Changing bounderies

I know there were post like this before but not for a while. The situation has been going on for a months but after a series of discussions my therapist decided they don't want to read my emails anymore unless they open then up with me in session. Initially they were saying its for my benefit because I express things in emails that I struggle to talk about but not I think it boils down to them not being willing to invest time in reading them. I would say all of what I write probably takes max 15 minutes to read so in a scale of week that's insignificant but in a scale of session that's 1/4-1/3 of the time we have. As much as I understand that this is their private time and that they want to keep it free from therapy commitments the message is I am getting out of this is: 'I am not invested enough to care about you outside of the time you pay for' all sort of negative emotions come up as I've continues expressed how important the emails are for me. Am I having unrealistic expectation? I think it bothers me that they try to frame it in such a way that they are the 'good therapist making sure I get most out of it because emails are distracting'...

Yes, as painful as it is, it is an unrealistic expectation. Therapy happens in the room. It seems unrealistic to expect them to invest, if only 15 minutes on a client. If most clients did that, they would not have time to breathe.

It it not typically in their job description to reply to emails. That is a lot to expect and not reasonably sustainable anyway.

It is a job and there are limits and boundaries.

It depends on the therapist, unfortunately. I've seen Ts who spend time on my stuff between sessions, more than 15 minutes, and some that keep everything for the room. I think long emails are tricky because things can be misunderstood, but if you're only expecting the T to read them rather than respond, there's nothing wrong with that in my book and some Ts do it. It really comes down to how much time your T is willing and able to put in but I don't think your expectations are wrong. It's just important to bear in mind that it won't be okay for all Ts and obviously your T is one of them.

I’ve just been through this with my now ex T. For me it wasn’t so much the fact that no email contact was his boundaries it was the sudden change from it being allowed to then not at all with no real explanation. It really hurt me and made me feel like I was being rejected and he didn’t care at all. I couldn’t see the reason for the sudden change, I never expected him to respond and my emails were relatively short and only one email between sessions.
So I can relate to how you’re feeling in terms of feeling like they now just can’t be bothered to invest time in to you.
I guess it comes down to whether you can move past these feelings and accept the new boundaries or if that is too hard then maybe start to look for another T. I ended up terminating with my T, the change in boundaries with no valid reason as well as various other things led me to feeling extremely rejected and hurt by how he had treated me and I knew the best thing was for me to terminate even though at the moment I’m finding it extreme hard to deal with the fact he is no longer my T.
I don’t think your reaction is unfair or unacceptable, I think it’s completely understandable.

One session T and I were talking about one of my support people and how after an email exchange with them I was feeling scared and defensive even though it was a positive email. I finally just handed T my iPad with the email pulled up. OMG I was shocked at how long it took T to read that one short email! Since then I have made my emails a lot shorter and bullet style as opposed to full sentences. It never dawned on me that not everyone reads at the same rate I do.
have worked retail all my life. I worked for one family owned company I loved! They were opening a new store and everyone was scrambling to get it open with the owners there 12+ hrs per day 7 days a week. I went in and worked off the clock because I cared about them and the store. I got fired!!! It is against the law for me to work off the clock for them even though they never asked. Had I gotten hurt or something I would have ruined their business. I know T doesn’t have as much chance of getting caught working “off the clock” but if it is illegal for me why should it be OK for him?
My T sees clients Mon-Thur for 8hrs a day. He works with mostly couple but individuals and families as well. Not every client sees him every week. I think it is safe for me to assume he has about 50 clients at any given time. What he does for me he has to be willing to do for everyone so if everyone sent a 10 min email that is another whole day in the office and he still has phone calls, paperwork and housekeeping responsibilities! So to answer emails does he see clients one less day a week and not receive payment for that day? Or does he short his wife and family that extra day a week that they will never get back with him? Maybe he shorts himself and does less self care but then burns out. Or he builds in 15min of consultation time to his fee so that every client pays for him to read an email every session if they send one or not? It doesn’t seem like much but it adds up fast.
I know without a doubt that T cares about me A LOT! And it isn’t about the money. His job is to be my doctor though and that is how he helps to support his family. The relationship to with me, the feelings he has towards me are real and genuine just like any other relationship they are not the job. Emails are a part of therapy, a part of that job, they are not a part of that relationship.

15 minutes for an email is actually a rather large amount of time, and what do you expect the therapist to actually do with that email? If your only desire is for it to be read but you don't want to talk about it, maybe a therapy journal is more what you need, where you write down what you want to share with your therapist (what you would have emailed). Bring that with you to session and decide there what you want to spend time going over in session.

