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Inner Space Traveler
Member Since May 2014
Location: on the wing of an eagle
Posts: 3,880
9 8,141 hugs
given |
#281
Dear T,
Haven’t seen you for a month. It’s been too cold...or I’ve been busy with preparing the house for sale...or I’ve felt too exhausted. You didn’t chase after me or volunteer we could speak on the phone instead as in the past. You would have let me phone you, instead, if I asked. But I didn’t. It’s been a rough month. Thankfully, being able to see there will be an end to it has gotten me though some sui thoughts. I need a lot of rest. Thank you for saying you quite understand my need for rest after the horror I’ve been through for the past four or five years. My experience of these past four years is beyond my ability to describe it. I think I may actually like it here. Plus, I left my mother’s home. When I was alone there, I tried explaining to her, outloud, what was happening, where I was going, where her things were going, and I love her and asked her to please come with me. It’s been hard to stay and hard to leave. When your parents are gone, they are gone for a long, long time. I wish I could have been more help to her in the end. I was SO tired. But she didn’t know that. I plan on coming tomorrow. |
LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,744
(SuperPoster!)
9 74.9k hugs
given |
#282
Dear T,
Wish you could be in the IEP meeting with me today. My head hurts, and I'm stressed. I thought about emailing you last night asking for words of support regarding the meeting, but realized I can manage and don't want to bother you while you're on vacation unless really urgent. I did hold the stone for a bit yesterday and thought about some stuff you said in Thursday's session. That helped a bit. There's this part of me that doesn't want to show I'm OK during the week you're gone, because then maybe you'll think that I don't need you so much at all. But then I thought about it, and I've, say, managed to take care of D while H was gone the entire day or evening. But that doesn't mean I'd want him to be gone *every* day/night or don't want/need his support. So, I imagine it's similar regarding you. Right? Love and miss you, LT |
ArtieTheSequal, LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LostOnTheTrail, Polibeth, precaryous, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,182
(SuperPoster!)
7 8,762 hugs
given |
#283
Every time I think of that concerning look you gave me yesterday I feel like flooding my basement.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden Last edited by Mountaindewed; Feb 27, 2020 at 01:48 PM.. |
LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,744
(SuperPoster!)
9 74.9k hugs
given |
#284
Dear T,
Made it through meeting, went fairly well. I think having your stone in my pocket helped it feel like you were there with me. Love, LT |
LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, SlumberKitty
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,796
12 3,123 hugs
given |
#285
Thank you for your support today. I stepped back from the edge because I needed to.
Something tells me I am also going to need to cry at some point. __________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
5 |
#286
I hurt.
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LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, Lrad123, precaryous, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,744
(SuperPoster!)
9 74.9k hugs
given |
#287
Dear T,
Well, I made it a week without emailing you, that's something, right? I'm going to say that it is. Love, LT |
ktcharmed, LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, Lrad123, precaryous, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Tweaky Dog
Member Since Aug 2011
Location: England
Posts: 4,796
12 3,123 hugs
given |
#288
What am I so afraid of? Feelings are normal and natural, and it makes sense that mine would be even more complex...given the way that Chris' death contributed to the impossibility of the situation in which I find myself. I am scared of going over the edge.
__________________ 'Somewhere up above the great divide Where the sky is wide, and the clouds are few A man can see his way clear to the light 'You have all the grace you need for today, and today is all that matters.' - Steve Austin |
LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Grand Magnate
Member Since Jun 2018
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 3,355
5 1 hugs
given |
#289
I'm cold and miserable and that was a terrible session yesterday.
__________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold |
LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
4 1,732 hugs
given |
#290
Is this when everything changes, is this when I realise deep in my being that I will never have what I want with you and from you? Is this when the pain of that really sets in and makes me not want to even turn up for sessions because of the fear of greater pain? This is not an avenue I have ever gone down before. I have never experienced such a horrible desperate longing for something so close and available to me and yet so completely out of reach. I actually feel as though I hate you. I hate you.
