Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I'm sorry for running away.

My stomach is in knots as I think about the reality of getting back in touch with you.

I called into work on Thursday because I wasn’t feeling good but I called my doctor so at least I did something about it. Also I called another uncle and he is very, very accepting.

Oh, so if I swear at you in an email does that mean I don’t get a response? I don’t have a ton of experience with this, but I guess that makes sense. Bummer for me. I’m not exactly sure how to navigate this.

Ugh. Generic one line response. I hate those.

Dear Info,

I hate being the one who falls through the cracks.

ATAT

So I've decided today the risk is too high to eat/drink or take meds.

Ex T,

I absolutely hate that you dropped me like you did and I haven't found someone who clicks yet or can/will provide the same stuff you did. I wish I could talk to you again, and hate myself for not getting over this faster. I don't have anyone I can talk to about what I did today, and although I should tell one of my new Ts, I feel that it doesn't matter.

I am still considering playing the excerpt from that song for you. I think the music is an important part of conveying the feeling behind the song.

Pastor T: thanks for last night. You were actually helpful and empathetic. You told me to be nice to myself and to stay out of hospitals. I'm trying. I think you get that now. Kit

Dear Former T: Thank you for texting me yesterday and saying that you would respond to me in more detail in a few days, that you had wanted me to have time to discuss the hospitalization with T and with Pdoc before you commented. You're so thoughtful. I do love you, you know that right? I would do almost anything for you. You know that, right? I wish you were still my T. HUGS Kit

ST discovery S1E14

My vacation is going well, but I miss you

Dear T,
I drank way too much last night and told P that I loved him. I said it many, many times, as did he. We discussed it all this morning - our feelings, and how complicated everything is.

I can’t believe I have to wait till Friday to tell you about this.

Dear T,
Sorry for the email. I'm freaking out a bit about H's illness (though I just mentioned that aspect in passing). I'm worried if I get sick (or D does and H isn't better yet), I won't get to see or talk to you before you go out of town. I know it probably seems ridiculous, but we've also talked about how I worry about your vacation because the last couple ruptures were right after or before/during one. And you haven't been away for this amount of time since I've been back. I wanted to talk about those fears more Thursday and worry I won't be able to.


So if you could let me know a (paid) phone call would in fact be possible (even though your policy is just to do them for out-of-town clients scheduled in advance) were that the situation, it would help ease my anxiety a bit. (It's something I've meant to ask about for a while, really--in case of illness, inclement weather, etc.--just never got around to it.) And if you weren't about to go out of town, I wouldn't be so concerned about it. (Or even if I was seeing a T I'd seen before while you were away--stupid R, selling out...).

Oh, and P went well! (Hopefully H didn't infect her, too.) I was going to mention that, but it wasn't the point of the email, so I didn't.

I also imagine it will be a long night because D has a cold and doesn't deal well with having a stuffy nose (plus I'm scared she'll get what H has as well--and that I will).

Love you,
LT

T.
I want off my meds. Like all of them.

Part of me wants only you. But I know that's not healthy or possible.

Please bring up the dissociation from last time. Please validate that the fact that I'm half elsewhere when I talk about that stuff means something.
Also now would be a good time for you to push me on the eye contact thing.
I'm fully expecting that the wall is going to break at some point. There's going to be a day when I manage to feel present and connect with those memories and break down crying in session. How you handle that is going to be really really important.
Please help me be present in the room. Present and connected.

T, yesterday I wanted to confess you something from my past, but you kept directing me in other direction.

Dear T,
Your response made me cry, in a good way. Thank you.
Love,
LT