Being terminated

Last January I was terminated by T1. This January I was terminated by T2. It makes me think what on earth is wrong with me that this keeps happening?

T1 I saw for a year and a half. She felt I wasn’t progressing and basically dropped me pretty quickly. I struggled a lot with this so found another therapist pretty quickly, T2. T2 thought that it was unfair that I was terminated and that T1 didn’t do enough to help me. She recommended I report T1 but I never did, I never felt the need.

Me and T2 have been having problems for a while and she always threatens to terminate me but then we resolve it and move on, only this time she said there’s no going back.

To start with she was really caring towards me and was quite maternal which having never had that, I latched onto (she knew all about my history). She bought me loads of stuff, made me food, hung out with me outside of sessions, watched films with me, came to my house and decorated my bedroom, held me while we napped together in her bed, told me we were friends, wrote down I love you on lots of stuff and gave them to me as transitional objects, laid with me on her bed while she read to me, videoed herself singing a lullaby to me and sent it to me, told me to text her no matter what time it was even if it was 2am, she sent her husband to pick me up from hospital after an operation, she let me borrow her car for a weekend, painted me a picture that she said represented me and her - it was of a mother rabbit holding a baby rabbit and it said “I love you to the moon and back” Love (therapist’s name) and the list goes on and on. It stirred up this crazy transference within me which I did tell her about but I don’t think she quite understood. Wouldn’t these actions have created transference in most people? Was I wrong for getting so attached? She seems to think so.

Then a few months ago something happened to her daughter (which she told me all the details of) and since then she was a changed person. She was a really bubbly, funny person and after what happened with her daughter, her humour went and she became serious and really sad all the time. She went from giving me everything I craved as a child to giving me nothing and I really struggled with it. Social Services got involved and now her parenting is being looked at, all of which she freely told me and sent me all of the Social Services reports by email.



She recently decided I have BPD (nobody has ever mentioned it and I haven’t been diagnosed with it, she isn’t qualified to diagnose). From reading the symptoms it’s possible I do have it but she said if I didn’t accept that I had it then she would terminate me, so I accepted what she was saying. Every little thing I try to talk to her about she says is because of my BPD.

She has supervision every month and she told me that she lies to her supervisor about my behaviour towards her, because her supervisor would tell her to terminate with me. And that she hides my behaviour from her family so they don’t judge me - but why is she telling her family my problems anyway? I just want to point out, I’ve never even raised my voice towards her. By “my behaviour” she means that I’m honest and tell her if something she does triggers me. I don’t think she tells her supervisor how she behaves though or what she’s done with me in the name of therapy. When she gets angry with me she shouts and swears at me, though not in a threatening way. She says she’s sick of me and annoyed with me etc.

So now she’s terminating with me because I “can’t keep her human” and “can’t keep her static”. Wouldn’t anyone struggle if they were suddenly given everything they’d ever wanted and then it was all suddenly taken away? I couldn’t talk to her about anything. As soon as I said something she didn’t like or disagreed with she’d threaten to terminate me. She said that she has every right to change how she acts towards me and I have to accept that because she’s human which makes me think yeah she’s in the right. She offered me a final session for closure but I declined as I feel I would find it too difficult to say goodbye.

It must be me in the wrong surely to get terminated twice in a year? Is this ethical behaviour from a therapist? I’m really struggling to cope. Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to get through this? I absolutely will not do therapy again, I couldn’t take this happening for a third time. Thanks for reading if you managed to get this far. Any help would be appreciated. I’m really questioning myself over this, it must be me that’s the problem? I’m absolutely devastated that things have turned out this way and I don’t know how to cope when I was so close to her. I’m going to miss her so much. She said we were friends but in her last email to me she said she could no longer be my friend because I can’t accept that she’s human. Has anyone had a similar situation to this before?

Hi ktcharmed. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are feeling sad at having therapist terminated.

I am not from UK so none of this is a criticism of therapy in the UK but just makes some points about how therapy is different in US

Therapists do not make contact outside of therapy sessions except by phone or email and only about therapy issues.

Therapists do not go to client's house.

Therapists do not nap together with clients.

Therapists do not do things that cause the client to become dependent on them by nurturing them outside the therapy office.

If your therapist is doing all this, then having them terminate you might be a blessing in disguise. None of the things you mentioned T2 did would be considered to be professionally acceptable in the US. In fact, in the US if a therapist made that kind of outside contact, they would certainly lose their job.

