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vander512
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 11:03 AM
  #1
I recently got into trouble recently and I believe T will terminate me. She previously warned me that she would terminate me if I didn't make changes. I have for the most part.

I know if I tell my T what happened she will fire me. I don't want to disclose to her what I did, but at the same time it feels dishonest to not tell her. How do I break the news to her?

She is going to say that she is unable to help me and that I need to find someone else. I dont want to hear any nonsense. For example: she is a lousy T if she fires you, you deserve better. That isn't productive really.

How can I break the news to her in a way that she agrees to let me stay?
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 11:22 AM
  #2
This seems highly dependent on what it is you did that you think she's going to terminate you for. A very general answer is that if she's made up her mind, you're probably not going to sway her.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 11:24 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by vander512 View Post
How can I break the news to her in a way that she agrees to let me stay?
I don't think there's any way to tell her that *guarantees* that she lets you stay. You said you didn't want to hear any nonsense, so I'm trying to be straight with you. Unfortunately, at the end of the day, Ts can "fire" clients at will, for any reason, and that's totally their choice. Even if they say they won't, they can (and do!)

I guess, in your position, I'd be thinking about the following:

1. How important is it (really) that you tell her? I'm generally a big fan of honesty, especially in therapy, but I'd want to evaluate whether or not this was something that I could live with (and that I could remember to not accidentally mention in talking about other things), and if there's anyway that T could find out in another way.

2. If I decided to tell her, I'd probably write something out, to get my thoughts organized.

It would be something like this:

- I'd talk about how she had threatened to fire me (briefly, for context)
- I'd remind her of the changes I'd made (to show that I *was* doing the work)
- I'd tell her that there was something difficult that I needed to say, that I was concerned about her reaction, but that I felt it was important to be honest.
- I'd tell her what happened.
- If you've taken steps to help it not happen again, I'd mention that. IE "here's my plan to make sure this doesn't happen again."
- I'd be really careful to not make excuses. I think it's hard, there's a fine line between "here's why this happened" and "I'm not responsible, because this other thing made me do it!"
- I'd be upfront and tell her that I don't want to stop working with her, and I hope she can appreciate my honesty and the "good work we've done together" (it's a T-phrase!) so far, and remind her of whatever things I was doing to prevent this thing from happening again

There's no way to know if that all would work though. It's really, at the end of the day, up to the T... how she views what you did, how she views the changes you've made, etc.

Good luck with it.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 12:45 PM
  #4
Therapists do not "fire" clients. You are not her employee. Therapy is a service she provides that is supposed to help you achieve your goals. Even if you feel emotionally attached to her, if this therapist doesn't help you, then you should move on.

I think you should be honest with your therapist, tell her what you did and how that came to happen. Talk with her about what you can do in the future to prevent these things from happening, make a good faith effort at implementing whatever plan the two of you come up with. If she refers you elsewhere, it's not a punishment, just recognition that things aren't working and you may need to see someone else.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 01:01 PM
  #5
What did you do? I ask this because it makes a big difference. For example, if you were to keep getting arrested for beating people up, I could see why she wouldn't want to continue to see you.

You should just tell her what you did. If you did something violent (I am not saying that you did), it doesn't matter how you say it to her. She would be concerned about her safety and others working at the office.

Also, therapists don't "fire" patients when they terminate them. You hired her to help you.

Last edited by Shotokan; Jan 26, 2020 at 03:26 PM..
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 01:32 PM
  #6
I think being honest with her is the best policy. She can only help you and i think if she is seeing change in you that will make a big difference.I will share with you one issue i had in therapy a few years ago.


I used to have a big issue with drinking alcohol. My former t did threaten to terminate me because i was not helping myself or making a effort. I sit back today and i am glad she did not take pity over me but helped me take some personal responsibilty for my drinking. It took me along time to get sober but i am 26 months sober. I did have a few slips, and I expected her to terminate me each time, she saw i was making a effort to correct that and finally i was able to get out of that cycle. She did end up terminating me because my issues where no longer in her field. Therapist relize we will make mistakes and are very willing to help us out if we can be honest and make a effort. T's wont terminate easy if they do then they are not that good. Be honest and i hope for the best for you. Yes it seems scary but it will be okay.

