My therapist hasn't contacted me :(

Hi all, you might remember me - I popped up a few months ago and started a thread about how I found out my therapist and her wife were having a baby... and the chaos that ensued after that (discussions about boundaries, emotional attachment, therapy relationships, my strong emotions, etc.)

Anyways, the baby arrived last week and my therapist is on break We spent two months preparing for her leave, but it didn't make it any easier. She told me she would let me know when the baby was born (she took off a week prior in preparation) so I would know everything went well. It was a girl... which stupidly hurt me even worse

During the sessions leading up to her break, she asked me what I would "need" from her during our time apart. I said I didn't know. She said she had some ideas. She then said she would reach out to me once a week (she is on a 3-week leave) just to check in to let me know she was "still there." She asked if I preferred a phone call or text - I said text (I hate talking on the phone).

Today marks the end of the first week without her and she hasn't reached out. I feel broken. I know life is crazy with a newborn, but she told me she would be in touch. What if she doesn't reach out at all? Even when she reached out to let me know the baby was born, it was two days after the birth. I was so angry. I know how selfish that sounds... I KNOW I'm not on her short list of people in her life to notify. But still it hurt. And I don't know how to get rid of this sadness. It's pretty deep

I just wanted to feel some connection with this group... thanks for listening xoxo

She made some very unrealistic agreements with you and I don't think she was ever going to be able to keep them. This is painful for you. Urgh. She really should have made wiser arrangements.

I'm sorry. That's gotta hurt.

I'm sorry too, you must feel heartbroken. It would be painful enough just dealing with the changes in your T's life. My own T getting married just in itself sent me into a tailspin. But for your T to promise contact and then not do it is beyond awful. I hope she will remember and text you soon, but I'm sure that won't take the hurt away. I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm sorry, that must be really painful. But as someone who's had a newborn...it's very chaotic and exhausting. If she's anything like me, she's probably not even doing much updating of family and friends right now. I know it's really difficult, but try not to take it personally. Please know that I'm not saying that to judge you, as I'm sure I'd be feeling similarly. But don't take it as a sign that she doesn't care. hugs...

I'm guessing a first-time parent? She made a very innocent/naive mistake in saying she would stay in touch with you. Brand new parents sometimes don't realize how much their life will actually change once that baby comes home. It isn't about her not caring about you; she's just in the throws of new-parenthood.

If you have her contact information, you could probably write a quick email touching base; that would probably be better than a text because she'll get to her email when she has a moment to sit still. I doubt she would be offended so long as you don't lay a guilt trip on her. She's probably just meeting herself coming and going, and a kind check-in will be fine. Be prepared; she may let you know that she realizes now that her plan to reach out to you might have been unrealistic on her part.

She is not a first-time parent, she has a 10-year-old from a previous marriage. And her wife physically had the baby, not her. I'm not saying she isn't just as exhausted, but I would assume she would have more flexibility in being in touch with me, not being the one who had given birth. I know I'm over simplifying it and it's probably more chaotic than I'm imagining. I'm just being selfish in wanting her attention. But I can't help it. And it makes me hurt.

It isn't about you being selfish. Just understand that, even if she hasn't physically given birth, she's distracted, busy, and probably very tired.

Again, a simply check in email from you, just touching base, will probably be fine.

What Artley said.

Of course you're feeling hurt!
I would want to be able to rely on what my therapist promised.
I just think she way over estimated what she could deliver.
I'm so sorry you're feeling let down. Totally understandable. Hope she contacts you soon.

Hugs im so sorry she didn't call you that hurts. I hope she contacts you soon.

Try not to take it personally. After a baby comes, like gets turned upside down. You dont get to sleep or eat or even use the bathroom like you used to. The baby because the whole world. And dreaming about getting to sleep again. She probably hasnt even had an hours sleep since the baby, dont take it personally. She is probably more exhausted than she rven imagined possible.

She informed you about the baby being born. Just not the same day. Two days later is perfectly normal. First two days she likely didn’t even think about being on the phone.

I do understand you being sad and maybe you can contact her yourself? When she is back from her leave I’d suggest on working on some independence skills/expectations of people/ flexibility etc with her

Life must be very hectic for her, taking care of the new baby and of her spouse. I would cut her some slack. A new baby changes everything, and understandably, becomes the number one priority.

Sometimes one doesn't even have time to inform the rest of the family etc. let alone inform a client (as you said she would do with you).

If you don't hear from you, you could send a text to say 'hi. Hope all is well' but I wouldn't be accusatory e.g. 'where've you been?? you didn't text when you said you would!' etc.

I am not sure that the suggestions to contact her are in your best interests. I think this is a brutal and stark learning point - we are all less important to our therapist than their family and inner circle of friends/loved ones. I don't think the solution here is to try and reach her, I think it is far more meaningful for you to work through the reality of the therapy relationship and how hurtful relational limits can be. But by god, that is painful.

I can understand why you feel hurt. imo it was irresponsible for her to have agreed to have contact with you over break. It doesnt matter if its a first time baby or not. A lot of bonding and caretaking goes on during the first 6 weeks. Had she not made that agreement I would say that you should let her enjoy her child since you prepared for the break but if she said she would maintain contact and hasnt thats on her. I do not think you should contact her at all. Its a delicate and intimate time for her and she still deserves some time away.