wednesday.

Extreme fear? Extreme embarrassment? (I think of that a bit differently from shame.) Extreme anger?

I keep thinking about a recurring one recently. My parents would leave me home alone, like friday or saturday nights, when the weather was nice, so i didnt want to close the back door, the breeze through the house was too glorious. I would have been in like middle school to high school? Anyway, as it got cooler as the sun went down, i would have to go close the back door, but i was terrified that burglars or somebody were waiting for me.

So, terrified. And i did it again the next weekend, for years. I could never hit that sweet spot between too cold and too dark. Not sure now why it seemed so unfixable then.

Eta - i wanna do this!!!

Oooh, extreme embarrassment, I got one of those (from age 3). Thanks LT!

(Yes, I think it's different from shame.)

Hey una...can I steal?

Oh my goodness, that is beautiful! How lovely!

Amelia did well at the vets. She is 10 pounds (she feels heavier, but I think because Esther has lost so much weight from the diabetes). Picking up Esther is like picking up a feather. Picking up Amelia is like picking up a brick. Everything came back well on her labs and she is now micro-chipped. I never worried about chipping Esther because even though they are indoor/outdoor (they go out through the doggy doors), Esther always stayed in the backyard. We have a six foot block wall around our house. Well, a few times recently, we have caught Amelia walking along on top of the brick wall, so I'm afraid she is going to go over the wall and then not be able to get back. I really didn't want her to be inside/outside, but she learned from the other pets how to use the doggy doors--although it took her awhile. The vet said she was really well behaved (I was like, we are talking about Amelia right?) and that she is doing really well. So, yeah! I feel like I should get cat mom gold star or something! HUGS Kit

So, I've had a really rough week last week. I was actually calm for about two days (Monday and Tuesday) and then depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thinking, and the desire to self harm hit me really hard. I took Friday off of work because I just couldn't cope. On Saturday my parents asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital. I declined, mostly because even though I was suicidal, I knew I wasn't going to attempt so it is pointless going to the hospital, and there is nothing they can do. I did contact my three people that Pastor T asked me to set up and they all responded to me. I got through the weekend without SH-ing but I also was feeling sick physically. Stomach issues, sore throat, migraine etc. It was like everything was hitting me at one time. I was trying to do what Pastor T said to do but it was really hard. I called a friend a couple of times and visited her on Sunday. I went to the movies with my parents. But mostly I stayed in. I laid in bed a lot. I was trying to block out the dark thoughts that were threatening to destroy me. I had to go get blood work done this morning before work (and that's always a bit stressful because of scars on my arms, and in this case, wounds that are still healing from 15 days ago). I was feeling super anxious so I took some anti-anxiety medication. Work is pretty chill at the moment, so that's kind of good. I see Pastor T tonight. I hope I can express to him the distress I was/am maybe still in. I'm not sure he *gets* it. I see regular T on Saturday. HUGS to anyone who wants one, Kit

Kit - can you print off or copy out the message you've posted here, and hand it to Pastor T?

I know he hasn't had the greatest track record with your SH, but he needs to know.

HUGS

I talked to my T again today about the issue of touch. He says that he doesn't touch any of his patients, with the exception that he shakes the hand of a few long-time patients with whom he started the hand-shaking-at-the-end-of-session tradition before he decided that any kind of touch was verboten.

That actually makes me feel a lot better. That means it's about him and how he understands the therapeutic frame rather than about me and how gross/sick I am.

Maybe? I only do phone calls if I am feeling really bad, and they are only 10 minutes or so. She does let me e-mail, so I can probably use that, but man its not the same. Tomorrow is supposed to be my session day, but it is a week we skip. This is only the first and it is very difficult. Sigh.

I'm so sorry you are going through so much.

The kittens are rampaging around the living room.

Crotchety old cat is watching scornfully, despising them and their kittenish ways, but I caught him napping with little black-and-white kitty stretched out alongside earlier so I know it's a pretense.

Tomorrow is trigger date number 2. So, I woke up nauseous today. What the heck, body?

Also, I do not have the option of resting today. Does anybody have any tips on dealing with nausea?

My mother would recommend Ginger. Pharmacy advice was to eat toast, rice. & to suck boiled sweets.

For me might sound odd but before every exam I usually buy a bottle of pepsi/coke from the vending machine. The only time I ever drink the stuff.

Ginger ale or ginger candy. Deep breathing and trying to calm your nervous system as much as possible. Drinking very, very cold water throughout the day. Trying never to be too hungry or too full. And eating moderate amounts of whatever food feels to good to you until the nauseated feeling passes, which it will no matter how much it seems right now like it won't.