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LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Lrad123, SlumberKitty
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Inner Space Traveler
Member Since May 2014
Location: on the wing of an eagle
Posts: 3,880
9 8,141 hugs
given |
#291
Today I told you back then I didn’t know what I needed. As a parent, looking back, I don’t know if I could have parented me, as a child, either.
I didn’t know what I needed then. I don’t know what I need now. I’m not clear on what’s wrong except I’m sensitive, ‘innocent’ and, too often, I assume I know something I really don’t know. I can’t tell you what made everything go wrong. I can’t tell you what i needed. I can’t tell you what I need. |
blackocean, Ifeelstupid, LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, unaluna, WarmFuzzySocks
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Grand Member
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: Closet
Posts: 842
6 678 hugs
given |
#292
I'm stuck in my mind right now, so I can't really say what's wrong. When you ask how bad things are, you can't actually trust my answer. My mind is like an endless maze right now, and won't let me be totally honest. I don't want to say what's going right now purely because the practical repercussions will make things more difficult. I'm sorry for being so vague and evasive. I hate that I won't be straight right now. I'm not ok and wish that someone would just read my mind because I feel so paralysed.
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Ifeelstupid, LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight
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Poohbah
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave
Posts: 1,243
4 8 hugs
given |
#293
Dear T,
I really hope you can do online therapy when I move. |
Elio, LabRat27, Lemoncake, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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...............
Member Since Sep 2006
Location: in my head
Posts: 2,911
17 8,779 hugs
given |
#294
Dear Dr. S,
I think I've decided to believe (make my narrative) your statement about being in a different place too and us having a different rhythm to mean that there was some accuracy to my perception when things went bad. It might not be the real reality, I think I can accept that it might not be real. One thing I think therapy is teaching me is that it's ok to make up our own narratives to some degree and especially if they help us get through the day. Love, me. |
ktcharmed, LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Luna's offical mini me.
Member Since May 2017
Location: Cafe Nervosa.
Posts: 9,697
(SuperPoster!)
6 10.2k hugs
given |
#295
Come and find me.
First world moping:
Possible trigger:
__________________ "Love, like life, flows Through the heart. Feel the thrill of the flow And say nothing." Last edited by Lemoncake; Feb 29, 2020 at 05:45 PM.. |
Elio, LabRat27, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, precaryous, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#296
I did the rescripting exercise. I wrote it all out. I wish this was the kind of thing I could text you and tell you. I want you to be proud of me.
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Elio, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
4 1,732 hugs
given |
#297
I've said it before but I will say it again (although never to your face) - if I could be half the person you are, I would be doing amazingly. How do you make me feel so much better after all that?
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Elio, LonesomeTonight, precaryous, SlumberKitty
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Jun 2016
Location: Where the sidewalk ends
Posts: 36,182
(SuperPoster!)
7 8,762 hugs
given |
#298
You will probably think I’m insane when you hear I spent $230 in 2 days stocking up on food, hygiene products, and cat supplies.
__________________ Ridin' with Biden |
Elio, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty
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Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2018
Location: CA
Posts: 1,009
6 2,354 hugs
given |
#299
I'm feeling really abandoned right now. For no good reason, but still in classic borderline fashion I didn't let that stop me from acting out anyway.
It probably doesn't help that you didn't realize on Friday that we don't have any more appointments scheduled. I know you're talking to my insurance company Monday so it's not like you're forgetting about me. Idk. Maybe I feel like I'm digging up all this stuff from how I felt when I was much younger and just like back then I'm left to deal with it all on my own. I wish I had a reason to text you about scheduling or something. But it's Sunday anyway. |
Elio, Lonelyinmyheart, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,711
5 |
#300
Remember when we didn't shout at each other in session? When we were civil and almost pleasant?
ETA: oh yeah, neither do I!! hahaha, etc |
Elio, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, SlumberKitty, WarmFuzzySocks
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