Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

Artie, why cant he wear headphones? I wear headphones to watch tv just so i dont blast my apartment neighbors. Just get a really long extension for them.

I don't know. I've suggested it and he poopoo's it. Maybe I'll just buy some with a long extension thingy like you said and make it a gift 'for the new tv'. It's worth a shot trying it again! I get to feeling so hopeless I just stop thinking altogether or something.

Cycling sounds fun!!

L,
I still didn't find today's session comforting. And I tried to tell you, and you didn't seem to care. It seemed like "Oh, well. Maybe next time". I'm not sure I want to try yet again. I've been trying all week long.

I don't care what you say on this. I am not a statistic! I can break out of this hole, and make a better life. Medication does not have to control me. Yet you want a discussion, and I need your support.

I had yet another side effect to a medication. I am done with this class of medication! I will take one tonight, but not for too much longer. I'm done with the effects. I am taking back my life!

Dear Ex-MC,
I know I basically baited you. Could you maybe not take the bait?
LT

I kinda freaked out when you said you had 35 other clients. I know your hurting much more then your helping. I just don’t know how to tell you that.

Dear T,

Thanks for today. That felt nice. It feels good to know that you really had to do some soul-searching when I was so upset with you. It makes me feel like I matter to someone.

Of course, now that we had that soul-baring session, I feel close to you and therefore feel lonely for you. I want to email you but I don’t really have anything to say.

-c

I really like mine. Plus they are good for multitasking, cuz i can listen/read to my phone without headphones, and listen/watch tv with just one ear. While flipping a pizza and riding my exercycle at the same time LOL

You are quite the talented one!

L, I know you're probably pretty busy right now with the rate of depression and anxiety being so high - i just read a statistic that 34 out of 100 american adults show symptoms of anxiety, depression or both - but I hope you're able to find a little time for me when I call. Cuz I need you. I need us. The comfort of us. You said before more than once that you would always be available for me. I hope that still holds true.

Please don't be a pain about getting off antipsychotic meds.

Dear T,

Though... when you said, “do you want to go to bed?” I knew you were asking if I was tired after my shift but I couldn’t help but hear the other possible meaning of that phrase and wonder about where that came from in your unconscious.

-c

L,
Thank you for calling me tonight. It made a world of difference. I really felt known and loved. Please don't ever leave me! You're such a special person. I'm the lucky one to have you.

Dear T,

When I tell you people don't like me...or I feel like an alien ..and you comment that you just don’t see it...or can’t see why or how that may be so.....
....It feels like you don’t see me.

It feels like the time when I was a child and I asked my mother, in tears, “Why does everyone tease me?” And she answered, “Oh, they tease you because they like you!” I knew that wasn’t true and I never trusted her with my big problems ever again.

I didn’t feel she was lying..I felt she wasn’t connected to my real life..my real world. I felt she didn’t understand.

Later, as adults, I asked her why she replied that way. She said, “What was I supposed to say? They tease you because no one likes you? “ So, she knew all my life that people didn’t like me...that I wasn’t popular. How painful for her to have an awkward daughter like me. DD is beautiful , popular, bubbly. How relieved she must have been....so much different than I was. She loved that little girl.

Good things have happened this week...but when I’m left to my thoughts..I am taken back to the realization that people, for the most part, don’t like me.

I don’t socialize very well. I don’t get along with people....some of my family have a sarcastic humor. They make people laugh. When I try to use sarcasm or irony..my efforts fall flat. So I’ve mostly stopped trying to joke around.
I’m not good at it.

Siblings, neighbor kids, school mates, nursing school..marriages...all of my jobs...I failed to understand social cues..professional cues...even misunderstanding how to be polite....having good manners...

My grades didn’t make me quit nursing school....my relationships and social failures did. Plus, we discussed how I had performance anxiety in high school and nursing school. I’m 65 years old. Thank god someone finally told me what that was. It would have helped if I had KNOWN back then.....I would have quit trying and failing. I wouldn’t have been hurt so often.

Now, looking back, I can see it..I can see my mistakes.
And now I’m keeping my world very small.
Protected.

And then, there’s church. I’m reprimanded for not going to church.
‘Why don’t you go to church??’

You don’t like me but you want me to go to church? You church people wouldn’t like me at church. I’m socially awkward, I’m not attractive. I’m self-conscious and anxious.

You don’t even like me now. You’re going to like me more if I go to church? OR, you will just approve of me more if I go to church? YOUR life will make more sense to you with all your boxes checked off?? —-“Well, at least we got Precaryous to go to church. She’s doing what she should be doing. Life makes sense again.”
I should go to church for ___, ____, Pastor ___and Pastor ___.

I've introduced a limit for being available for my family to call me. I just sign out of skype and mostly have my phone in aeroplane mode when I don't want to talk. The multiple calls a day were getting a bit much and I was feeling more anxious anticipating them- sometimes I know I really needed that just to feel close to someone, but I don't like it when when they don't talk to me and do X, Y or Z in the background.

Also I know I'm always complaining about school- but I have just one more exam to go and I haven't been feeling very motivated. I do still feel exhausted. I did 2 hours yesterday and 3 the day before.

HUGS @Lemoncake

Dear Pastor Ex T, I want to text you and wish you well on your trip but I also don't want to text you. So I compromised and texted your wife. I do wish you well on your trip though. I'm glad you are going to self quarantine for 14 days when you get home. Seems like a bit of work for a 4 day trip but better to be safe than sorry. Kit

Dear Former T: Could you p-l-e-a-s-e write me back? Sigh. Kit

Dear Regular T: I miss you, but I'm not ready to talk to you. Kit