The thing is, while technically it may only take 15 minutes to read the email, there is additional time that the therapist spends thinking about that email and considering what you want done with the email -- what should the response be in session, etc. My guess is the therapist wants to discuss the content of those emails in session because they deserve that attention, and the therapy session is where that kind of discussion really needs to happen. Email is notoriously fraught with misinterpretation, misunderstanding, delay in communication, etc. Many therapist simply will not do therapy via electronic means, and a 15 minute email is probably going far beyond scheduling questions, etc. That email deserves the attention in session where you can truly dialogue about what is in that email.

Do you think T would be open to cutting back and working towards weaning off emails rather than an abrupt stop?

T one day told me she felt she was doing me a disservice because of all the emails we sent back and forth. She did say she would he there for emergencies of if I REALLY needed her. We discussed it and she did agree that just stopping cold turkey was unfair so we agreed that I would really try to work things out on my own before reaching out. When I emailed her she wanted to know what I had tried. I did end up cutting back partially because I was afraid if I didnt she would stop them all together.

Omers, I know what you mean about it taking a T a long time to read an email/notes in session. But I think they're trying to take time to really process what the client is saying instead of just reading quickly. At least that's how I've seen it. In terms of replying to emails, my T actually told me he tends to take longer with mine than with those of other clients, to think about what I'm looking for and how I might react to what he said in reply (because I've reacted negatively before and/or not taken what he said in the way he meant it). That at times he'll type something up, then put it aside for a bit. It helped to know how much time he puts into them. I've also learned to become much more to the point with him (I used to write long, rambling emails to ex-T and ex-MC). And to actually say what it is I'm looking for, like, "I could just use some supportive words right now" or "Just making sure you're still OK with what I told you in session" or "Just letting you know--we can discuss more next session."


My T has a policy where if an email takes him less than 15 minutes to read and respond to, he won't charge for it. If it takes longer, or there are really frequent, shorter emails, he will charge his hourly rate in 15-minute increments. So he might charge $45 if it took close to a half hour or $90 if it took much longer than that. I've been charged maybe 8-10 times over 2 years. I've usually said something like, "I understand you may need to charge me for this." (Or, if I don't want a long reply, "Brief, free reply preferred, and we can discuss more in session.") And there have been a couple times where he's said he took longer than 15 minutes, but opted not to charge me. Or he took closer to 45 minutes, but is only charging for a half hour. The thing is, the ones he charges for are long, detailed replies. Like 5 multi-sentence paragraphs.

This policy bothered me at first. Ex-T and ex-MC never charged for outside contact, whether email (though ex-T rarely replied, just read them), text, or phone calls (even 45-minute ones with ex-MC). However, there were times when the outside contact led to conflicts. Like when I said something to ex-T about how I wished she'd at least said *something* in reply to an email I sent her where I was rather distressed, and she said how my emails had kept getting longer and longer, that she only had so much time, that she needs to give the same amount of time to each client (even though most of her clients didn't email). It caused a bit of a rupture, especially because she only shared this in response to my asking. And it seemed like she'd been annoyed by it for a while.


Current T said that a big part of why he charges is to avoid feeling any resentment toward his clients for outside contact. That if he's getting compensated for his time, he's not going to be annoyed (well, I imagine if I emailed him a long email daily maybe...). And I've come to appreciate that. He's also said that I tend to use email differently than any of his other clients--often sending a brief email. Where other clients who use email will just occasionally send a longer one, where it's obvious they want a long reply. Or might send something like, "Tomorrow I want to discuss x." While I'll sometimes reach out for reassurance or support. He came up with a sort of email level system for me, because I was never clear when he'd start charging for frequent emails. Sort of like the US Homeland Security threat thing, with green, yellow, orange, and red (he later admitted it may not have been the best choice of comparisons!) So I can say something like "What level am I?" if I want to send an email and am unsure if I might get charged. The system helps me consider how much I really do want/need to email him. I did point out to him once that I see him twice a week, so in theory, I should probably get more email than clients who only attend weekly or biweekly (because he's said a bit of email is built into his fee). He said he hadn't really thought of that. So I'm wondering if the reason he hasn't charged me in the past few months is that he's considered that.

Another thing is, he's told me (in answer to my questions) that he'd let me know early on if any of my contact with him bothers him, before it would turn into a big thing. (He doesn't allow phone calls except in rare circumstances, and texting is only for scheduling.) And he's seemed to keep to his word. He also said he'd never take away replying to emails (he always replies in some way--I mean, not to me just saying "Thanks for your reply") because he offered that at the beginning and doesn't think he'd be fair to take it away partway through. I agree with this, and it bothers me how many people's T's seem to just suddenly stop replying to emails or allowing them all together. It seems like something they should talk through with the client if it's becoming an issue, to work together on how to handle it (like "You can send me one email of no more than 150 words a week"), or at least wean the client off of it, not suddenly stop. So I hate that your T did that, ForgetMeNot


ForgetMeNot--is it possible you could propose something to your T where you'd pay for emails? Assuming that's something you'd be able to do financially. No idea if your T would agree to that, but it's worth a try. For the time it takes T to read in session, maybe work on shortening the email before you go, figuring you can always discuss more after he reads it? Like try to get it down to more of a 5-minute read, for example. Once you start doing that regularly, it gets easier. Like, "What do I really want him to get from this email? Is there any info in here that he doesn't need?" For example, I've started cutting out things like, "Sorry to bother you, but..." or "I hope it's OK that I'm emailing again" because that takes time to read.