Overall what you describe is a unprofessional behavior. I am not sure if you care to take the time and trouble to report them, but what you describe is not what is considered to be professionally acceptable therapy in the US. It sounds more like what a caregiver would do, but even beyond those professional bounds.

If I had a therapist like that I would run away and demand a professional relationship with a therapist that has no outside contact and no manipulation and sharing their personal struggles.

@CANDC

I don't want to sound too harsh, but that doesn't sound anything like therapy. Almost every behavior you mentioned sounds grossly unethical. You napped together? This person should not be allowed to practice.

This is not your fault at all. This is completely on this "therapist". Wow. I know you say you don't want to try therapy again, but maybe you need to experience actual therapy with someone who is ethical to see how wrong what she was doing actually is and to start healing from this relationship.

Oh my goodness. None of what this woman did with you was "therapy". This was not therapy. This was some psychologically ill person with perhaps, some counselling or psychology degree under her belt playing out her own emotional games with another human being, you. This was not therapy.
I can only imagine how much emotional turmoil you are feeling right now, but this is a good thing that she has terminated herself as your therapist. Because she NEEDS to step back from the therapy profession and sort her effing life out.
I do hope you can find a real therapist. If you do, please look for someone who has strong therapeutic boundaries . - such as no contact outside of the therapy room - even if you believe that is something you need. Therapy does NOT involve any of those things your previous T did. That was NOT therapy. That was emotional manipulation and abuse of power on the part of your "therapist". Real therapy may be able to help you.
Look after yourself.

Thanks for all your input so far, it’s helpful. I’m questioning myself a lot because she hasn’t done this with any other client. She said she “loves and likes me a great deal” so could see beyond my behaviour so she was willing to fight for me. All she did was make me dependent on her rather than allowing me to become independent. I don’t get why she did this to me and no-one else, she’s been a therapist for years. She told me from a few months in that she was working in a completely different way with me than she ever had done in the past. She felt I needed different things because I’ve been so let down by my own family to the point where now they’re not in my life. I think she sees a lot of herself in me, we have similar backgrounds. I wonder if that’s where the problems lie? She was definitely turning me into her mini me but when I resisted she threatened to terminate and then eventually did.

The therapist I had my worst experience with also said she interacted with me in ways she hadn’t with other clients. I think it’s a sign the therapist has for whatever reason become emotionally enmeshed with a client and really isn’t acting as a therapist should anymore.

I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m also afraid it’s going to hurt for a while. Hang in there.

Hi KT Charmed, just thought i would add to what CANDC wrote, I’m in therapy in the U.K. and although I am not a therapist I’ve done some research about it as I wanted to understand about therapy - everything CANDC said is true in the U.K. as well, therapists are NOT supposed to behave like this at all. It’s against every guideline, and for very good reasons.
It’s very unfortunate for you that this T2 started behaving in this way, after you had already been terminated by T1. Unfortunately all you have written demonstrates why therapists should not behave like this. As you have said, it would totally mess with anyone to have somebody behave in this way and then suddenly withdraw their attentions. And for her to be sending you pictures of her SH, emails from social services about her daughter - it is totally totally messed up, and of course there is no way that you or anyone could be fine with this.
This therapist has really messed up big time and broken every professional boundary, which is there to protect you because therapists should be acting professionally and in the interests of their clients and this one definitely has not.
I know it will be very hard but I think it really is best. It to see this T any more. Can you tell someone in real life what has been happening so that you can have some IRL people to support you with this?
Eventually you may want to report this therapist to the Healthcare Professionals Council.

Do you know which registering body she is associated with? BACP is the most common and they have a helpline /email called Ask Kathleen. I have contacted them previously about my therapist's behaviour (which whilst it can be unusual and boundary pushing is not a match for the blatant exploitative experiences you describe here) and they were helpful.

What to do if you have concerns about your therapy

It sounds as if your therapist is unwell and you have been a casualty of that. This is her responsibility, not yours. As an outsider, I am pleased she has terminated your therapy because it was not safe for you to work with her. This is your chance to consider your options around reporting her abuse and beginning work with someone compassionate and safe.

