Help! How bad is this?

Hi. I accidentally posted this under romantic feelings but actually there is nothing romantic about why I’m doing this craziness. Sorry for the double-post 😬

Hi! I need your insights. My T knows there’s stuff that I can’t/won’t tell him. He is so gentle and kind and encouraging when he explains that as long as I deliberately choose not to say things out of fear of rejection etc, we won’t be able to process, work through them so I can get past the guilt.

Anyway, the thing is that with my previous therapist, I got pretty obsessed. I saw him as a father figure who cared and listened unlike my own. I was so connected with him that I would drive by his house.. I’d never park, but I’d drive by. I scoured Facebook for hints about his life. I just so wanted to know him because he was so kind. He would offer insights from his outside life. It wasn’t really off limits. When we talked, it soothed me and somehow this other stuff helped me get through between sessions. When he hospitalized me, he visited me there to help me heal.

When I learned he was terminally ill, I was devastated. He handpicked a new therapist for me and encouraged me to begin transitioning to working with him. When my first therapist passed, it was this new therapist who helped me walk through it. He was grieving too as this was his friend. He also helped work through the fact that during the last few months my first therapist was harsh with me. I ached over that.

I’ve done some obsessing over my new therapist. I’m so intrigued. He’s not married but I’m dying to know if he has a significant other. I’ve driven past his house and actually parked. I knew he was out of town and I wanted to know which unit he lived in. I think it’s something about curiosity about this person who knows so much about me and I know so little about him. And maybe I want to visualize where he might be during the rest of the week. I search the internet for hints as to his professional activities.

I’d never do anything more than this. I’d never try to talk with him or anything weird. I’m not violent or creepy. It’s something about the artificial closeness of therapy that makes me want just a little bit more info. But maybe the very fact that I don’t/won’t tell him makes it shady.

Anyway, I’ve never shared any of this with anyone. He assures me that he can handle anything I would say. He says they are trained for that. And if I was psychotic I’d already be in jail so I won’t tell him anything that would cause him fear of his safety. But if I tell him even a little bit, I’m afraid he’d say it would be better for me to work with someone else. That this distracts me or something. Though I’m pretty sure I’d do this with any therapist with whom I build a strong therapeutic alliance. He is really good at talking whatever we talk about and reflecting it back so I can grow.

I’m also afraid he’d be firm and set some strict boundaries. I never *need* to park near his home again, but I’m not sure if I could never search the internet again. It gives a weird comfort when my life is all whacky.

I do all of this sporadically. Maybe once every three months.

What should I do? Keep it all safely tucked away and never work through this weird neediness? Or tell him a little bit? Maybe just about my past therapist? I’m so afraid of risking losing him as a confidant. But he knows I hold back out of guilt and fear and he genuinely wants to help ease that.

Am I typical or have I crossed a horrible line? I’m ashamed and worried.

Thanks for your thoughts.

My current T encouraged me from the beginning to ask him anything I wanted to know. Therapists in the past have been SO withholding from me and accused me of all sorts of things and negative motives when it just wasn’t true. So, when current T said I could ask I figured it was just a trap to see how invasive I would be or what I would want to know about him. So... in normal client fashion I went googling. There is nothing out there on him. Nothing. But persistence pays and I found insane amounts of information by an indirect means. For me it was undeniable “proof” that he was genuine and authentic as he had not put this information out there, someone else was talking about him and it was totally the same person I see. Full disclosure here, T does not know about my google dive although at this point I think he would laugh and ask me what I thought. In the 9 or so months since my lucrative google dive T has actually shared FAR more about himself with me than what I discovered. Once he realized that, for me, the more human he is the safer I feel he opened up just about anything about himself. I have seen pictures of his yard, work he was doing on his house, him and the grandkids, him and his hobbies. He gives me a heads up if there is something going on in his personal life that I might pick up on in session... like a while back he had been really sick all weekend and I was the first client he was seeing and he still didn’t feel 100%.
So... IMO it is totally normal. I have not driven past T’s house but I do know where it is and what it looks like. I *think* my T would be concerned if I drove by or parked near his house BUT he would TOTALLY be gentle about it. He would try and find out what need I had of him that was not getting met in session that brought me to doing that. He WOULD set a very firm boundary AND would balance that boundary with a way of filling that need in me with something that didn’t make him uncomfortable. As an example if I needed to feel close he might encourage me to go to the public park that you can see from his office window.
If I were you I would most likely bring up having done it with your previous therapist. That will give you an indea of how he will respond but also with a little distance for both of you. Hopefully he is a good enough T that it won’t be an issue.

Please do not tell him you have driven past or parked at his house. People have been terminated for stuff like that.

