Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Close to 3.5 year of therapy

775 days no SH...

So t wanted an actual call to speak with me. We didn't fully discuss too much to the plan. So I did what was best for 20 hours on the medication. Not much change yet. Tomorrow is a new day. I'll make sure I talk to you instead of how I handled it today. Learning curve.

I don't feel at all well.

Dear T,

Just watched your wife play some music on the internet. I'm having complicated feelings about it that I don't understand. I think mostly I feel curious about your relationship and jealous of your children--I think I want to be a part of your little family.

-c

Dear T,
I doubt anyone can help me at times, because I feel so far gone and broken. .... But we're all a little work aren't we?

I have issues speaking and talking, let alone absorbing information at times....
I'm complex with also feeling I'm fine; and don't need help at times/don't need an opinion.. but that usually stems from I've always tried to make a way.... And I probably need reminders that therapy is about a lot, and one topic for me is that it's OK to live "my way", especially the adaptive ways I've found to fit....
Thanks for not being so critical with my maladaptive ways.

I'm afraid that I'll argue with you on some topics.

"A laugh is worth a hundred groans in any market." Charles Lamb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=da7StUzVh3s

Woke up this morning feeling rather maudlin and sentimental. Actually, I woke up with a few tears running down my face. I have no recollection of any dreams, so I don't know what prompted the tears. Probably has to do with not having my cymbalta for several days now. I don't know why Dr. B didn't send in the prescription. I've been taking extra Trintellix so that I don't have severe withdrawal, but missing doses of cymbalta has historically been correlated with weepiness for me.

So I don't know if it's all that or not, but my first thought on waking was about my old psychiatrist and how I miss her. Then I thought about you and had an intense longing to see you in person. I haven't really felt this way since the world fell apart, but I did today.

I also want to say thank you for seeming to be so understanding about out of session contact lately. I really appreciate it. I want you to know that texting nearly every day is not a permanent state of affairs, but that being able to receive a brief response from you like you've been giving me has been really helpful during this time. I know outside contact isn't really your thing and I am thankful that you are flexible and seem to understand that it helps me.

See? Maudlin and sentimental. Anyway, don't get a big head over this.

How come nail salons and hair salons can open but you can’t? I call shade.

Dear T: I feel like terminating therapy again. I don't really know why. Just do. And nothing is really helping. The only help I've gotten in the past few months is from going down on the meds. I feel bad again.

I think my T could technically see clients in person as an “essential worker,” he’s just opting not to for safety concerns. And he said he plans to wait until it really seems safe, not jump back into it. Which I understand. So it’s likely a case of that, where your T is trying to be cautious and not risk possibly infecting any of his clients.

I want to tell you about this super odd thing I’ve been doing. But I don’t want you to be weirded out. But you said we could talk about anything and you wouldn’t judge me about anything. so I guess that means I can tell you.

I feel like crap. And I've been told to wait out this change in med. And that scares me. I normally give up on meds.

You told me that you'd be HONORED if I texted you yesterday or today. I finally got up the nerve to text you. That was 2 hours ago. No response. I know you have your own life. I know that it's a holiday. I know that I'm not the priority in your life or the focus of your time. But I can't not feel badly that you didn't even acknowledge getting it. Maybe you haven't. Maybe your phone isn't near you. Maybe. But I'm still hurt and feel like I shouldn't have done it.

Dear T,
So I helped H carry some trash to the corner, which was up the block. That counts, right? I'm pretty sure it does. And I do think maybe doing one of the longer excursions during session while on the phone with you might help. The thing I wonder about is...if I drive to your office parking lot like you suggested, any chance you could come outside and wave hi?

Love,
LT

I am petrified of being alone tomorrow. I don't want to go into the hospital, but it may be ye best option to have people around. But that choice brings pain in my body due to the bed there. Yet I feel like I'm sliding backwards because of the new med. I'm scared. I don't want to go in, either. And then I get a cold spell.

This new med is torture!!! Is it really supposed to be better????

I feel so tired these days . My life is so restricted. I understand one needs to stay home except going out for necessities ie drugstore, grocery store, take out. I understand and I'm willing to do my part to flatten the curve. Still its taking its toll on mood.

Oops, I did it again.

Well.. can you blame me?

Are you worried yet that I haven’t emailed you since Friday morning? Why do I have a feeling that you are? I know for sure that your going to mention it next session.

I'm scared to call you. Anxiety is off the charts, and some pesky thinking has returned. But I don't want to go inpatient. I AM alone today and that worries me. I've had several shaky episodes. I'm scared.

Ortho exam on thursday.

I'm so tired and exhausted.

I hung up on the skype call with my mother- I don't think she even noticed as she usually just leaves it on when she has other things going on in the background.

I called. I want out of this situation!!!