I live in the UK and I am absolutely horrified by the behaviour of this person claiming to be a therapist - it has no bearing whatsoever on what therapy is like in the UK! I'm so sorry you experienced this, but the person you knew was NOT a therapist in any true sense of the word. In fact she sounds incredibly messed up and she abused you over and over emotionally. I wouldn't be surprised if you were left feeling traumatised by the subsequent termination after experiencing such unethical behaviour. I understand that you feel put off therapy but please know that any registered therapist would not have treated you like that. Some therapists offer contact outside sessions, some don't, but no ethical therapist would come to your house, nap with you, give you food, send you photos of their SH or anything like that. Therapy is about your healing work but it sounds like this person needed you in grossly harmful way. I'm so sorry.

If you feel able to consider finding a therapist, please look on the BACP website (google it) for details of professionally trained therapists and make sure anyone you see is either BACP or UKCP registered - they can give you their membership number on request. This ensures they have been trained to an adequate level and have regular supervision. I highly doubt the person you saw was having any supervision whatsoever but this is a legal requirement here.

I'm so sorry again. There are proper therapists out there who would never exploit you this way.

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you have experienced this , it is completely unethical how your therapist has behaved and it's absolutely not your fault. There are many people here who have experienced harmful or abusive therapy and are understanding and supportive , so please continue to post to help you process this , even if just a little.

What a horrid story! I hope at some future date you will consider reporting this therapist. She needs to lose her license to practice. She seems incredibly unstable and shouldn't be working with clients at all. So sorry you were victimized by her.

She’s BACP registered and does have supervision regularly. I know the name of her supervisor but she did say she’d been lying to her so I’m not sure how much she’s told her. Both of them have pages on the BACP website, I’ve checked. Apparently she’s quite ‘out there’ too and has similar methods to my ex therapist. I’ve had 2 therapists from BACP and both of them have had improper boundaries. It puts me off a little from choosing someone else registered with them.

In that case, if you felt able, a complaint to BACP would be a course of action you could consider because she violated all their safeguarding ethics and guidelines. No one should be allowed to practice who can exploit a client in such a manner.

First and foremost this is absolutely NOT your fault. I am so so sorry you have had to go through this, you deserve so much better. All of her behaviour is breaking ethical guidelines and if you can find the strength to report her then you absolutely should as you have a massive case against her. Do you still have the emails and texts that you have exchanged? If so keep them as even if you don’t feel like you want to report now you may change your mind.
I’m UK based and it actually horrifies me that a BACP registered therapist is allowed to get away with this. Clearly her supervisor is also ethically challenged.
I can only imagine how hurt you must feel right now, but please remember this is not your fault. She took advantage of your vulnerability and treated you badly. It’s ok for you to feel upset and angry, you have every right to. You haven’t done anything wrong.
She is dangerous and should never be allowed to give therapy to anyone ever again.
Thinking of you.

What a horrible situation this therapist put you in. This is not your fault. You need to report her. I am do sorry this therapist took advantage of you. It's okay to feel angry and there are better therapists out there. Hugs

I'm so sorry you had this experience. This is definitely not therapy. So many boundaries were broken. It is the therapist's job to keep the boundaries, not the clients, but your therapist stomped all over the boundary lines. This in my opinion was definitely unethical. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this and the pain that accompanies this. However, I am also glad that she will no longer be able to behave in these ways towards you. I wish you healing. HUGS Kit

I really hate that you say this. I feel like you're blaming yourself when you say this. I feel like she was subtly "negging" you by saying this. You don't deserve this at all. This was not your fault. You deserve a competent ethical therapist.

@NP_Complete Thanks for this. Yeah you’re right, I am blaming myself. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. She always said she’d never kick me out of therapy so I wonder what changed? She did always blame me for any little rupture we had, she never admitted to doing anything wrong. Even now she thinks she’s done nothing wrong which concerns me. I wouldn’t be in the level of distress I’m in if she had done everything right and by the book.

I'd say most clients, when they first start therapy, don't really have a clue how therapy should go. I've only ever had one therapist, but I've read about it and have been on the forums here so I have a bit of an idea when something's not right. But not everyone has the interest to read about it or join forums. That's why it's the therapist's responsibility to maintain an ethical standard. It's all on them and not on us at all. I understand that in the UK all therapists have supervision, but it doesn't sound like supervision was even helping keep this therapist on track. Someone else suggested you contact Ask Kathleen. I think that if you talked over what this therapist was doing with a knowledgeable professional, it might help you believe more readily that this wasn't your fault.

Do you still have the notes, texts, videos, pics of SH that she sent you? If so, they would definitely help support a complaint if you ultimately decide to make one. Which it sounds like you would be very, very justified in doing.