[Omers]

I’m having a super crappy week so I need to distract a bit and focus on positives...
Mondays session with T was pretty wonderful. We had scheduled a double session to see how it would feel/work because all too often the hour sessions just seem too short for both of us. We did our usual check ins with nothing wild and crazy the past week. I showed T a picture I had drawn of myself at several of the ages we are working on. He was really impressed and totally got that it was my way of wrestling with acceptance of those younger parts. With most of the faces in front of me at the same time (rather that flipping through individual photos) I was able to talk to T about their different roles in my life and with eachother. I also shared my very deep fear that the littlest one would trigger and hug him without permission. I tried explaining that before but I didn’t feel understood after so I was still scared. T was perfect. “That age DOESN’T ask! They don’t know to ask! They might not even have the words to ask!” I explained how my parents responded to that age. T said because my boundaries are so strong he would be surprised if I didn’t ask before hugging him and I might see that shock. BUT if he knows that something stirred up that little one and she is needing a hug he is totally fine with that even if she can’t ask first.
T read me a book. I think he intended it for some of the trauma but it hit much deeper. I couldn’t figure it out in session so hopefully we will have time to talk about it next week. The book made me super uncomfortable which T expected so he held me while he read. I got really upset at one spot and curled up tighter and he just stopped and comforted me until I was OK to keep going (he also offered to stop). I shared new trauma stuff, I think he was relieved that I shared but that those specific traumas aren’t really an issue right now.
He is so frustrated with my former T’s. We talked about two previous experiences and you could see how hurt and angry he was. “None of them asked you about this!? None of them talked to you about this!? How can they not understand how important this is!!!”. It was strange but validating to me. The stuff awesome T and I are working on hurts so much more and has done so much more long term damage it just isn’t as dramatic. He said he would do as much reparenting as he possibly could in our time and space together.
In the last part of session, having done a lot of hard stuff, T was just holding me, making sure I felt safe and grounded. I asked to play a game. I think T was surprised but excited. So we played the game I brought. We sat over on the floor where we haven’t been in a very long time. I told T I was scared because I wasn’t able to trust the rules to be the same over there as they are on the couch. He assured me he was still the same and his boundaries were still the same. When we sat down to play the game T showed me just how much he had been listening. He sat beside me and close because that feels safer. Knowing that some younger parts of me don’t want to be seen he didn’t make a lot of eye contact. He let the parts watch him intently.
T did ask permission to show two of my projects to one of the other T’s in the building that does art therapy. He was kind of surprised by my answer. I said of course he could as I know she is bound by the same confidentiality that he is. I also told him if she had questions or anything I would answer them. I also mentioned that she could join us on some of our project sessions but I don’t think he heard me as that kind of openness is too far outside his expectations. I have run into this T in the waiting room before. She is very sweet and kind. I could never in a million years work with her as a T but would not have a problem with her observing T and I or even doing projects with us.
The only down side is I think T is getting tired of hearing how wonderful I think he is and how thankful I am to get to work with him. Nothing like 20+ years of bad therapy to make you appreciate a good one when you find them.

[Out There]

Thanks for sharing your session with us Omers. I find your sessions and your relationship with your T very fascinating and moving. He sounds so well equipped to help you with your trauma , and to share with an art T sounds very interesting. It struck a chord with me when you mentioned young parts not wanting to be seen and watching him intently. I think I do that with my T. My T has also not been found wanting over that. Insight helps so much , Thank you !