Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Unwanted.

Dear T,
Ugh, my car wouldn't start earlier tonight, and I'm not sure what the issue is. It led to a fight with H about how to handle things Monday if the car isn't resolved by then because of D being off and having P and me having you at a similar time. But he just seemed to be annoyed by my concern about it and trying not to have an effect on D from it (like if she knows I'm in the office but wouldn't be going to her session). And he just seemed to act like I was some sort of inconvenience if he had to drop her at his dad's after (as planned), then immediatley come and pick me up, even though I'd be literally 5 minutes from his dad's. And I was making suggestions of other ways to handle it, and he just seemed to dismiss or ridicule any suggestion. And I just feel s****y about things with H right now. And am feeling bad about myself, too. This is a normal thing that happens in people's lives every day, I should just be able to handle it...Wish I could talk to you right now...
Love,
LT

LT Im sorry H wasn't supportive about this. I'd be worried if I had a car and needed to be somewhere else the next day.

You are handling it the best way you can.

Thanks, Lemon. He did apologize later. AAA* is on the way to my house now. They'll test the battery and can replace it if it's that--if it isn't, guess I'll need to request a tow, and repair shops won't be open today.


*Not sure if they have that in UK--membership that provides roadside assistance for cars, including testing/replacing battery or towing (not to be confused with AA).

We do, but we would call the roadside assistance thing AA.

Yep we have that here. I don't have a car, but my dad is a member of the RAC which is cheaper for him!

Dear T,

I’m still not entirely over the idea that you were acting unprofessionally. But I do now think that you’ve had my best interests at heart all along.

That said, money is stressful for me now because of the amount of therapy that we did. I don’t know how to approach this with insurance and I know that you and pdoc will help some, but I ultimately have to be the one to deal with it all.

And you have no idea how triggering money is to me, because you grew up wealthy. I grew up fluctuating between middle class and only-just-getting-by. The “only-just-getting-by” times stay with you for life. You’ll never really understand that experience.

And now I’m going to bake brownies and put off dealing with this issue. Also I’m having a glass of wine even though it’s too early for that. Sorry. I said I would “try” to stay away from alcohol. I did try.

You know, you could probably use a drink yourself, on occasion. I would never actually say that to you, but I do think it. I think you would look good drinking Scotch.

Love,
Blueberry

The anger is hard to carry. I'm struggling with it.
And yet, you are not the cause of my anger.
I don't know how to get it out.

Why, when I'm already feeling terribly exposed, did I choose to open up even more in my email response to your check-in yesterday? You haven't responded to my response, even just to acknowledge you read it, and I'm feeling even more vulnerable now, if that's even possible. I hope what I shared was okay.

It sounds nuts but I'm anxious about your next break and you leaving over Easter.

I’m kind of nervous about seeing you tomorrow. But I guess just how nervous I’ll be will depend on how work goes before I come in. I think I’m kinda a mess right now.

@Lemoncake I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel better about the awkward sexual transference dreams I had a couple months ago. Ultimately we can’t control our dreams... sometimes can interpret and learn from them, other times need to just let them go.

In this case it sounds like you were positioning your T as a teacher or a parent figure, and have curiosity about him sexually just as any child sometimes has sexual curiosity about adults in their lives... which can feel awkward but is totally normal. I wouldn’t sweat it .

Since finding out my kiddo was attacked I can't help but wish I could talk to one of you. Let's see, one knew how I extremely anxious I have been since she went to school out of state. You helped calm me down on the days I have panicked. Now you are not here to help me process.

EMDR T you are here and will do you best but you don't know much about that history. I wish I felt comfortable just calling you

Thank you for posting.

I don't have a crisis team only you.

Please help me.

I'm so scared of losing it.

But I already know you won't be here until 4PM tomorrow.

I can't reach you as usual.

Maybe I do expect too much.

Dear T,
Curious as to what your impression of H was after very briefly meeting him today. Well, besides "tall," I imagine. (I probably shouldn't tell him you seemed shorter than he'd expected, particularly because I'd told him your approximate height!) Thanks for the validation today. And also for agreeing with me when I said, "I was going to email you Saturday night but I didn't. Which I guess is progress, right? Though I suppose if I had emailed you, it wouldn't have been a failure either." Even though I know it wouldn't have been a failure, good to hear you affirm it. At first I bristled a bit when you were trying to talk about how H and I could have communicated better. Like part of me just wanted you to validate me and that's it, but where would that have really gotten me? This is helpful for the future. (And...is the sort of thing that ex-MC probably should have been doing with us. Sigh...) And your "Take care" seemed really warm today. Maybe because I'd mentioned my former colleague dying near end of session.
And apparently my thought of "I love you" when I leave is just automatic now.
Love,
LT

Hey C,

You know how I've been off my meds for 2 months. Well.... I'm not sleeping I'm eventually sleeping after 4am but up at 8am and surviving on 4 hours sleep as I'm still up until you guessed it 4am the next day. Also I've joined a dating site and I'm chatting to lots of guys. Also I'm feeling the urges for sex (you know my sex drive is normally 0). I'm talking out loud a lot hence why I'm up until 4am as I'm talking to the people I see. I'm talking about past events. I don't know what's going on or if I'm ok... I wish I could talk to you about it but I have a feeling it won't be until 6th Feb

Dear T,

That session rubbed me the wrong way (hah). Not just because of all the talk about masturbation (which is not fun to talk with you about--I get why you keep bringing it up, but still) but because of the stuff about seeing you twice a week and how I'm having such a hard time talking. I hope you don't find me terribly boring and frustrating.

-c

Dear T,
OK, so now I've come down from the warm, fuzziness of session, I'm bothered by some of what went on in session today. I wanted to talk about a particular aspect of Saturday night. I very explicitly said that. You led me down a different direction. I get why you did, but I thought we'd get back to what I wanted to talk about. We didn't. Which is why I tearily brought up the one thing again at the end of session, but of course you couldn't do anything then. No idea if you'll be able to meet sooner than Thursday, and maybe I shouldn't have even asked. But I just feel really sad right now and like I was dismissed by you in a way. And led down the path that you wanted to go, not where I wanted to go. Plus, honestly, it felt like you sort of gave H a bit too much credit or something. It would be different if you were our marriage counselor, but you're *my* T. And I guess...I just want you to be my advocate and support...
Love,
LT