Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I appreciate your openness, but I felt protective over you when you shared about that unironic use of '**** off!'

It's fair enough to use it jokingly, but...not seriously, not when someone's only trying to help...and you are always trying to help.

Dear T,
That ended up being a pretty intense session today and was more about our relationship than I would have expected. I was surprised by the "See you soon" when I left because it's not something you usually say. It felt nice though.

Love,
LT

T, for your sake I hope some of this stuff sorts itself out before Monday. I am scared out of my mind and I don’t know what to do. If this goes wrong I could loose you and I can’t deal with that right now. I need to heal and I don’t know who else around here could do it.

T: This week has been utter shite. I've been exhausted and depressed and barely tolerating work. I don't remember such an awful week in awhile. Sigh. At least I see you next week, then we start the every other week schedule. *cries*

You're late to every one of our appointments, you've cancelled two of them at the last minute and didn't show for another. I waited for 30 mins. for you and when I emailed you, you told me you forgot to cancel me because you were teaching a class. I tell you every time that it's ok, no big deal, no problem, I understand... but the truth is that it hurts me really badly. I know I'm not you're only patient and I'm nothing to you. I'm nothing to anyone. I might as well not exist. I wish I didn't

Fragile today. Listened to a new song by one of my favourite songwriters, and broke.



Great Wide Open

It’s amazing to me how I can feel busy and fulfilled at work, go out to dinner with friends, exercise, and still feel utterly miserable about your being gone on vacation. Trying desperately to figure out how to disengage. This cannot possibly be useful to me. I feel like I’m living a double life.

What is it that I miss? Why do I feel abandoned and angry? You are kind to me. You give me your undivided attention and you are invested in whatever I have to say. You take my thoughts, emotions and reactions seriously no matter how crazy I think they are. So maybe that’s partly what I miss and maybe for at least the next 2 (or 3) weeks I can try to behave that way towards myself at least a little bit. Maybe I can try to stop telling myself that my reactions towards you are stupid and ridiculous. Easier said than done.

It's the first time ever that I cancelled a session in almost a year. T, I'm not sure of continuing therapy with you. I want to quit everything right now, I don't want to keep fighting, I don't want to waste any more money.

Feeling a little bad that I told you I kind of wished you’d have bad weather in your vacation spot. Hope you know I (mostly) didn’t mean it. Anyway, it looks nice where you are. Yes, I am checking.

Dear T,
You hurt me more than my developmental/attachment trauma did — the reason I came to see you in the first place. You created dependence and extreme attachment until you were my everything. You said you were the best trauma therapist within driving distance. Then you said hurtful/rude things and behaved inappropriately, inconsistently, unpredictability, and certainly unprofessionally. Nevertheless, I didn’t give up and kept coming to our sessions. I switched to fawning. I remained calm and understanding on the outside, but tortured on the inside. I was trapped by our trauma bond. When it was good, it was amazing, but when it was bad, it was torturous. In the last few months, it was the latter way more often. I was explicitly no longer allowed to express anger or frustration. You became reactive instead of reflective. My friendships and work have suffered immensely. I might even get fired. Then you abruptly quit your clinical practice. I was/am shattered. You lied to me about why I can’t keep seeing the provisionally licensed person you supervise. The loss of her is devastating, too, as is the knowledge that she’s allowed to still see her other clients. One of your referrals is to a place directed by someone that we discussed a mutual loathing for. Maybe you didn’t realize it, maybe you did. It feels like I was built up to a place high enough to make me shatter when I was abruptly smashed down. There’s so much more...

When I tried to detach, you’d notice and lure me back in. When I crossed some invisible line of too attached, you’d cast me away. I could feel the push-pull. This is the type of relationship that creates a disorganized attachment style. It certainly doesn’t fix one. I think you have BPD, and although it’s definitely not your fault, it was your responsibility to protect your clients from it. I feel massive mixes of compassion, confusion, love, hurt, devastation, anger, and guilt. I am still super attached and never stopped loving you. I probably never will. Not all of our work was bad. I’m thankful for some really great memories and moments of connection. I loved our touch work. It felt safe. I will probably never experience “safe” touch again.

I’m sorry if I hurt you. You won’t answer my question as to whether you hate me. I understand all of these things are symptoms of your unresolved trauma, and that’s not your fault. I hope you don’t regret taking me on as a client. Folks with BPD face immense suffering, and I admire that you’re still alive and fighting. I admire your hard work, generosity, and contributions to the community for so many decades. I know you’re physically and emotionally unwell right now, and I’m so glad you’re finally gonna give yourself the time and space to get better. It’s the silver lining around the immense pain. I don’t think I can recover from this, but I hope you can. Despite how much you hurt me, I only want the best for you. Beyond the dysfunction, I sincerely believe you’re a good person.
Love,
Meow

I don't know why you changed your focus after 3 years but it appears to be working. I hate what you are doing, it is hard and painful but I know you are making me do it because you care and want me to get better. I hate you but I actually don't want to quit for the first time in years. You would say it is a dialectic. I hate that word too. Maybe it is my desire for punishment and my recent acceptance to do what I am told that is making the difference. I know you say it is not a punishment but it sure feels that way. I have a really bad day yesterday but I made it through. I did what I had to do to self soothe and today is a better day. You are right (oh how I hate admitting that ) the feelings do pass if you accept and sit with them. Please don't make me do that in session again though. I hate it and you know it and you don't care. I hope I have better things to say on Tuesday.

I came back on the 6th at 9pm. He lasted until today to blow up at me.

Not surprised. Still hurt though.

I could come on the 11th, but I'm just ashamed.

You are a beautiful person, inside and out. If I could be half the person you are, I'd be doing amazingly.

I’m thinking about you less today. Or at least feeling it less. I think that’s good. But at this rate I may completely forget who you are by the time you return.

i wish i could tell you about the changes i've seen in me lately, and how nervous it is - the downward direction it goes/points to.

the not-so-funny part is i was about to open up about something (to ask for help) and then everything in my life went to h**l! and i shut down in a massive way - which i don't think you have even noticed..... (i know no one else has)
[i have the 'numbers' to indicate how massive it is]

Dear Pastor T: can you please be gentle with me tonight? I feel fragile. Thank you, Kit

I don't really feel like myself at the moment.

I posted your birthday present but sent it second class, so it should arrive maybe friday? Anyway I hope you enjoy the chocolate.

Dear T,
I'm kinda going to miss the glasses.

Love,
LT

T,

I met someone, and I think you would have liked him. He’s whip smart and cute and introspective. And he’s sweet to me.

I wish you were here so I could tell you about him. I wish you were here so you could help me navigate this relationship. I wish you were here so I wouldn’t **** this up.

I’m not sure if new T can really help me with this.