Grieving Therapy

sinking · 02:29 AM

Today is hard. I dreamed of fT (never happened before in 4yrs), she was calling me saying she had it wrong and we can continue for another month. She was laughing and crying and i was stunned sensing her pain. She said we'd meet mon at 8. Needless to say this morning at 8 i was almost crying and this sadness doesnt seem to want to go away. Now i miss her so much, no matter what.

...and still stupidly waiting for an email from mT.

This will never end. I'll have to kill myself to find some peace. Actually i want peace for myself and also a little bit punish everyone i know, especially close ones for whatever each of them have done to me...

sinking · Jan 27, 2020 at 02:21 AM

I cant work like this i cant live like this, i want to off myself

Rive. · Jan 27, 2020 at 06:49 AM

Wanting to kill yourself because of their non-response really highlights how you were not ready to stop therapy, sinking.

IF you were really okay with ending it with them, you would not be that affected.

Instead, experiencing that amount of distress and your current expectations, suggests that maybe you were testing them... or wanting them to plead with you to stay with them. This (for any decent professional) will not happen. IF you state you want to leave, most will respect that and let you go. However they feel about it, they will not chase you.

sinking · Jan 27, 2020 at 07:03 AM

i know and i dont want to go back or them asking me to go back. i really dont.
i just thought it was easier, i would not feel so alone and not have this feeling of having left with unsaid things, as if the closure werent complete.

i miss them, what can i do?

my whole life was leaning on and rhtymed by T appts. and what i would tell them.
now im lost.
i had the sui plan organized anyway, at least (i thought), i wouldnt have to explain, say goodbye, apologize or feel too much guilt without them around...

elisewin · Jan 27, 2020 at 07:40 AM

Do you have friends or family to turn to for support?

A crisis line or psychiatric ER?

It really sounds like it was not ok to quit all your support. Remember it is ok also to admit it and re-establish the therapy.

sinking · 08:27 AM

Yes but i dont trust anyone to talk about my feelings and i dont want to explain anyone what im doing and why. Im all alone except for this forum.

And i was scared to admit all the truth here too because there are rules and i dont want to break them. (Any time it happened it happened without me knowing so i can even trust what to say here)

I dont trust anyone, i dont trust anyone, not even me. I just have to hang on a bit longer...

sinking · Jan 27, 2020 at 03:45 PM

i tried to not hurt them. they hurt me.
i tried to have a good ending, they havent.
i said goodbye staying open to further contacts, they havent.
i need them, they dont need me.
i dont want to need them either.
i only feel like dk and kt and jump
not doing anything but taking pills but seriously thinking about all this
cant tell anyone
maybe not even here
sorry.

ive been in T for 13 yrs if im not ready now, when? will i ever be ready? i doubt that so i had to follow what was rationally best for everyone
best for everyone

Rive. · Jan 27, 2020 at 05:09 PM

No, therapists don't need clients. Doctors don't need patients. Teachers don't need students. It is a professional relationship, boundaried and mostly time-limited, with the aim to help a client.

It is not the norm for therapists to be open to further contact, once the professional relationship ends. So, by saying goodbye to them, the professional relationship effectively ended. Truth be told, even if you did have the closure session you so ardently wish for, it would still hurt because you would not be seeing them again. There would still be this void. Then what...?

Finally, self-growth takes as long at it takes, sometimes a lifetime, as long as we keep at it. There is no shame in that.

I don't think your decision was rational, and most certainly not best for yourself.

sinking · Jan 27, 2020 at 08:03 PM

Rive,

Well, yes, technically doctors need patients otherwise their profession would be useless, but i get what you mean and i totally agree. I wasnt complaining about it, i was just stating what happened.

Both my Ts have always said that as doctors, they will always be there if needed: as "normal" doctors when you call them for a flu or something worse. They are there in case of need, in case of life changes, in cases of crisis... In that i always felt lucky.

Yes, i know it would still hurt had i had the end i wanted because all ends are painful and thats why i compared it to a death, a loss, a grief...

I think i did well ending therapy, i just wasnt really prepared to the way it ended.

Why not rational and why not best for all???

