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Lemoncake
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 10:22 AM
  #21
It's the "what are you doing with your life?" question and the supplementary "there's a 1000 things you could be doing right now but you're crying in a dark room." that gets to me the most.

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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 03:35 PM
  #22
Dear T,
I'm feeling this random wave of affection and love for you, and also longing. Not sure what that's all about.

Hope you're having a good weekend. I want to tell you about my discussion with P, but that can wait till Tuesday. Miss you.
Love,
LT
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 06:48 PM
  #23
Dear T,

I feel sort of flat since talking with you yesterday. Felt like SHing but didn’t because I had to host a party. Not exactly sure what we’ll discuss on Monday.

-c
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 08:27 PM
  #24
Dear T (again),

Yeah I really want to SH. It’s not at a level where I’m actually going to do it, I just really want to. Not sure why—I think I want to punish myself for wishing that you would hold me and this feels like a way to punish the yearning body as well as the mind.

Also I really don’t want to have to work in the ICU tomorrow. I effing hate it.

-c
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Default Jan 18, 2020 at 09:49 PM
  #25
Dear T: Thanks for so promptly agreeing to see me on my bday. But this whole situation REALLY sucks. Not to mention the high (to me) deductible. I have never had one, so didn't know the ramifications of it all. I probably won't go back to seeing you weekly at all this year, will I? I don't see how it is possible. I am so upset.
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Attention Jan 19, 2020 at 01:08 AM
  #26
next week it's only 'half' a session, since the paperwork will take up the other half. what's the point of evening bringing up anything 'real' if there's not much time?!? on that note, why bother talking at all
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 02:08 AM
  #27
L,
Are you mad at me? Are you going to leave me now? Part of me wants you to leave me. Then I don't have to keep to my promises. I'm really tired of life. Exhausted. And I'm so hurt by your limitations even though I understand them. And yes, it really makes me not trust you. I'm wondering if/when you're going to contact me back. You implied in the last email that I should wait for in session. I didn't miss that, I just chose to disregard it. I didn't want to sit with my feelings. Are you getting tired of me? Have I worn you down? Part of me thinks you're keeping up a charade. There's no way someone can be that nice. I'm waiting for your human side to appear. The one with flaws. I'm not looking to be punished. It's hard. I don't want to lose you, but I do. I want to cancel and I want you to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay.

PS - I really don't want to start school!

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Lemoncake
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 06:06 AM
  #28
Washing done and I started cleaning up this morning.

Next year hopefully will be my final year here and soon it will be time to clear out my tiny studio which has actually become my home. Because of the distance I know I won't be able to take everything back with me - so I'm trying to do it slowly in bits. (Could send it back in boxes but it will be ££).

I donated a full bag of clothing this morning. Letting go of some of the items were hard, but they didn't feel like me anymore. That I've changed in just a few years. I haven't been able to touch the sweaters my grandmother gave me. I haven't spoke about her at all, but feelings about her are seeping out now 5 months later.

Also donated to that charity because being in a suicidal crisis can be scary and not everyone can afford therapy.

A song for you:

YouTube

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 06:15 AM
  #29
'For so many years
We swam into the tide
And we would not abandon heroic and kind...'


Grief and Praise, by Glen Phillips.

Grief is praising the things you love and have lost, praise is grieving the things you love and will lose.


Four more sleeps.

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'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 07:05 AM
  #30
Should you be encouraging my newly found physical aggression? "You are not being aggressive, you are being purposeful!" You are the strangest champion of the unwelcome aspects of my personality.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 10:12 AM
  #31
I'm not sure that you've taken it the right way. I actually think that you believe what I was saying was that I'm in love with you and want you as a partner. I didn't mean that! I was saying it from a childlike place but as I went into talking about relationships etc it comes across that I was saying I want you in a romantic way. God. I just don't know how to deal with this. I can't tell you over a text it will sound ridiculous. Cue another week of waiting. I don't think either of us were on form at all during the session so that didn't help. At least one good thing is that if you HAVE taken it to mean that, it hasn't phased you. I do feel a strong attraction to you actually, but I certainly wasn't suggesting a relationship!!
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Lemoncake
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 03:24 PM
  #32
Now the tears have started and it's got nothing to do with you except that it does.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 04:01 PM
  #33
Absolutely crying my eyes out this evening over you and this therapy relationship...but thank you for your quick reply, it did help. I hope you feel much better soon as well. I worry about your health. I worry you will be taken away from me because it's too good to be true.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 05:41 PM
  #34
I don’t know if I can keep going. I really believe my husband would be better off if I was gone.
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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 06:06 PM
  #35
My new doctor didn’t mention my weight, ask me at all what my diet was like or if I was eating regularly and normally or anything else. So maybe you concerned about all these things is a you problem? No one else seems concerned.

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Default Jan 19, 2020 at 09:57 PM
  #36
I fear I will miss out on everything by going every other week. This is really not making me feel good AT ALL. I hate it.
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Attention Jan 20, 2020 at 05:52 AM
  #37
wrestling with what to say to you, and yet feeling like you won't actually/truly care anyways, no matter what is said or not said
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 01:31 PM
  #38
Dear Pastor T: I hope I can express the distress I experienced this week. I hope I can explain how low of a place I was in. My Mom asked me if she needed to take me to the hospital on Saturday. No one gets hard hard it is to live behind this mask, this mask that everything is okay, when everything is NOT okay. But, there's nothing you can really do about it, is there? Kit

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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 02:06 PM
  #39
I’m sorry you are feeling so badly, Kit.
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Default Jan 20, 2020 at 02:34 PM
  #40
Thanks @velcro003, that means a lot. HUGS Kit

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