(Perhaps I should apply that same editing to this post...)

This is extremely surprising that patients are allowed to email their therapists. I've been to tons of therapists, and none of them give out their email address. It is understood that ALL THERAPY takes place in the therapist's office. On the new patient forms, it is noted that if there is a crisis, the crisis line is available. If there is an emergency, the patient is to call 911 or get to the Emergency Room.

Many of them explain that they need to "recharge their batteries" after hours in order to be effective in session. They can't just keep using up all of their energy and have nothing left for their sessions.

Maybe I missed something but I thought he said you could still email it was just that he would wait until your session to read and discuss. Personnally I would think that if it was important enough to email about then it should be important enough to discuss in session. If not you could just say to ignore the email at the beginning of your session.

I occasionally write a eather lengthy letter and send it by email to my T. This is only when I am totally freaking out about something or when ai am upset with something he said or did. It allows me to really think about what I want to say and how I want to say it. I never send it more than a day before my next session. T rarely responds beyond the occassional thank you for writing this and see you next session. He does ALWAYS read the email during session and respond as he goes. I am pretty sure he reads it vefore session too since he knows it is rare I send anything and usually something he needs to think about how to respond to ahead of time.

T are there to help us learn to deal with overwhelming emotions on our own without constantly needing using them as a crutch. I think it is good that he wants to read and discuss uour emails in session. His responses may help you to start to deal with your issues on your own and eventually not need to send them at all. Try to look at it with an open mind. Therapy is hard work and T are meant to challenge us so we can grow on our own.

Honestly this is why I do online therapy.

I express myself better in writing.

I do therapy better when I time to reflect before responding.

With online I have the ability to write my T as much as a want whenever I want. He responds about 10 times per week. I get my 50 minutes of therapy time in about 5 minute increments. Sometimes we video/audio, if the conversation calls for that. We've exchanged 151,000 words in about a year

Basically it solves the email stress issue and totally works for me. Disclaimer: mileage may vary depending on your therapy goals, preferences, and the therapist quality.

Thanks everyone for the replies. It made me reflect on how my expectations might be too high. Looking back at what happened in this weeks session I was trying to determine what upset me so much.. As the title is boundy change this is more what I was referring too.
As I started therapy with my T i specifically asked about emailing knowing how much I tend to rely on emails. My Ts initial answer was 'there are no rules around it'. So I kept sending emails and it was OK. I don't feel like it was ever an overwhelming amount or that they increased or changed in time.. Not more than the actual therapeutic relationship anyway. They did say multiple times I express more in emails than in person and we talked it. But we agreed that we can bring the emails more into session - fine with me. I started last session in unusually ok mood and w talkimg about how things are progressing better and then after a bit of a chit chat he just said 'I've decided not to open you emails until we are in session' so the rest of the time we spend the time with me trying to react to that. This wasn't entirely unexpected because he was hinting in it before. While they came to this conclusion I was actually thinking the opposite the past week reaffirming how much I found the emails helpful.
I felt put on the spot. Uneasy with feeling clearly upset. They didn't act empathically and told me I reacted like i teenager who doesnt have her way. From being happy at the beginning of a session which is unusual I walked out very unsure.
I don't know maybe I just expected to much to start with...

Maybe they did it to help the sessions to be more productive while learning to open up more and about the issues that are diffucult and/or important? They said you can still email, right? And the email opened in the session might help you bring up the issues you need to talk.

With more information it sounds like T didn’t handle it the best way IMO either.
My T and I talked a lot about a support he offered me. I decided not to accept that support because I felt that as soon as I was doing better he would take it away and I would feel punished for doing better. T was shocked that other T’s would take a support away when someone was doing better. The other thing my T has done every time boundaries have changed is change them as part of a discussion. The discussion may not change the outcome but he is gentle and makes sure I feel that he fully understands my side of it. Every time we have discovered that what I am really wanting is not the specific thing he is setting a boundary on and we have found a better way to meet the need.
So, yeh, going into a session in a good space and loosing something you feel helped you get to that good space totally sucks! Then being called a teenager for grieving the loss of something valuable to you? That just doesn’t sit well with me.

