Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

LonesomeTonight · Jan 27, 2020 at 09:31 PM

Dear T,
Sorry if that email was kinda harsh--was trying to keep it as brief as possible. I mean, I kept it at 3 sentences, 1 really short. Part of me was going to send a follow-up apologizing for the harshness, but I decided not to. I mean, it's not like I was cursing you out or something. Actually, hm, maybe this could end up being its own therapy topic for the following session...expressing my feelings then worrying it's too harsh.
Love,
LT

LonesomeTonight · Jan 27, 2020 at 09:59 PM

Dear T,
Do I share with you what I typed up about how I feel when I have those sorts of feelings? I tried to be as raw as possible so that maybe you'd get it. But maybe that would be too much? Or...what if, after I shared that, you still seemed rather dismissive of it? I suppose it's worth a try...
Love,
LT

velcro003 · Jan 27, 2020 at 10:07 PM

I'm really depressed, T. Glad I'm seeing you tomorrow, though I suspect most of the session will be focused on how awful I feel about only seeing you twice a month now.

Fuzzybear · Jan 27, 2020 at 11:04 PM

Grrrrrr. Stop judging me

Lemoncake · Jan 28, 2020 at 02:56 AM

Nevermind other people have real problems.

Lemoncake · Jan 28, 2020 at 02:48 PM

Bet I scared you with all the crying.

If I'm being honest I already know that we can work it out.

It's the panics really getting to me.

I hadn't even realized that I hadn't eaten properly other than toast this morning.

LonesomeTonight · Jan 28, 2020 at 03:09 PM

Dear T,
Glad I stayed in session despite my feelings of wanting to run out in the first few minutes when you just didn't seem to be getting what I was saying at all. I sort of wish I knew how you reacted to what I handed you to read--did it affect you emotionally at all? (I had trouble looking at you when you were reading it.) But then I feel if I asked you that, it would sort of seem like I was looking for a particular reaction rather than just trying to get you to understand (which is what I really wanted--for you to get it). It feels like you did get it on some level at least. Thanks for the comment that I wasn't allowed to beat myself up over not doing well enough with coping mechanisms while I was in your office. And confirming that you weren't frustrated with me, that it's not that easy.

And thanks for letting me feed your fish. It felt like a special privilege or something, silly as that may sound.

Love you,
LT

RosyC · Jan 28, 2020 at 03:24 PM

Tuesday is definitely the hardest day for me. I want your reassurance. I’m riddled with anxiety. Medication will help tonight but getting up for work will be very difficult. I need a break. I’m tired. I’m anxious.

velcro003 · Jan 28, 2020 at 10:05 PM

T: It oddly made me feel better knowing you think I need more therapy than just once a week, and that we will just have to slog through this every other week until it resolves (hopefully). I still feel like shite, but am glad I am seeing you next week. Then its really the start of the new schedule. Ugh.

Quietmind 2 · Jan 29, 2020 at 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Nevermind other people have real problems.

Hey you, your problems are just as valid and real, okay?

Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Quietmind 2 · Jan 29, 2020 at 04:04 AM

Dear T,

I hate not knowing how many sessions I have left with you. It's even worse because I know it depends on the visa and so I'm supposed to be the one telling you what timeframe we have left.

I hope we can Skype after I move... You didn't outright say no...but I'm afraid circumstances will mean we can't...

Lemoncake · 10:39 AM

I'm sad T and starting to feel overwhelmed= exam on monday.

Although I've sent yet another email asking for a second session,my money is on you not even seeing it in time until midday friday when it will be an obvious "sorry no can do".

I feel like I've broken you in someway and you resent me. I don't want a T who assumes when I ask for an earlier session that it was just all about control and not asking for extra help.

In a way this feels like a real relationship and I love you terribly, but it just feels like there has been a lot more misunderstandings.

Leave or stay?

Repeat the exact same pattern with another T?

Since I've been a kid there's always been a obsessiveness about someone, and right now I'm just stuck, but all I've always wanted is just comfort and care.

Lonelyinmyheart · Jan 29, 2020 at 08:33 AM

Oh T - that hug. I wanted to say those three words but they stuck inside my throat and wouldn't come out but when I suddenly hugged you tighter with all the feeling I had, THAT was the reason. I've never felt it as strongly as I did then - so much love, with every cell of my being. Thank you for seeing me at such short notice and thank you for once again reassuring me that I'm doing okay.

kumy · Jan 29, 2020 at 09:07 AM

PDOC is not happy with me and she told me that she will call you. Sometimes I would like to know the content of your conversations.

Lemoncake · Jan 29, 2020 at 03:20 PM

"Thank G-d, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me”

Carl R. Rogers

I found this quote on another T's profile and it honestly made me cry. I don't think you do understand.

Lonelyinmyheart · Jan 29, 2020 at 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

"Thank G-d, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me”

Carl R. Rogers

I found this quote on another T's profile and it honestly made me cry. I don't think you do understand.

