Grieving Therapy

It sounds like you are having second thoughts about stopping therapy. Maybe this isn't the right time to do that. Have you considered that you might need to go back?

No, i dont want to go back. What eates at me is that they both asked me to email them after our final session and then either replied ambiguously letting me understand shed have wanted to talk more or didnt answer at all.

I dont think this is fair....

It probably isn't fair but very little is. Also fair is relative, I believe. I don't know why they told you to write them, but I don't find it surprising they did not write back. Any number of therapists write about the end of therapy being a grieving process for the client even when it goes well by their definition (which I doubt is the same definition a client would use) - I think your grief may be usual and like grief in other areas, it will take time to get through.

One option with MT would be to write him an email of just a line or two (no more!) saying something like, "I was really hoping you'd respond to my previous email. I know I terminated, but would you still be willing to write some sort of reply?" Or something like that. Not going on for paragraphs, but just that.

I grieved the loss of former T for over a year. In some ways I am still grieving. We had to stop therapy because she got sick with MS. For a long time I thought I couldn't live without her. But after lots and lots of agony and pain and grief and tears, I am in fact still here, surviving without her. It's a long process. It's very difficult. Keep talking here if it is helpful. HUGS Kit

If you are sure you don't want to go back to them, your best bet is to write them off and move on. It might seem unfair and/or their answer may not be what you would have expected but there is nothing you can do to change their reactions.

They may be surprised, they may have reacted poorly (e.g. female T), they may not want to 'chase' clients etc. Who knows. These are mere assumptions.

Leaving them was painful enough from what you write. Don't compound it by further analysing, second guessing or torturing yourself.

IF you did want to continue seeing them (nothing wrong with that, either), then tell them. Otherwise, close the chapter and move on with your life. The alternative will only make you feel worse.

Thank you all for your words…

weekends are more bearable because i wouldnt have had contact with them even if i still were their patient.

weekdays make me crazy

im enjoying the weekend sleeping it off...

Thank you Rive,

but you know its not that easy. for me it really is as if they both have died, as if im facing a sudden double grief.

you cant just turn the page, especially when the way we parted wasnt one that made me feel peace but a lot of other negative feelings.

its as if they had an accident and we didnt get to say goodbye in a good way and there are things left unsaid, at least from their part.

its like we met and they both said "next time i'll tell you something" but then they have an accident and im left wondering what is it that they wated to say…. this doesnt help turning the page, it makes me feel stuck hanging and wondering.

and i know theres nothing i can do and thats why im not going to contact them again, but the questions and doubts in my mind remain...

its like we didnt have a real ending, so how can i turn the page?

You are absolutely right, it is not easy.

Unfortunately, the point is that they are withholding what you want i.e. an answer. So, what to do? Going over it in your mind over and over again sounds painful enough and will not resolve the situation. If anything, it just keeps the pain alive.

It is like when you have a wound or a scab, try to distract yourself and not keep picking at the wound.

I am just encouraging you to try and not dwell on these people so much, or the why's of the situation. There is no way to know why. By all means, vent about it but then distract and try to move on. Build other resources, other distractions, other support systems so your mind won't snap back to them and the wound won't seem so fresh. It will take time. It won't happen overnight but you have to try to help yourself.

Thank you Rive.

Thats the best advice i could get.

there is so much left unsaid.

i had all the care and concern and thoughtfulness of not letting them in this place… and then, THEY left me exactly in the same place i have tried to avoid for them to find themselves in.

agan, it seems unfair… punishemnt, anger, or even indifference and thats what hurts the most.

their INDIFFERENCE.

It sounds like you forgot it was you who terminated, not them. They were working with you on your welfare as long as you wanted to. Then you said you were done and they accepted it as they are supposed to. Also it sounds like their door is open for you if you want to continue therapy. Then you need to contact them to tell them so. It might be a good idea. Maybe you were not ready to quit in such short notice.