I don't think not telling him about this stuff makes it shady. Honestly, the creepy thing to do would be to tell him and make him uncomfortable - because I mean, who does that (tells people)? People look up other people online all the time and it's not necessary to inform others when we look them up. That's weird. Jmo. Lots of people will disagree with me probably and say that therapy is different, but that's my take. I don't think you need to feel guilty and make this into a big thing because he's your therapist. If you want to talk to him about your longing for closeness or something, go for it, but make your feelings the focus rather than any actions you've taken.

P.S. The parking at his house is slightly creepy, but curiosity isn't a crime. However, it would be super creepy imo to tell him that you did that. Just put yourself in his shoes, hearing a client tell you they did that. Then sitting at home, wondering if they were going to come back. Wondering if they were out there right now.

I'm kind of with susannah on this one. If someone told me, "Sometimes I go to your street and park outside your house," that would creep me out.

I'd encourage you to try to curb that kind of thing though just in case. You don't seem to be doing it often and I think you are cognizant that it probably isn't something you need to be doing.

I think you CAN approach the subject by simply talking about how much you think about him, or even broach the idea of wanting to know more about him, where he lives, etc. and safely work through those longings with him that way.

If you tell him, be prepared that sometimes it isn't received well because people, even therapists, have histories, and sometimes that history has an actual stalker in their past. Once you've been through that kind of thing, it has a tendency to make you very cautious in the future. Been there; done that.

Whatever you decide to do, be very careful. There was a poster on this forum that got caught doing that and the therapist terminated her.

Do you feel safe to talk to him about it? But be prepared that he might indeed set boundaries.

It's not so much the searching the internet but driving, and parking(!), outside his house which is a step too far. There is curiosity and intrusion - the latter is intrusive. even scary.

Discuss the need to know more about him and I would recommend stopping the drive-bys.

When I told my therapist about my online searches, he told me a story about a talk he went to in nyc by a famous psychotherapist who told about how she drove by her own therapist’s house one time when she was in therapy in the past. He totally normalized it. I realize that not every T will do this, but some might. I suppose it depends on a lot of things.

I'm so sorry your first T died That must have been completely devastating. It sounds like he really cared about you and did so much to help you that the attachment to him was natural. And now it sounds like it's happening with T 2 but more of a curiousity thing at this stage?

It is a tricky one. There is a line but it really depends on the therapist as to when and where it is crossed by the client. I've often wanted to walk past my T's house (I don't drive and she lives very near me) but I never actually have, not so much because of the stalking thing, but because I don't want to catch sight of her family or other clients because that would upset me. I think that going and sitting outside T's house outside of appointment times COULD be seen as stalking behaviour if he caught sight of you, so that is really something to try and stop doing.

The online stuff is more harmless imo. I've also looked my T up online and tried to find out stuff about her through facebook. I've never told her about this because I feel too embarrassed but she is a very understanding T and I feel sure she would understand it, especially as she works with trauma in an attached focused way. I don't think what I'm doing is wrong per se, but I can see how another therapist might react very differently. It just depends but as the info on the internet is free for all, it's not such a biggie as actually sitting outside T's house.

I HOPE that sharing at least some of your activities with your T might result in him wanting to work with you to find ways to understand and manage this need for more info. A good T shouldn't in theory freak out, but obviously there are many Ts who aren't so good and do.

I guess it depends how much you feel able to share, but I agree with someone else that if you can at least try and curb the sitting outside his house, that would be a good start. Maybe talk a little about the online stuff and say you want to stop doing it, and see how he reacts to that before mentioning anything else.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had the answer on how to handle it. I have a similar situation with my current T. I also fear something will happen to my current T. So that adds to the problems. I haven't been able to tell her much about my searching and such
I have been able to tell her about my fear something will happen will happen ok her especially when she is on vacation.

I agree that its definitely a good idea to try and curb the sitting outside his house.

I'm also very sorry that your first T died.

I’m really sorry you’re experiencing this. I am actually the individual others were referring to who drove by her T’s house and was terminated as a result. While that ended up being a blessing in disguise in my situation (being terminated), it was probably the most shameful experience I have ever felt in my life. Honestly, it has taken a really long time for me to work through it and I’m still not there yet. I am not saying all this to shame you, but just to say that I understand the turmoil and intensity that is attachment. I’d caution you not to tell your T unless your ok with being terminated (that is a possibility if the T is not equipped to work through his own stuff), but I do encourage to think about setting your own boundaries to protect yourself because speaking from experience, MY lack of of my OWN boundaries broke my heart in the end.

I am so sorry that your former therapist died. It must still be very painful for you.

As far as the therapist that you are seeing now, try to distract yourself from going to his place. If you are doing this too often, this might happen: Even if he doesn't see you, one of his neighbors might. A neighbor might describe you and your car to him or take a picture of you sitting in your car. So, it is best to just distract yourself from doing this.