I'm sorry lemoncake. It's awful to feel like that.

pliepla · Jan 29, 2020 at 06:56 PM

T: It appears as if you suffer from some kind of trauma.
Me: I've been telling you that for 6 months ...

Lrad123 · Jan 30, 2020 at 09:23 AM

The occasional random smiles and playful looks felt nice today, I think. It doesn’t all have to be heavy and serious. And it was nice that you urged me to stay when there was still a little bit of time left and I was contemplating leaving. I bet you did that on purpose.

Lemoncake · Jan 30, 2020 at 02:06 PM

It's okay you're just a man not a hero

LonesomeTonight · Jan 30, 2020 at 03:35 PM

Dear T,
I sort of implied this today, but part of me does wish you would cry or admit to feeling emotional over hearing me struggling so much at times with the stuff we talked about. I get why you don't and what you're trying to do and be careful of. But I just wish you could just drop the boundaries and say "It makes me so sad that you feel that way about yourself sometimes." Like, what you might say to a friend or a family member. You'll share frustration with me, why not sadness? Again, I get why you don't (intellectual level), but that doesn't take away the desire to do so (emotional level).
Love,
LT

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Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

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LonesomeTonight Always in This Twilight Member Since Feb 2015 Location: US Posts: 20,754 (SuperPoster!) 9 75k hugs given	Jan 27, 2020 at 09:59 PM #82 Dear T, Do I share with you what I typed up about how I feel when I have those sorts of feelings? I tried to be as raw as possible so that maybe you'd get it. But maybe that would be too much? Or...what if, after I shared that, you still seemed rather dismissive of it? I suppose it's worth a try... Love, LT

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jan 27, 2020 at 10:07 PM #83 I'm really depressed, T. Glad I'm seeing you tomorrow, though I suspect most of the session will be focused on how awful I feel about only seeing you twice a month now.

Fuzzybear Wisest Elder Ever Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Cave. Posts: 96,329 (SuperPoster!) 21 81.2k hugs given	Jan 27, 2020 at 11:04 PM #84 Grrrrrr. Stop judging me __________________

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 28, 2020 at 02:56 AM #85 Nevermind other people have real problems. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 28, 2020 at 02:48 PM #86 Bet I scared you with all the crying. If I'm being honest I already know that we can work it out. It's the panics really getting to me. I hadn't even realized that I hadn't eaten properly other than toast this morning. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

RosyC Member Member Since Jun 2019 Location: Space Posts: 73 4 11 hugs given	Jan 28, 2020 at 03:24 PM #88 Tuesday is definitely the hardest day for me. I want your reassurance. I’m riddled with anxiety. Medication will help tonight but getting up for work will be very difficult. I need a break. I’m tired. I’m anxious.

velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Jan 28, 2020 at 10:05 PM #89 T: It oddly made me feel better knowing you think I need more therapy than just once a week, and that we will just have to slog through this every other week until it resolves (hopefully). I still feel like shite, but am glad I am seeing you next week. Then its really the start of the new schedule. Ugh.

Quietmind 2 Poohbah Member Since Jan 2020 Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave Posts: 1,243 4 8 hugs given	Jan 29, 2020 at 04:04 AM #91 Dear T, I hate not knowing how many sessions I have left with you. It's even worse because I know it depends on the visa and so I'm supposed to be the one telling you what timeframe we have left. I hope we can Skype after I move... You didn't outright say no...but I'm afraid circumstances will mean we can't...

kumy Grand Magnate Member Since Aug 2019 Location: hanging from a cloud Posts: 3,002 4 192 hugs given	Jan 29, 2020 at 09:07 AM #94 PDOC is not happy with me and she told me that she will call you. Sometimes I would like to know the content of your conversations.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 29, 2020 at 03:20 PM #95 "Thank G-d, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me” Carl R. Rogers I found this quote on another T's profile and it honestly made me cry. I don't think you do understand. __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."

pliepla Member Member Since Oct 2019 Location: Ghent, Belgium Posts: 250 4 70 hugs given	Jan 29, 2020 at 06:56 PM #97 T: It appears as if you suffer from some kind of trauma. Me: I've been telling you that for 6 months ...

Lrad123 Poohbah Member Since Nov 2017 Location: United States Posts: 1,332 6 372 hugs given	Jan 30, 2020 at 09:23 AM #98 The occasional random smiles and playful looks felt nice today, I think. It doesn’t all have to be heavy and serious. And it was nice that you urged me to stay when there was still a little bit of time left and I was contemplating leaving. I bet you did that on purpose.

Lemoncake Luna's offical mini me. Member Since May 2017 Location: Cafe Nervosa. Posts: 9,698 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.2k hugs given	Jan 30, 2020 at 02:06 PM #99 It's okay you're just a man not a hero __________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing."