Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

‘Somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh, why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh, why can't I?’

I expected a 25 minute session. And you gave the full session. The doorbell of the system was annoying. All that aside, it was productive. When we switched to phone some things changed, I hope. I was reminded of an experience that was before my addiction started. I'm starting to remember more. It's a little scary.
I just don't know how to tell you about a spiritual experience and the location. I mentioned the approximate time but didn't get into that area. I'm scared to bring it up. It's a sacred experience. It's when I felt I was being mailed onto a cross. It felt real. Meanwhile, my body was shaking and I had concerned people around me. I haven't told anyone that, that experience brought about a trauma within a couple of days.

I know I need to take care of myself, especially after so much was brought up. I did as I was instructed to take a med before sleep. I think it is working. I'm feeling sleepy.

I have so much to do and no time to do it in. I've barely started. And one is to record myself. I'm nervous and putting it off.

We did a lot today, and I wish I had another session in two days. I want to get to the bottom of this! As you said I have started to read the book of my life. Scary right?!

Dear T,
Thanks for being willing to answer the question about your professional life. I appreciate your being willing to talk about things from your perspective as a T, to sort of let me see behind the curtain. It helps me understand your reaction in August a bit more, even though we didn't specifically talk about that.


And I'm glad I didn't end up playing a song, because like I said, I wasn't sure what purpose it would serve (well, OK, I guess I wanted to feel more connected, but I feel we did that anyway). I like your comment of, when I said the songs I was considering were all really depressing, and I wasn't sure of my intent in playing them, "To make me feel more depressed?" As I imagine you're really struggling in this current situation, too. I know you said some clients aren't doing teletherapy, and I noticed that, if the invoice numbers are accurate, you only saw 2 clients between when you saw me Wed. at 1:30 and Thurs. at 12:30. I imagine normally it would be more like 5 (from what you've said). I hope you survive this ok financially. I imagine it's also difficult for you psychologically because you're used to meeting with people in person. And, of course, the "is everyone gonna die" thing that many people are dealing with...

Leave it to me to hope my psychologist is doing OK mentally, right?


May end up checking in this weekend even if I'm mostly doing OK, just to make sure you're not, like, on a ventilator or something. And also because I had four days in a row of "seeing" a T (one being P), so this 3-day stretch without one feels a bit long. So a brief email might help me through. But I'll see...will try to hold off.


Love you,
LT

I hate you for taking a holiday next week. A £ucking holiday? Where the hell are you going?? All inclusive package holiday to your spare bedroom? Luxury cruise to the study? Backpacking around the living room? You are such a selfish old trout. Do you realise how long the weeks feel at the moment? And that I am struggling with delusional thoughts because all of this contamination stuff breeds my paranoia? What am I saying, yes, you do realise because I told you and yet you are still taking the time off. I hope that stupid lavender plant of yours catches Covid. I hate you so hard.

I will now be getting my second injection before our session on Monday instead of after. I hope you ask me how I’m feeling from it.

I'm glad I emailed this morning instead of calling to check in, considering you said you're still sick. I sorta suspected that might be true so that's why I didn't want to call. I'm worried about you of course but trying to stay positive. Take care of you; you're important to me.

I didn't tell you this but I'm going to check in next Friday again...

I hate this virus!!!! I hate I hate that I cant see you for two weeks because of this.

Dear T,
Really kinda need you right now, but will "see" you Monday...even though it feels really far away. Trying to resist sending an email. I know you wouldn't read it till the morning so will just try to wait it out tonight.

Love you,

LT

T,
What if I have an I don't care attitude about future work. I know my goal but I can't seem to make connections with those in real life. This scares me. What if I won't be any good. Or am I just psyching myself out??????

T, we've never had contact over the weekend, and at times that's been difficult, but it's never felt so awful as right now! i miss you and i'm worried about you. hearing the PM announce our country's first COVID-19 death this morning shook me up, despite knowing it was likely we would lose some people. certainly underlines why we're all in lockdown.

hope the rambly email i sent makes some sense - thankfully it's Monday tomorrow so you'll reply (feeling fortunate to have that link to you on weekdays at least). please stay home and stay safe!

Dear T,

What an awesome time for my abusive sib to be his usual vague, passive aggressive self about contact with his boss who is now quarantined. Just when I need you after a whole bunch of awful triggers like that video call with that particular abuser. Seeing my parents talk so gleefully to her, being forced to talk with her, no wonder I'm triggered!

And online therapy is so not an option and I freaking wish I could have some basic privacy in this accursed household. I wish I could guarantee I won't be overheard or interrupted.

I really can't stand that sib. He's so bleeping irresponsible. Thank you for agreeing with me about that as well as the need to be safe as much as I'd like to see you.

The more I think about it the more I I think the email was a good thing. You always want me to be honest with you and I’m not always. In the email I was very honest. I just have a very hard time voicing my feelings aloud. In email I can tell you everything. I know we have talked about selective mutism before. That email is pretty much proof that I have it.

This whole 2 week thing hasnt even started yet, and Im dreading it. I cant even be honest with you right now?

i hope you're feeling better. I mean I know you're not my t anymore but you kind of are because even though we're not doing therapy anymore you'll always be t to me and besides i never stopped caring about you and this covid thing is scary as heck why did you of all people have to get sick?!

Why aren't you paying me maximum attention? Why haven't you replied to my email? I am the most entertaining thing you have in your life at the moment, you should nurture me. Ugh, you are the worst. You look like a toad.

Dear T,
Thanks for the wishes and confirming that you aren't currently hooked up to a ventilator. I feel like 50-ish minutes won't be nearly enough time to process all the stuff from the past couple days, but I hope it will help. I have this stupid fear that you'll now think I'm too dependent on you, but these are really unusual times, and, as you've said, many of my coping methods aren't available to me. (And my attempt at a walk 2 days ago only led me to feel more depressed...). When H asked what I wanted to spend our stimulus check on, I said "therapy." I wasn't kidding...I mean, H just was talking about donating it, like to some small businesses maybe, but you're a small business, and you help me, so, maybe some extra sessions = win-win?
Love you,
LT

LT that's what I want to spend part of our stimulus check on. h wants to invest it. i said let's just split whatever the amount is in half and each do our own thing with it.

I mean, you actually look like a toad. You have warts and a toady mouth and toad-bug eyes. Before you got old and grey, you were probably slimy and green.

That makes sense to me, to split it. And now is either a terrible time or a great time to invest, depending on how you look at it, I guess...

Hope L is OK!

Ribbit .