Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I look forward when where I live is opened enough ie COVID-19 reopening ) enough to see you in person. Hoping too the gov. knows what he's doing.

please help me

I don't want to see you today. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I just don't want to keep trying anymore. I want to cut all ties with treatment in general and just be done.

Dear former Pastor T: I feel relieved. I really think I made the right decision by deciding not to continue treatment with you any longer. I'm glad we are going back to Pastor/Parishioner. You stressed me out too much. Plus now I am more free. You were very constricting. You helped me some though. Like with the crisis plan and stuff. I hope you like the thank you card I sent you. It has a huge cup of coffee on the front. I know you like Starbucks. I hope you are amused. Kit

Dear T,
Thanks for listening and being really present in today's session (well as "present" as one can be over Zoom). You've given me a lot of stuff to think about. From working to be proud of my achievements without including a "but" in there to never being ashamed of who I am, like in terms of my race/ethnicity and the socioeconomic status of how I grew up. That it's about how I conduct myself. I think with everything going on in the country right now, I needed a reminder of that. And, it's nice to know the steps you took personally in the past week.
Love you,
LT

i can't handle this anymore

Last session was hard. I think we both know that.
I want to reach out, but I can't find the words.

Are you mad at me? I'm concerned about that emoji you sent. Did I hurt your feelings by replying to your text with that Trump gif? I thought it was pretty funny. I mean, we both might loathe the guy, but you have to admit that he gives great material for memes and gifs with the dumb stuff he says and his silly appearance and facial expressions. I choose to use humor to deal with politics instead of allowing horrible politicians to devastate me as so many people seem to do. Getting extremely upset and hopeless helps no one. I have to see the humor and absurdity in situations or I would be angry about political stuff constantly.

i really need to talk to you.

Ok. So I did one of the exercises you taught me (that one where I sit down with a particular part of myself and have a discussion) and it was helpful. Not so much because we actually resolved anything, yet, but more because it was a good reminder that one particular part of myself that I don't like very much isn't representative of my whole self. Thanks for teaching me that and so much else. I still want to talk to you but at least I'm figuring out one of the things.

Dear T. Okay, now I miss you, a little. The 13th when we talk is 10 days away. I can do that. I just miss you, a little. I had my last session with my Case manager last night. It went well-ish. I got a score of 31 on the depression scale (50 is average) but it was better than the 18 I had at my worst. I'm worried about the protests and rioting. I guess if I could talk to you that's one thing I would talk to you about. I hope you are doing well.

Dear ex-MC,
WTF??? Why did you BCC Dr. T on that email reply? And I wouldn't have even known if he hadn't said, "So, he replied yesterday afternoon?" Well, now he's emailing you to confirm I'd already terminated permission for you to communicate about me, so, busted! At least he confirmed you haven't BCCed him in the past, but still...

LT

Note: Please no negative comments on my emailing him. I know it was a bad idea. I had a weak moment the other night in the midst of pandemic and riots and hadn't emailed him since like September.

Thanks for confirming tomorrow's Zoom meeting. I wanted to reach out, but the words haven't been available to me.

I’m sure there’s a reason for it that I don’t understand, but why do you respond to stupid emails but not to legit ones?

I just saw you yesterday and I already miss you. I’m getting attached and that scares me to death. I don’t think I can handle losing another therapist.

It sounds stupid but I started cycling lessons. I'm not perfect yet, but after three I can now actually ride a bike. I didn't think I'd get the hang of it when I first started but it started coming together by lesson 2. I like seeing the progress I've made in 5 days.

What will you say??? I wrote you an email, I hope it's received well. And that you support me.

L, I was thinking a lot today about stuff. I really want to talk to you. Soon. I will call soon.

L, I'm struggling so much with feeling resentful of h that he's been off for like 2 months now, sits at home doing nothing but watching tv all day and late into the night. I'm resentful sometimes because I want some time off too, and also I get frustrated because the noise from the tv during the day makes it hard for me to focus on my work and after I've gone to bed, keeps me from sleeping until he finally turns it off around midnight, and I get up at 5am. I'm fighting inside myself because I have always thought that I am a good person, but if I am resentful of h for staying home for his safety so he doesn't get covid, even though of course I want him to be safe, I don't want him to get sick, I hate that I am resentful, so I feel like that makes me a bad person. I won't even get into the rest of my recent guilt. How do I accept that I am a bad person and just get on with life? This is partly why I haven't called you again yet or the other t I was going to try. Because if I am a bad person, then I don't deserve help. My thoughts have been so out of control lately I'm only now beginning to be able to articulate them. I am not well.