I just have a bit more time to reply in more details. I did not expect for this to bother me that much but I keep coming back to the conversation we has last session.
For more context. I went away for a few months so wasn't able to have sessions. I didnt know if I would come back to therapy but as I finished my last session before the break I emailed to ask if I can still stay in touch. T. took some time to think about it and initially suggested they will spend the usual 1h replying and reading emails and charge me for that.. I was perfectly fine with this arrangement and explained it to them. A week or so later T changed their mind and said I was OK to email but they won't charge as it seems unfair. Another fine with me. I was extremely appreciatve for the time T did spend reading and replying to my emails. I enjoyed writing and reading the emails and for me it was a bit of a breakthrough with how I felt about our therapy. T was very open about his experiences in emails. I emailed a lot more when we didn't have sessions but never expected more than they were willing to offer in terms of replies or reading emails.
Last week as T told me they will only read/open emails in sessions they also said it was a mistake to reply to emails when I was away. This also made me upset because I think they shouldn't have thrown that at me.
I could suggest paying for the extra time now but I think they are generally suggesting I am getting too attached. This to me is a completely wrong assumptions one that I dont feel comfortable with.
I really do think that it all has been mishandled. I almost feel like I am being dragged into something that is their own personal turmoil what their bounderies are and when i try to react in an honest way I get told I act like a teenager.
As mentioned in my previous reply I do think the session was about them and not me. I wanted to talk about other things but their firm declaration threw me off.

Hugs, thanks for the further explanation. That would also really bother me to hear they thought it was a mistake to respond while you were out of town. And that's even with your offering to pay.


It makes me think of when my ex-marriage counselor said his door was always open to me, meaning me individually--I'd had a couple individual sessions with him to address my transference for him (H knew about this), and he'd told me that at the end of the second session. It meant a lot to me. A few (maybe more?) months later, I ended up asking for another individual session. He said no, but wouldn't give a reason, just saying he'd changed his mind. Finally, he said that he shouldn't have said that ("My door is always open to you") in the first place and realized as soon as he'd said it that he'd made a mistake. And that really hurt. Because it had meant so much to me at the time.

Back to the emailing--I just don't think it's right when T's make unilateral, sudden decisions like that. It's one thing if they were to discuss it with you and come up with a solution together. But to just declare what they're going to do from here on out, without consulting you, doesn't seem fair. And yes, it does seem more about the T. I'd definitely talk to your T about why this is bothering you. And depending on what they say, whether that's something you can accept going forward, or if you might want to consider looking for a new T (if that's an option).

It does sound like they are trying to figure out the boundaries around the use of technology with clients, and you are caught in that adjustment phase. It does sound unsettling.

But it also sounds like they are at least actively and cognitively considering and reconsidering their policy and its impact and effectiveness, trying to get to a place and a policy that they feel works both for them and for their clients. I give them credit for being thoughtful about this; I think too many don't put any actual thought into it all all.

But yes, it is unsettling to be on the receiving end of these adjustments. That is understandable.

I struggle with how to approach it next time. I did say that i might want to continue at all not because I was angry but because it really wasn't the first time I question if this is the right fit and we talked about it. So this is where the comment came that I act like a teenager. Part of me thinks that it really is not even worth exploring. It is what it is... I either take it or leave it. They said I will probably struggle finding anyone who will be OK with emails maybe if understand its not an option from the beginning it will be easier

I work far more hours than my T, and set aside a few hours after dinner to return client email. I can’t think of a professional who doesn’t. My T emails with me, but I don’t ever email him on his weekly four day weekend. Sometimes he emails me first. It is nice of him not to charge. I don’t agree therapists should have some special status in which email is tragically difficult for them, when the rest of us have to respond to our clients. They get to call an hour 45 minutes .

I feel your pain. I went through a similar situation with my T over a year ago where he chose to stop responding to my emails after he had been responding for a year. I felt like I had the rug pulled out from under me. I am generally conscientious and polite and a rule follower, so this made me feel like I’d done something wrong. It could have ended our relationship, but didn’t. In my case, I was emailing about all sorts of things, but wasn’t very present in session and I think he finally decided that he thought his email responses weren’t helping me. I think he was probably right, but it still sort of hurts to think about and we still talk about it from time to time. He has always said he will read whatever I send, although at the time he said he wouldn’t reply. Just over a year later, I’m finding that our relationship has evolved and I am more present in session. Just last week I told him, “for someone who said he wasn’t going to respond to my emails, you sure respond to my emails a lot. It’s kind of confusing for me.” He admitted that it was confusing for him too. So I think T’s are sometimes trying to figure it all out and it can probably be quite different from client to client and even the relationship with the same client can change over time. Good luck to you.