Confused and angry

H knows that I am triggered. I am emotional and highly volatile right now. I know this goes back to around 5th grade where I stopped some developmental things because of trauma. At that time I became very reactive and violent. T accidentally triggered it with the affirmation stuff (at that age I very much did not want to be seen and the affirmation stuff feels hugely invasive.) H doesn’t understand how affirming me can be a trigger but he is angry that T didn’t know it would be a trigger “It’s his job”. *sigh*... so... T is somewhat on the clue bus, I am using my skills to get to my next session Monday and see what we can do... AND... H is pissed. Pissed at T so tonight he makes me look at the background screen on his phone. It is a picture of me he KNOWS is a trigger! He got angry as hell at me when I told him that it was a trigger! So I told him it wasn’t appropriate. Now he is angry as a wet cat but “not” pissed at me, just “F*ing angry as hell he doesn’t know if he is talking to a 3yr old, 8yr old, 5th grade or a 42yr old. So he is screaming at the animals and slamming doors.

T has already shared his strong disappointment in my H and is frustrated with the amount of time we spend in session talking about H. H is very clearly interfering with my ability to do the work I need to do in therapy.

How much is reasonable to expect H to understand about trauma therapy? T will not let him come to a session for several (valid) reasons. I have tried explaining. I am not DID, H is not dealing with alters he is dealing with me at 42 trying to be 42 but sometimes getting sucked back into being 13 again. The only “weird” thing is that I have done enough work in therapy to know where things come from.

I don't know your situation but my H totally does not understand trauma. He wants to and wants to be supportive and loving but often misses the mark. He had the "perfect" childhood. Is your husband will to do any type of counseling with you?

H so far will not. He says he will do marriage counseling but not until after my trauma therapy. H has some really crazy ideas of what therapy is/isn’t and what it will do too. He gets really mad that I like T and look forward to our time together. H thinks a T’s job is to break you down into nothing and then put you together again. He also thinks that therapy will make me a girly girl and that he knows I have healed when I am wearing pink and doing my hair and nails.
H says he had a normal/healthy childhood but many of his behaviors as well as those of his brother and sister suggest he is not telling me (or himself) something.

Hugs. This all sounds awful. Are you naturally a “girly girl” and H is waiting for you to get back to the way you are normally? Or does he want you to be something you’re not??

I totally understand what you said earlier about not having DID, but going through regression at times. I went through this too in Oct/Nov as more memories started coming back (I have traumatic amnesia).

Fortunately my closest supports (Dad and close friend) tried their best to understand what was going on with me. But I also feel lucky that because I don’t have a partner, I was able to have alone time to deal with it. It must be really challenging having H around when he doesn’t understand your childlike states .

I am a total tomboy. I do have long hair but I work on a farm (previously worked retail) and typically wear men’s clothing. I don’t have a problem cleaning up for say a date (with H) or something and I clean up pretty good. But I have never been the pink, foo foo type. My mother used to dress me all up when I was real little but dad kinda raised me as a boy and I took to the jeans and outdoors.
H knew I had a trauma history before we married and said he was familiar with trauma and trauma work. This all started when T told me to take care of my inner child. I had a baby blanket when I was really little that I took everywhere so I made a replica of that. As I got a little older I had a specific stuffed animal... now, this was 35 yeas agoand the store only made that specific animal one year. I saw one on eBay that, even after 35 years, was almost new condition so I bought it to comfort the slightly older inner child. I still have the original one but he is a bit tattered. H got real judgmental even though I keep all that stuff in my craft room and set up a safe feeling spot for hard days. Anyway, H was so judging about the stuffed animal T suggested leaving the new one at his office so I didn’t have to deal with H!
The only other thing that is changed is before if I was in a bad mood/space we just called it a bad mood. Now if I am in a bad mood I stop and think about it. Am I just having a bad day? Is it hormones? Did something from my past get kicked up. I am discovering that most of my bad days are days when something happened that would have upset me as a 5th grader and I am still reacting out of a 5th grader mentality. But I have always done this I just never bothered to look any deeper than saying it is a bad day.
In Hs world self care for a woman means getting your hair done and/or going shopping. Not even things like a hot bath or curling up with tea and a good book make sense to him as self care.

I'm so sorry that your H isn't giving you what you need. Actually like the opposite. I don't think our spouses/partners need to understand trauma therapy or therapy in general. I DO think that they shouldn't foist their personal **** on us when we're struggling, especially in the guise of being helpful. He needs to deal with his own stuff. He's angry? Ok. Deal with it (but not in like the angry teenager way of hurling doors). My H has done something similar, gotten angry or frustrated when really what I wanted so desperately was calm or soothing or validation. He thought he was being protective or helpful or something, but it felt very threatening. And I felt like I needed to help with his reaction too.

