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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 02:32 AM
  #41
I don’t know if I should have told you my SI plan to make it look like an accident. Now if I do it, will you tell people it wasn’t an accident? If I ask you not to tell people that it could have been on purpose (if I ever do it), is that wrong of me to ask? I’m sorry for putting you in this situation.
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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 04:50 AM
  #42
'They say you learn a lot out there
How to scorch and burn
Gonna have to bury your friends
Then you'll find it gets worse...'

And It's Still Alright - Nathaniel Rateliff

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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 11:14 AM
  #43
Well I guess the ball is in your court today. We will either stick it out, you will terminate me or I will quit. Today will be nerve wracking that is for sure.
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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 12:59 PM
  #44
Dear Pastor T: I know you have this fear of sort of "pushing me over the edge" but you kept asking me if I was done last night. It sort of made me feel like you didn't want me there. I'll never tell you of course. Maybe I'm too much for you. Kit

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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 02:17 PM
  #45
T: today is the day we normally have session. This sucks so bad. I’m going to try journaling at our normal hour, to see if it helps at all. I don’t know. Skipping a week once in awhile is manageable, but EVERY week seems extremely daunting.
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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 02:42 PM
  #46
Dear T,

OK, you were definitely wiping away a few tears today. (And I'm pretty sure you realized I noticed, but I won't say anything.) It touched me. But maybe also scared me a little? Because of the connection, and you don't seem like a crier in general. But I think that's only happened when it's been something about D. It seems to be a soft spot for you. I have no idea if it's because your son is also on the spectrum and/or has other challenges or if maybe you just identify with me as a fellow parent struggling when their kid is sad or doesn't fit in. I suppose it doesn't really matter. But it means something to me. It makes it feel like you're relating to me not just as my T, but as a fellow parent. And I know you try to keep yourself out of it, but I think this is a place where letting some of yourself show--as a dad, not just as a T--can help me. Particularly because, as you said recently, I don't really seem to get that parent-to-parent empathy from my own parents...
Love you,
LT
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Default Jan 21, 2020 at 04:33 PM
  #47
Horrific evening. Thought of calling you. Didn’t. Will wait. I wonder what you would have said to me. You’re always so kind. I want your kindness. I want to feel safe. I need to leave. Will you help me?
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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 01:48 AM
  #48
so last week's session was pretty awful. seems to be our pattern, doesn't it. perhaps the first one of the year being SO great just set us up for disappointment. i really do want a better ratio this year, though. because the bad ones are a lot more difficult for me than they are for you. i guess it'll help if i speak up more in the moment - about how i'm feeling, what's coming up for me, what's being triggered - rather than trying to shift the focus onto you and all the ways you annoy me.

this is such hard work. even now, after all this time. i guess twenty years of abuse, no safe person and no safe place really did a number on me. at least i can call it abuse now - that's progress, right?!

see you tomorrow. i'll work on introspecting and talking; you work on trying not to annoy me too much

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Default Jan 22, 2020 at 08:30 PM
  #49
Sorry if that message I left you was kinda ******. I didn’t mean it if I came off that way. My doctors appointment just made me feel weird. Also sorry for going a long time without eating again and then just having Mountain Dew for dinner tonight.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 06:08 AM
  #50
Bet you don't even know anything is wrong.

5 years in private practice is long enough to learn how to use a calendar and take care of scheduling.

Hey really don't think you'll be there for me now.

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 12:44 PM
  #51
Huge desire to call you but what do I say. What I want to say is I can't do this anymore. Yet once after saying that to T as I always had she told me I always said that and we both new I always could continue on. Now I just dont know what to say. Plus no matter what I say, what are you really going to say or be able to do to help me?

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 03:27 PM
  #52
Dear ex-T,

I’m really struggling tonight. Tomorrow I see you for the final time. I’m going to tell you not to contact me ever again. You sent me a video tonight, why? How can you terminate me, tell me not to contact you but then you have sent me an email and a text in the space of 2 days? It’s cruel. From tomorrow I will be blocking you to make sure I don’t hear from you again. I’m seriously thinking about reporting you but I’m going to see what happens tomorrow first. If you start getting defensive or angry I’ll just walk straight out. I’m so anxious about tomorrow. I wish it was in the morning so I could get it out the way quickly.
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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 04:18 PM
  #53
Dear T,
Didn't notice any tears today, but your hands were sweaty when we shook hands, which I haven't noticed since our first few sessions. And you seemed to be a bit fidgety/anxious, like playing with your hair, near the last part of the session when we were having the more intense talk about D and how I am as her parent. But the main thing I want to say is thanks for what you said about how hard I'm working on my mental health. And about how we're doing everything (within reason) for D that we can, with me the main driver for that. And how D seems to be doing the best she can based on her abilities right now. That all helps more than you could possibly realize. So, thank you.
Love you,
LT
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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 06:46 PM
  #54
Dear T,

Here's the thing - I'm so afraid I might be becoming hypomanic, and I feel like you don't take my worries seriously. But if it happened once as a medication reaction, I feel like it could happen again.

I feel like you think I'm making a big deal over nothing. And maybe I am. But please understand that having had a mental health crisis is scary. It's so easy to think "what if I also have X condition?" or "what if I was misdiagnosed?" because that happens ALL the time.


I've been hyperanalyzing myself like crazy today. I feel like I have too much energy all of a sudden, and am motivated to do too many things, and felt a bit flirtatious today, towards both you and the furnace repair man (oops).

But on the other hand, maybe this is just the depression finally lifting after so long. And/or the fact that I actually have a deadline for some things.


Also, admit it... you liked me when I was hypomanic before, when I first started working with you. You found me amusing, and didn't really recognize it as lingering hypomania from the med reaction.


I feel kind of silly about that time now, but I think that you liked it. But if I'm becoming like that again... T, we really can't let me be like that again.
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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 08:42 PM
  #55
M.

Thank you!

I keep sorting out the fragments from last night.

I truly meant the thank you. Who else would understand?

Compliance is getting it. I’m going to hang out with her this week and we will talk about it.

Isn’t it some kind of wonderful craziness to actually “be” a part and them be heard and valued? I wish I could be that authentic with the flesh and bone people in my life. THAT would be another kind of wonderful craziness!!

She’s not as P. I. S. T. as she was. It feels good!

Wonderful crazy!! Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

See ya next week!

Trail/Compliance Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

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Default Jan 23, 2020 at 10:07 PM
  #56
No matter how hard I try, I just don’t trust you.
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Default Jan 24, 2020 at 09:28 AM
  #57
Floundering. Trying to turn that feeling into art, but can't get it the way I want it.

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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 02:13 AM
  #58
It's been a really long time since I've wished I could talk to you tomorrow...in an hour...right now.

Instead I am picturing your face. When I start thinking, "Maybe things have changed," your face is my Jiminy Cricket even though you mask it pretty well. I think I need to see the "that's not a great idea" face. And maybe I need to hear that it's normal and expected that sometimes despite everything I will miss the ex. (Oh, UGH. It makes me feel so @#$% stupid to even think that.)

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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 08:27 AM
  #59
Can we take things slower?

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Default Jan 25, 2020 at 08:51 AM
  #60
You're a safe person to love.
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