I am sorry you are hurting so badly, sinking..

i KNOW I terminated them and im fine with it. im not doing well with them wanting me to email them and then not answering at all or answering telling me theres no need for further contact. which IS understandable, but contradicts what she's been saying all the way (that circumastance may change and i may want to come back).

they just reacted like they are not themselves anymore. and im left confused and wanting an explanation but not wanting to ask.

also, today i decided im going to quit going at the mental health center too, which is where id get meds and talking with pdoc.
im DONE with it all. i hate everything, i hate everyone, i hate life and i hate myself and i just cant wait for the end.

It seems to me that they are treating you like an adult who has made an informed decision about your own care. They are taking you at your word and respecting your agency. Maybe this is so painful because it wasn't adult you who terminated with them - maybe it was a younger part of you who pushed them away in the hope that they would come back and hold you. They haven't responded in that way and you are desperate as a result.

Maybe.

but i cant help wndering why asking me to email them and then not answering or answering with something she could have just said in last session??? why hurting me with that last email?

and why acting so differently than in the past?

and what are they feeling about me?

why letting me think there may have been a real closure (where they had things to tell me) and then just disappear. is this the right closure accordingly to them?

and

maybe i just reacted as a child, but the more the time passes the more convinced i am that i dont want to go back.

i just wish we had a better closure where there are no unsaid things from their part, which is what they made me believe with their last contacts….

im really mad, disappointed and hurt and confused. they should have just left it at that, without asking me for one last email. all of this wouldnt have happened!

The thing is, if you feel you want/need closure, then you need to ask them for that. When I terminated with my T back in September, a couple weeks later, I asked if it would be possible to come back in and talk. He agreed, and I ended up deciding to continue seeing him (and am glad I did). But had I not explicitly asked to come in and talk to him, he likely would not have responded anymore to my emails after I terminated (in session). You mention how your T's had said in the past that you could have come back to see them in the future after you'd stopped. Sending them an email talking about the termination and hoping for a response is different from saying "I want another session" or "I want to resume therapy with you." They may still be completely open to that.


From things my T has said, if a client terminates, he likely wouldn't email afterward, unless it was them asking if they can come back in. (If it was a former client just sending an update on their life, he might reply with "thanks for the update, glad you're doing well" or something. But not respond therapeutically.)

So think about what you want. If you want closure (and it seems you do), then ask for an additional session.


Also, I'd be careful in also stopping other counseling and meds so abruptly...

Thank you all for your continuous support, your wise words and advices, but i feel i have my hands tied.

i already asked both if we could have an extra session and neither of them replied or accepted

but reality is that i do not want to go back.

i just would have liked a better reply from fT (one that wouldnt have been triggering) and ANY answrer from mT, after THEY asked me to email them after our final session.

this makes no sense to me and thats why i cant seem to find peace.

I got the sense, though, that when you asked about the extra session, you said you'd go to an additional session if *they* wanted to ask you more/get more answers. So you were offering them an extra session vs. requesting one. Does that make sense? It sounded like you were offering that session for *them* rather than requesting it for you. So it's not that they denied your request for a session. They just said *they* didn't need one. Therapy is supposed to be for the client, not the therapist, so I think they were trying to be ethical.

Thank you. Yes, this makes sense...

Im letting it all go...

So now anger about fT is leaving and sadness is taking its place....

But theres still mT... i.... m..... still stupidly waiting for his answer by email. I cant believe he wont answer. Deadline is feb 13, when we should have met accordingly to his last text. If past that i wont have heard from him at all... then i guess it will all be done and over with for good... but mT cant leave me lile this... not him, not like this... he had promised me... he must keep his word.

I have huge issues with trust. He was one i could believe in and trust... if its not him, its nobody and my issues with trust (not mT or fT) will have cured that a little bit. I can trust nobody. My mom taught me that when i was very little... maybe it was a good lesson to learn...