I just want to add i am 2 years and a little over 2 months sober, no relapse since i finally quit, it took along time.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 01:59 PM
  #7
First off, I don't think she'd be a lousy T if she fired you. Boundaries are part and parcel of the therapeutic work.

As to your question, it depends. Your post is rather vague i.e. what you specifically did and her specific boundaries around not changing. Hence, it is difficult to advise.

IF you know with 100% certainty that she will fire you for doing whatever it is you did and IF you still want to work with her, I wouldn't tell her. But I would try not to do it again or get help (with T) re not doing it.

I, personally, believe in being honest. So, I would tell her: 'T, I improved in areas a, b and c and this is what I did (and illustrate) but I am really struggling in area d. Can you help me?' And take it from there.

That being said, this is me and I have no idea what you did or where her boundaries stand.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 02:13 PM
  #8
First - take back your power is my suggestion. You hire them - they can quit but they can't fire you - you are the employer.
Second - therapists are not good human beings and some can handle things and some cannot. If a therapist quits because of something a client did outside of the therapy appointment - they are a lousy therapist. You don't have to put up with lousy therapists. Find one who is not so overly sensitive or goofy or give you ultimatums.
Finally - you do not have to tell the therapist anything - they are not owed any information. Only tell them what you want help with. They are not priests or your parents - they do not have the ability to absolve/forgive/judge you - that is not their place - keep them in their place and don't give them power over you.

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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 03:21 PM
  #9
I agree with stopdog that a good therapist should be able to handle and work through any info that is brought to them. If they can't, they are inexperienced or incompetent or at least not the right therapist for you.

I dont know what the definition of "good human being" is.
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 04:52 PM
  #10
I don’t know how we can really say that therapists “aren’t good human beings”. Same as in any walks of life and every career path some people are good and some aren’t. Sadly I have met some ignorant people who are literally convinced that every lawyer is a liar and every doctor is a crook and etc etc etc Now every therapist is a bad human being. These kind of statements serve no purpose and have no basis in reality plus for all we know some of the members here are therapists
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 04:59 PM
  #11
Vander, sorry you are struggling. Therapist can’t really fire you as you don’t work for them. They could refuse services or refer you elsewhere etc but in fact you can fire them and not the other way around.

I don’t believe you are under obligation to share everything. I recommend you share what you feel you should share in order to get help but not stuff that is irrelevant. In the past I saw therapist dealing with grief over death of a family member. I shared what pertained to my grief. I felt zero obligation to share anything else that I didn’t need help on.

Did whatever you do has something to do with therapist in some way? Like you stole from them or scratched their car on purpose (just silly examples)? If not then you might not need to tell her
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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 06:01 PM
  #12
Therapists will protect themselves inwardly and outwardly. I think it is a morally bereft profession and its practitioners the same. I understand not everyone agrees.
The idea that a therapist can tell a client what to do or how to behave or not behave outside of the interaction at the appointment is absurd to me and I would not put up with a therapist who thought it was their place to do so. Again I urge clients to not give their power away to a therapist.

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Default Jan 26, 2020 at 09:50 PM
  #13
Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
Finally - you do not have to tell the therapist anything - they are not owed any information. Only tell them what you want help with. They are not priests or your parents - they do not have the ability to absolve/forgive/judge you - that is not their place - keep them in their place and don't give them power over you.
I think this is what I am going to do. I need her support but I can do with out her trying to leverage me. In this case lying by omission or not being 100% transparent are acceptable.
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Default Jan 27, 2020 at 01:01 AM
  #14
I think if you want help with your situation, then it makes sense to tell her what happened. That would be the only way that you can get better.
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Default Jan 27, 2020 at 04:48 AM
  #15
By default I do not think therapists are terrible human beings.

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