Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Dear T,

I’m struggling not to feel lonely on this camping trip by myself. I don’t remember feeling like this when I traveled by myself in my twenties. What changed? Is this fear of loneliness part of the lack of coherence of self we keep talking about?

-c

I can’t say I’m not nervous about tomorrow. Last time after our session I was so distraught over it I I feel a lot better now but I was feeling fine before the session last week too. I wonder if you’ll send a quick email before the session asking what’s up.

M.

I feel like I’m in trouble.

I’ve made something out of nothing and I can’t sort it out.

There are other possibilities than the worst that I feel.

I started something that I should have kept to myself.

I was painfully transparent with you and trusted you to help me sort out truth.

I feel like my brain is broken from the lies, secrecy and gaslighting.

I’m sitting here feeling like this is going to blow up in my face.

I’m afraid.

It hurts my heart.

There is no safety in being transparent.

I can’t think.

I’m confused and feel very alone.

The Assumer.

oh my goodness L i just had what feels like a huge huge insight (trigger for weight talk)

I'm curious as to whether our session today was as excruciating for you to watch as it was for me to be in it.
Thank you for telling the Critic to piss off.

Dear Pastor T: still trying to decide if I should break up with you.

I hate how I seem to want to contact you after sessions lately. I don't know what that's about.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? I was feeling ok earlier but now I've completely crashed. Feels like something horrible has happened. Maybe it's anxiety?

Dear T,
Survived the AC repair guy. Well, I mean, I guess it's too early to know if he spread Covid, but he wore a mask and seemed to socially distance, based on what H said. And H wore a mask while around him, as I requested, and even took a shower after he left. Your email helped me get through it.

I didn't take any Seroquel last night or this morning (and only took a tiny dose yesterday morning because I thought maybe my panic was due to withdrawal or something). I've been much more productive and not sleepy today, despite not sleeping too well last night. Also less irritable. And not particularly panicky. I wonder if maybe I was having some sort of rebound panic when it left my system, because it has such a short half-life? I know I need to contact p-doc about it and see what else I can try, but she's off Fridays, I think, and not sure if it's worth emailing her today, if she might not get back to me till Monday. Though maybe she'd still reply to an email tomorrow, just not see clients?

Anyway, guess I'll be talking about this with you tomorrow. Still sorta helps to type it out.

Love,

LT

Dear T,
Also, I miss seeing you in person. I hope in the next week or two, I can manage to drive to your office parking lot so that you can come outside and wave to me at the end of session like you said you could. Of course, maybe that will make me more sad, I don't know. But it's worth a try? No idea when you'll be willing to start seeing clients back in your office again, let alone when I'd feel safe seeing you there again. I mean, if we'd both have to wear facemasks, I think I'd prefer to just stay online till the need wouldn't be there. How would crying work with a facemask on? I feel like I'd suffocate. But, OK, just adding that.
Love you,
LT

Now I can see my body and how disgusting it really is, I’m not sure what to do with it. Sorry you have to look at me. I wish I was invisible.

Dear T,

I'm not sure if I'll tell you about my friend who is in the psych hospital. I guess it might be relevant because it's making me realize that things really could be worse for me. (That and reading the autobiography about the woman who was raised in a cult.) I guess that's kind of a liberating feeling, that I'm not as screwed as I could be?

-c

So I hadn't looked at your psych today profile in a bit, but took a peek today (boring afternoon here!) and saw that you posted a video! well aren't we getting fancy-schmancy!

Dear T,
Well, tomorrow in horribly awkward conversations, I think you overcharged me twice in the past month, like $300 worth of overcharge. I assume it was an error, but still awkward to bring up... I suppose I need to be paying closer attention to my credit card statements (only looked closely because of a fraudulent charge they alerted me to, which, thanks, Chase, for noticing I don't use Uber!)
--LT

Dear T,

I chuckled to myself thinking about you.. We had a conversation a while back where you offered that you own a zither ..or some kind of uncommon (to me) musical instrument.. and I asked if you used to be a hippie ..

You laughed and said, “Only a minor one...”.
You crack me up.

Make that once, as I apparently neglected to add an extra session to my calendar. But the one seems pretty obvious, unless you randomly charged me $100 for something...

Dear Info, despite instructions to the contrary, will you respond with “some empty formulaic validation stuff” as I asked you not to do? Or just not respond at all? (Which I did say was an option, better than said “empty formulaic validation stuff.”). Or will you actually come through for once?

I am on tenterhooks.

ATAT

I'm so glad you're feeling better but why did you have to say that in the way you did, don't you realise how triggering it is in the light of everything recently? I know you weren't deliberately trying to hurt me but you have. It's amplified everything I've been struggling with recently!

Yesterday was excruciating, but I think it was necessary.
I am also scared that it is going to happen again.


The Critic is loud - 'That is not the point!'

I fear you may be right...not enough has come out yet for me to experience a 'release' from crying.

I kinda miss "us", you know. Miss laughing with you, and working out what my dreams are telling me, etc. My dream-maker has been quite active the last couple of weeks. I was thinking today about that dream I had it's been awhile now, I need to find it in my journals, that dream where we were doing a session over video. Weird, huh, as you're doing sessions like that now cuz of covid. Anyway, been thinking about you allll day today. I'll probably call you to check in before my birthday, maybe we can schedule some time to talk. We'll see.

Dear T,
I know I'm paying you and stuff, but thank you for being there. And letting me get out all my horrible fears and just like, containing them. And for saying I'm "not bananas" for worrying about those things. For realizing that saying I'm being ridiculous in my fears won't help me.

Love you,
LT