Oh, and your H's entire gendered idea of how women should behave? Uh WHAT?!? I don't think that wearing pink or whatever gendered stereotype is ever a metric of mental health. So maybe that merits a discussion whenever you feel well? You sound like you're doing such good work, such brave work! And I'm sorry your H doesn't sound like he quite gets it.

And just a by the way, I thought I was the only one who struggled with affirmations!! I was supposed to work with self-compassion (my therapist works a lot with mindfulness and meditation), but I just. could. not. do. it. The whole self-compassion thing made me literally want to punch myself and vomit. And honestly, I'm not like a violent person. And yeah...unfortunately, I know where the punching thing stems from, but knowing doesn't solve anything, right? I can't make myself talk to myself like a young child or my best friend. Ugh. Nauseating. Anyway, hope things are better.

Yes! I am typically not violent but the affirmations push the buttons of me around 13 and I can get very violent towards others and myself. I don’t think H has any idea what extreme rage can inable a poorly inhibited 13 year old in survival mode to do! I think letting him see a picture of me at that age didn’t help... my mother made sure I always looked perfect and girly, little foo foo dress with ruffles, perfect hair and just the right smile...
TBH I don’t even need emotional support from him (don’t get me wrong it would be really nice but...) if he just wanted to stay out of the therapy process that would be fine. I get it, it is trauma, not everyone can handle it. But yes, having to field his anger makes things worse. Today is a sad day of subtle setbacks.
Monday I think I am going to have to tell T no for the first time. We have a beginning ritual every session that I am usually OK with. As set off as I am right now I think I am going to need a break from it. I know T will be OK with it (confused, scared and sad but OK). But with H screaming at me (that he wasn’t angry at me) is going to make it 100 times harder to sheepishly tell T no.

I am very fortunate/thankful that I have a T that practices what he teaches. He even showed me the picture of himself that he uses when affirming his inner child and the things he tells him. He has even shared some of the times it has been especially hard for him and that it still takes work for him to do it. So he gets that it is hard. He does not quite get why it is so triggering for me (along with the other times I have triggered). He is so very cautious around anything trauma but I can talk about that all day long. My triggers lie elsewhere... usually in this little 13 year old and her very threatened existence.

Yikes. That is really scary sounding.

Omers, I'm sorry that things are rough right now, and that your husband is adding to your stress. I find it crazy and confusing that he has such a limited view of self-care, and he sounds kind of unreasonable (i.e. in the sense that trying to explain/talk to him about this stuff wouldn't likely work).

*hugs* if that's OK. Hoping things are a little calmer today, and it sounds like you're seeing T tomorrow, right?

Yes, hugs are OK, thanks.

T agrees that H’s idea of “therapy” is scary. T sees breaking someone down as the total opposite of being human yet alone of being a therapist.

IF I could continue to see T and leave H at this point I would at least be separating until H agreed to marriage counseling but more likely just leaving. Right now I do not have the ability to earn enough to support myself and see T as I have too many other high expenses.

I do get to see T today and it will most likely just be a session of nurturing and support. T is (rightfully IMO) upset at how much H is interfering with my work weather or not it is intentional. I know T will be sad and worried that today what I need from him is to feel safe and loved and it might not be a day for work beyond that. There may be a silver lining of sorts in this as I think it has pushed me to a place where I will most likely honor those younger parts more in session today and may allow T closer to them even if I don’t want T to work with them.

H has just gotten downright ridiculous.

Screaming at the animals and slamming doors doesn't sound like 42-year-old behavior either to be honest. More like 7 maybe.

A therapy relationship that one person has can cause some stress in a marriage. I'm not saying that is a reason to not go to therapy, but it is a close relationship with someone who is not your spouse. That can make the spouse either jealous, protective, or sometimes both. My husband is generally fine with me going to therapy as long as I'm getting along with the therapist. When I'm not, and get angry at her it affects my emotional stability which obviously affects him, and that causes him stress and he has gotten very angry at the therapist.

Today with T went well. He is sad that I don’t have more support or more options. He provided me with my safe space to cry and be sad but to feel loved and supported. We didn’t talk much but what little we did say helped T to understand me a lot better. T agreed that sometimes it is hard for him because my triggers are different from a lot of other people he has worked with. He is also starting to understand better how different some of my trauma is because of the unique dynamics in my family. He understands now why the affirmations were so hard and that I was trying my best and that there was a reason I couldn’t go there. He was glad I felt comfortable enough to tell him no and he was glad that he didn’t react in a way that made me feel judged. But, mostly he supported me while I cried about how much the trauma still rules my life even if it isn’t obvious.

I'm glad it went well, Omers.