Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLIII

I googled other therapists in the city I’m moving to next year. I know you said we could continue seeing each other if video sessions become permanent. But that’s just not what I want. Your just not what I really want in the long run.

I am a little scared to try life without antipsychotic medication, but I am excited. I haven't told you yet, and I know I should. My body is sore, and pdoc gave me a muscle relaxer that I hope will help.

Dear T:
I am looking forward to the session we will have tomorrow.

I don’t feel very well today my stomach pain is really bad. I know I hate them and they don’t help me but I think I have to see a doctor. but I’m scared.

Dear T: I need you. Kit

I need you. The day we talked about doe the las T 5 years is here. We were suppose to navigate when my youngest graduated high school. This year has been complicated and the last couple for says have been hell. Graduation is tomorrow. Not sure how I will make it through without your support.

Dear T,

Okay. I felt jealous of your other pt whom I know through group because she’s pretty and I’m not. And I guess I worry that you like working with her better than me because she’s pretty. And okay, I suppose that this does lead us to the inevitable conclusion that I wish you found me attractive. But what does that *mean*? Does this suddenly mean that I have Erotic Feelings for you? I mean I guess I wish that lots of other people found me attractive, just as a matter of course... but I suppose it doesn’t *really* matter to me re: my BFF or the people I work with, only people I have some sort of romantic interest in. (Is that right? I mean, I caught one of my program directors checking me out the other day and I kind of liked it but I’m not actually romantically interested in him.)

So does this mean that I’m romantically interested in you, or what?

Eff.

-c

I don't think you like me as much as you used to. You don't say those lovely things to me anymore. Like so many people are, I believe you have been shocked when I expressed extreme anger.

I think people become more attractive and well-liked and loved in the eyes of others when they demonstrate kindness, compassion, honesty, reliability, responsibility, self-improvement, hard work, perseverance, etc. The term that comes to my mind is salt of the earth. Those are the most attractive people if you ask me.

First there was Professional Lost, now there seems to be Soluble Lost.

I am so tired of crying, over what seems to be Nothing.

Dear T,
OK, I know I said I'd be OK with him not writing back, but you and I both probably know that was a lie. I mean, you're right, he likely will reply at some point. It's weird to me that his silence seems worse than his potentially saying "Yes, it would be better if you didn't contact me again" or something. Plus he works some Saturdays (at least he did when we were seeing him), so maybe his day off is actually tomorrow. You're likely right that he's thinking about his reply. But I feel like the more time goes by (nearly 3 days now), the less the chance he'll reply.
I will do my best not to email you about this. (If I did, I'd wait till the morning.) I think I'm also stressing that my phone seems to have vanished (thanks, D!), and it's dead, so I can't find it, so I feel a little lost. Perhaps I'll do a painting tonight and maybe that will help? Still haven't managed to leave house today, but it was a graduation celebration for my neighborhood so figured lots of people would be outside, which: anxiety. And I did take a Luvox yesterday, so...I'm trying! I did feel a bit of something from it already, though I know it won't work overnight.
Love and miss you,
LT

Why do you ask me how my anxiety is but then not reply back?

L, thank you for checking in and offering a video session. I do appreciate it, you somehow always know when I'm thinking about calling you. Do you remember my dream where we were having a video session? I need to find that before we talk. I am feeling better already just knowing we're going to talk soon.

I'm in so much pain.

Trying hard to stay afloat and safe.

Dear T,

I want to connect with you but I have nothing to say.

I don't want to talk more about this stuff with K because it's uncomfortable but maybe it seems like we ought to. I don't know what it means that I wish you found me attractive. I would never want you to actually act like you found me attractive because that would creep me the hell out. So why do I care what you think and feel on this topic?

I guess some of it is being so insecure about how I look. I hate that I give a damn, but I guess I do. I hate how I'm ugly and bad at my hair and makeup and clothes and everything. So I dunno, I guess if you found me attractive anyway that'd help shore up that hole in confidence??

I really don't know.

-x

I'm not as good as I was yesterday. I'm more sore and stuff. I stopped a medication and it took a bit to get started on a few plans. I got to paint today! I feel tired.

Final ENT retake in around 9 days then school just starts again early at the end of August.

I feel so trapped and suffocated.

I hope I can figure this all out...

Dear T: should I call you and tell you how unwell I'm doing? Would it do any good? Kit

I am so very glad that you sent that email the other day. So glad that you are somehow still so sensitive to when I need you. It's rather amazing, it is. Looking forward to talking Wednesday.

eta: of course it could just be a complete coincidence and you emailed all your not-too-far-in-the-past clients and offered your services because of these insanely jacked up times we're living in. But I choose to stick with the fantasy that I'm your favorite client ever