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Omers
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Unhappy Jan 16, 2020 at 07:49 PM
  #1
I remember as a kid how my Easter basket always looked... a large chocolate bunny in the middle, a small toy, jelly beans (no black ones) and the bubble gum eggs... I also remember the year it all changed. My basket still looked the same but instead of the big bunny being solid when I bit into this one my teeth crashed through it and into my tongue.
I’m feeling like that little kid again. T wants me using my symbols of the supportive adults Ihad identified from my childhood early in our work. There were some teachers, a bus driver, people from school... people who had been my world, people that had saved my life, the people I hung out with when things got rough. But now T and I have been working together just over a year. He should be the hollow bunny, it is a professional relationship... but he isn’t. He is as solid as it gets. In light of how T treats me I am seeing how very hollow those other “bunnies” were. The times they took my parents side even when my parents were doing a lot of harm, the fact that there really wasn’t anything substantial to any of the relationships other than my dependency, the fact that many knew of the abuse and did little to nothing. The fact that beyond being normal (AKA not abusive to me) these people really did nothing. The one who came closest to being solid was the priest but I didn’t understand what he was offering me. T wants me to have my “support” people because we are processing a whole lot of trauma... but I don’t want to have to grieve on top of the trauma. I am seeing more and more how much of my life was “hollow bunnies” and how I continue that in my life... because T refuses to be hollow.
T wants me to feel support from outside of him, he wants me to remember safe places... but what if the reality is that there weren’t any? That some were just less harmful?

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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 08:26 PM
  #2
Hugs, Omers...that's a really vivid metaphor. Could some of the people from your past have maybe been rather small, but still solid, chocolate bunnies? Like strong supportive characters. And maybe your T *is* the big solid one in the middle, and that's OK?
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Omers
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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 08:51 PM
  #3
I know the priest was solid I just didn’t understand. The others are not bad people I just misinterpreted normal politeness and kindness as love so very often because of how little I experienced love.
Thankfully T is OK being the one solid one... at least for a while. He even joked that he might need to up his self care.
I guess I just never realized how distorted my thinking was because of how I grew up... now I am and it’s pretty scary.

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There’s been many a crooked path
that has landed me here
Tired, broken and wearing rags
Wild eyed with fear
-Blackmoores Night
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Default Jan 17, 2020 at 08:23 AM
  #4
Thanks for sharing this.

It is, as Lonesome Tonight said, a brilliant metaphor, and helps me to understand a little better the nature of abuse.

Try not to be scared. Understanding is good!

But, yes, it is a sad day when we realises just how messed up our childhoods were. It can come with perfectly justified anger!

Why didn't they save us?

It's heartbreaking, really, and I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I've been pretty avoidant all my adult life of extended family members. There's rage that nobody helped that tiny child who was in such danger. And also, I feel kind of embarrassed around them in some way. Perhaps because there's so much that nobody says.

I'm pleased to tell you that it does get better. Hopefully, we are able to find something in our life that we feel passionate about, and that excitement draws us into the future.

Big hugs to you. And your t. He sounds great.
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