Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

S hit, I really need to stop drinking and stalking you online. I need a new hobby. Crochet or lawn tennis, something wholesome for normal and polite people. I guess I have 36 hours to sober up before I see you, if I see you.

I love the way you cross your legs when we sit on the floor together. I will miss that if you end our work. I would miss you and your crossed legs.

Dear T,
I had a dream last night where you sent me a big envelope from your trip (well, it was actually postmarked in your town, so I guess you sent it before you left). You included a note to me (forget what it said), but also a whole bunch of photographs. Most were of assorted people you didn't identify, though I assumed they were family or friends? I think there was a pic of you and your son. Your wife was in a couple. And, weirdly, there was a photo of your son's bronzed baby shoes. I was strangely touched that you would include that because it seemed so personal. Oh, and I also realized one of the photographs had been taken inside my late grandfather's house. Which was really weird, as it's 3.5 hours away, in a small town, and I haven't been there since he passed like 15 years ago.

And then...you also included recipes that you'd cut and pasted and glued into the book. You'd written "What I'm going to cook on our trip." And it was all stuff on a grill, so I figured you must be someplace with a grill (I'm so brilliant!). It meant a lot to me that you'd taken the time to gather all that and chose to share it with me. It felt very personal.

I miss you. Thought of you during our usual session time yesterday. At the end of the day, I thought, "I made it through today fine." Then I realized it was still another week till I see you, and it made me sad. I see A today, so we'll see how that goes. Not sure what to talk about with her, but I'll see what comes out when we start talking, I suppose.

Hope you're having a good time, wherever you are, whoever you're with, and whatever you're doing.

Love,
LT

I reached out. I'm not sure how to feel.

Living the dream, but losing myself.

Still not strong enough to carry the weight of the choices that I've made.

Dear Former T: you said you would answer my email and you haven't. I realize there's a million reasons why you haven't, but it feels personal. Dang it. I do this to myself every time. I know you will probably get around to it sometime, but it sure would be nice if you did it now, instead of say, April.


Dear Regular T: I miss you today. I wish I was seeing you this Saturday instead of next Saturday. Why am I getting attached to you?! (To myself) Stop it!


Dear Pastor T: I'm glad you postponed our session until today. I don't want to catch that flu you had. I hope I can tell you what I need to tell you. For some reason, you make me anxious. Well, I suppose that isn't true because another person can't make someone feel something. But I feel anxious around you. How's that? Sure not telling you THAT though. -- Kit

I won't leave if you tell me that we can't work together any more. I will simply stay seated in that stupid chair, refusing to move my fat arse. I will be like mould, it will be impossible to kill my spores and I will leave behind a bilious stain. You will need to phone the police to remove me (you better hope that they have industrial strength bleach and a lot of elbow grease), but when they arrive I will tell them that you have broken my heart and they will send you to prison for not loving me properly. I will visit you in prison, but only to gloat about my new therapist who doesn't swear or shout and who enjoys her freedom of movement, living large in liberation and not detained at her majesty's pleasure.

I really hate you.

"Sometimes the only way to make a new road is to walk it".

S2E10

It's 80° and I can't stop over analyzing my own motives for wanting to wear shorts.

Dear Pastor T: I'm sorry you are sick. Why am I sad that I am not seeing you tonight? UGH. Sometimes I hate therapy. Guess I will do the next round of lessons in the book and the next set of exercises I think you're going to give me and the next verse in the memorization. But if you take the week off, does that mean I get to as well? Hmm.

Dear Pastor T: I guess I didn't have to text you that last bit after I wished you good health, but I wanted you to know! We'll see how you take it.

UGH, why am I upset that I am not seeing you until next week? You shouldn't even matter to me! I mean, yeah you matter as a person, but it shouldn't matter in terms of therapy whether we meet or not. Dang it! Why do I even care? I gotta use my support network more now. This sucks.

Dear T,
A was helpful (even though I did like 90% of the talking), but I miss you.

Love,
LT

I told you I didn't want to talk about it. Now I feel like ****. Thanks.

Missing therapy so much, my head is swimming. There's so much going on at the moment, most of it bad.



I want to reach out to you, but I'm trying really hard not to until at least a year has passed. Even then I'll only ask if you've changed your mind. I've even set up a countdown timer on my phone. It brings hope and pain in equal measure.

I know there's that cliche thing about therapy being taught to swim, because the teacher doesn't get in the pool with you etc, but it doesn't work quite like that for me. Because some of the stuff I have to deal with it's beyond my control (mostly medical) I feel more like I can get as far as treading water. There are people I've cut out my life for my own good, but others where it's not so clear cut. The medical stuff is degenerative so I'm constantly having to adapt on all levels. All these things eventually drag me down, overwhelm. Having sessions with you gave me the space, peace and clarity needed to at least process them. To continue the swimming analogy it's more like when the teacher uses that long stick to aid you to the surface. It's not as cold as standing back shouting instructions (like many Ts,) and yet it's not as involved or interfering as throwing in a life preserver or jumping in after you. It's also not as passive as walking away while you drown.....and that's sort of how I'm feeling now. That even if I reach out to you I'd get nothing or rejection. I'm not sure which would be worse.

66 days to go.

I miss you.

Thanks for your email. I am glad you're on board with the conversation we need to have tomorrow.

T,
I wish you were here. I wish I was seeing you instead of new T. I brought photos of me and J to therapy yesterday, thinking I would show them to new T, but I didn't. Showing him the pictures would have been too intimate a gesture, and I'm just not there yet.

T, you would have liked J. I wish I could show you the pictures. We're so cute together. I think you'd agree.

I often tell J about you. He's a bit perplexed by our relationship, but he listens. He remembers your name. (Well, it is tattooed on my arm, lol.)

I miss you!

Hey ex-T, it was nice running into you in the store recently. The best part about it wasn't the actual seeing you, which surprised me, but instead was that I didn't fall apart with wanting you again. How refreshingly wonderful that was. We done good work, you and I. I haven't started with a new T yet, and maybe I won't. I'm feeling pretty good these days.

I'm having more of those nightmares, but I felt like I didn't really get what I needed the first time I brought them up and I'm reluctant to do so again.
I think I just need to feel connected and to get some validation that it really sucks and my distress is understandable.

I want another transitional object, something a bit less impromptu and, y'know, sticky. Can you please just give me a rock or something? I don't care where you get it from. I just want something to have when it's midnight and I feel like a scared and angry little kid.

I don't know if I will ever get past this. I don't know if I can ever allow myself to feel your care in the same way again. And that breaks my heart.