Rive. · Jan 28, 2020 at 05:46 AM

True, the ending might not be what you wanted to happen but unfortunately, this is part and parcel of life. People let us down, promises are broken, things don’t turn out as expected, the rug is pulled under our feet.

However, your reaction to it all is... disproportionate. This suggests it does not come from a rational but an emotional place. A deep wound or at least trigger (coming from a younger place?) has been touched.

You don’t know what is best for them, sinking. No human being can know what is best for any other single person. This would be mere assumption, mind-reading or projection - not fact.

Finally, wanting to end your life because they did not reach out to you by email, seeing no point to life over it all... How can that be the best option for you?

sinking · Jan 28, 2020 at 07:58 AM

Im thinking about your words Rive. thank you…

but yes, wanting to end my life is the best thing for me and the most wanted thing. i have been chasing it for years and maybe now it will be possible. and this is best for Ts too because they wont be responsible, feel hurt, sad, betrayed, failure or whatever. now THEY ARE FREE FROM ME.

BUT I MISS THEM.... AND I CANT STAND HOW MUCH DIFFERENTLY THAN USUAL THEY HAVE RESPONDED THIS TIME. I CANT CONCEPTUALIZE THIS. ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY. they are not them anymore. what happened to them??? what have i done? what are they thinking and feeling? do they hate and are disgusted by me now??? never loved me a little bit?

i cant stand when plans are ruined and i cant find a way to fix it. now its all ruined. relationships with them are ruined and not fixable. i've lost everything.

im BPD. what has been triggered is ABANDONMENT. (no matter i terminated them, in my mind they left me!)

sinking · Jan 30, 2020 at 04:44 AM

Today is my bday. fT surprised me and sent me a bday whishes text. It made me happy, it moved me but also got me confused. I answered thank you with an emo with tears in the eyes, thank you and a heart. Its not unusual for me to text her with emoticons. I just dont understand why she did it and what she would have expected from me. Did i do right? Anything else or different i could have done or said?

comrademoomoo · Jan 30, 2020 at 05:59 AM

Happy birthday!

There are a million different responses which you could have given and a million other things which you could have done. You will torture yourself by replaying all possibilities.

sinking · Jan 30, 2020 at 01:07 PM

Thank you, its true. i'll never know for sure.

at least fT remembered of me. mT has disappeared and now im more and more afraid he will never answer me back to that last email. i trusted him… maybe he thinks its better this way. i miss both.

im alone.

it would be cruel to go back or re contact any of them. ill try to hold on.

Thank you ALL. and best wishes and love to everyone

Rive. · Jan 30, 2020 at 01:13 PM

Happy birthday to you, sinking

LonesomeTonight · Jan 30, 2020 at 03:37 PM

Hugs and Happy Birthday! My birthday is tomorrow, and I mentioned it a couple times during session (in the context of talking about stuff), but T didn't say anything about it when I was leaving. I wanted to be like, "Wish me a happy birthday!" but that would seem silly. Hoping he'll say something when I see him Monday and mention it. Maybe he's the sort who won't say Happy Birthday till the actual birthday has happened.

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sinking Grand Poohbah Member Since Nov 2012 Location: Italy - but living in my head Posts: 1,709 11 1,218 hugs given	Jan 27, 2020 at 02:21 AM #42 I cant work like this i cant live like this, i want to off myself __________________ * Heaven is a place where Nothing Ever Happens - "Heaven" by Talking Heads * Death ends a life, Not a Relationship - Mitch Albom
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elisewin Veteran Member Member Since May 2017 Location: Earth Posts: 507 6 89 hugs given	Jan 27, 2020 at 07:40 AM #45 Do you have friends or family to turn to for support? A crisis line or psychiatric ER? It really sounds like it was not ok to quit all your support. Remember it is ok also to admit it and re-establish the therapy.
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comrademoomoo Grand Poohbah Member Since Feb 2019 Location: Toodlepip Posts: 1,711 5	Jan 30, 2020 at 05:59 AM #53 Happy birthday! There are a million different responses which you could have given and a million other things which you could have done. You will torture yourself by replaying all possibilities.
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Jan 30, 2020 at 01:13 PM #55 Happy birthday to you, sinking
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