I swore at my therapist

I haven't posted in a very long time but this thread intrigued me. It's a conflict between a client feeling they have the freedom to say anything they want to their therapist at any time and a therapist's right to be off the therapeutic clock. I ran this scenario by a therapist I know who is an expert trauma therapist. She works with survivors of mass shootings and survivors of terrorist attacks. She's heard the worst of the worst in terms of people's trauma experiences. I asked her what she would do if she were on vacation with her family and she received a verbally abusive text from a client. Her answer was instructive.

She said if she received a text like that from someone she had expended a lot of emotional and professional energy working on helping to heal, she's be very hurt. She also said she'd send the client to another therapist. She said she teaches clients how to protect their boundaries. If she doesn't protect her own, she's not practicing what she's teaching.

She said when she's on vacation she's off the clock so to speak. She's recharging her therapeutic batteries, getting reacquainted with her husband who doesn't see her much during the work week and enjoying her children. She said in that moment she's no one's therapist. She's a wife and a mom. That time away is what gives her the ability to be there for her clients in their most fragile moments. She said she cannot be on call 24/7 and do the kind of trauma work she does. Respect has to go both ways.

Food for thought.

Hopefully the OPs therapist is not one of the overly sensitive reactive punitive ones. I don't believe and never will believe that a client can hurt a therapist.

I don't get this fallacy that anything goes in the therapeutic room - meaning swearing or socially unacceptable forms of anger or disrespect.

I know it is the done thing in this forum to put the onus of any- and every ill of the world in the T's court but how about taking some responsibility for one's actions and/or behaviour? The reality is, some actions have consequences.

Yes, it is absolutely okay to feel and express anger *but* treating another human being like crap is not the way to do so. Why should a client have the 'right' to tell a T to eff off but heaven forbid the T expresses any kind of anger or displeasure towards the client, in return.

No, therapy is not a one-way street where clients are entitled to mock or hurl abuse at therapists.

I’m assuming my T’s boundaries are intact enough to not check his work emails during his vacation. I haven’t specifically asked, but assume that’s the case.

MOST EXCELLENT AND OUTSTANDING POST ON THIS TOPIC!! Thank you!

I have never seen anyone say that on this site. Ever.

While I agree that the therapy space is not anything-goes, I don't think the OP ever suggested that. Nor do I think one instance of swearing at someone is verbal abuse or verbally abusive, especially when OP regrets it and doesn't normally behave that way. Is there really anyone among us who hasn't said or done something harsh that could be construed as abusive?

I asked my therapist how she would handle such a situation this morning and her response was that, even if she were hurt, her feelings would not dictate her response. Punishing a trauma client for a single slip up would do a great deal of damage to that client, maybe even re-traumatize them. Instead she'd try to understand with the client what was going on when the client said something like that, because it would be a valuable insight for her into where the client was and she could help them better.

Lrad, I hope your therapist handles this well.

To those who thinks it's a simple matter of respect goes both ways, I have a probably overly long reply:
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I was in therapy, starting at 15, for 52 years, or thereabouts, on and off.

When I first when into therapy I was told to “get in touch” with my feelings and talk about them, which I understood to me, also, express them.

When I went into therapy, I was a compulsive “good girl”, a not-to-unusual pattern in my day and culture. I knew the social rules and “obeyed” them compulsively, as much as I was able. So, I know how to do that, from a rule-following perspective.

I went through a lot of therapists trying to get in touch with myself and get to the core of my issues. I came to the conclusion – not originally a diagnosis by a professional who noticed it but me, myself – that my problems and issues must be fairly complex and I went looking for therapists who could deal with the more complex or different stuff, I thought. Still wasn’t clear what the basic problem or issues were, but I told therapists what they were to the best of my knowledge, understanding, and insight. The best I had. Still trying, externally, to do the “right thing”, in the “right way”, to the best of my sometimes changing understanding.

Eventually, I got to a therapist about 10 years ago who diagnosed me with DDNOS and PDNOS. DDNOS – now OSDD , I think – it was explained to me, is similar to DID but without “losing time”. At any rate, I think it’s fair to say that that diagnosis is consistent with my personal experience that I have “control” over some aspects of myself, as far as allowing them “on” or not, but NOT control over them when they are “on”. Also very limited knowledge about things/situations that “they” know about, so can’t use that info in my regular life.

My last therapist, the one who diagnosed me with DDNOS, had a Ph.D. and an internship and 2-year post-doc training in trauma and dissociation. I was determined – she had the training, experience, and expertise, I thought. Ihad been in therapy with her for about 6 years and had been struggling for several months. But I was determined. So, one session, I told her I had my two unpleasant/antisocial parts with me in the room. I could have left them outside the room – but it was therapy, with a dissociation-trained professional. What would have been the point in that?

I made a suggestion about how we/I might move forward. She looked at me and said something like “It would take a long time”. I agreed. Then, “there’s no room for me in that” or something – it was not an idea that was essentially relational, maybe, or something.

“I” – the part of me I had been calling “female snotty b*****” – got angry and said “b*****” to her. She frowned at me in a shaming disapproving manner. I, the rational me, tried to continue the conversation, but something inside me was crumbling. She kinda saw that happening maybe but did, or could do nothing to repair things. The next session, when I tried to talk about she said simply, dismissively, “I was triggered”. Zero acknowledgement of anything other than that.

I continued for awhile, sometimes suggesting that I stop, but she suggested that would be a mistake, until one day I said that I felt I was being exploited. She looked shocked and said “I don’t want you to feel exploited.” The next session, or shortly thereafter, she made her announcement that should could not continue with the therapy because she “did not have the emotional resources”.

OK, writing this here, 4.5+ years later, I have a slightly different and less “triggered” perspective perhaps.

But for a supposedly trained trauma and dissociation therapist to be unable to tolerate being sworn at – well, I think it would have been hard for me to prove, in the current environment, that that amounted to incompetence on her part, which is the only grounds I thought I had to make a complaint.

But I do think it was incompetent, anyway.
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To Lrad:

You have said that you are ambivalent toward your therapist and struggle with push-pull. Maybe it's not as dramatic as my dissociated parts but it does sound like you have internal conflicts. I would think and hope that he could understand that, and if he doesn't like the way you handled it this time, that he could say so in a way that could be helpful both for the relationship AND with the internal conflicts.

Hope so, anyway.

not everyone is the same and not every t is the same. I dont think anyone here is saying pain gives you and excuse yo hurl abuse at someone. That being said I find anger can be fascinating sometimes and hides a whole world, so I wouldnt terminate or be personally offended. Thos is especially true if the client was otherwise polite and didn't usually swear.

I was very angry growing up and pushed everyone away, what I know is that anger is usually there for a reason and the reason is so worth exploring. Everyone has their own boundaries and I have yet to see anyone say a T doesnt have a right to set his or her own rules for conduct.

I appreciate the support from this group. I see him tomorrow, so we’ll see how it goes. I suspect he‘ll be able to think about it in a way that is not black & white because that’s the way he’s always been. I feel mostly ok about how it’ll go, but some of the responses on this thread have got me a teensy bit worried, mostly because it’s not my usual style to upset people, and some have found my words way more upsetting than I thought. There’s another part of me that might feel some relief if he was offended enough to end the relationship.

I think you are very real with what happened and own your part of it. I also think your therapist will see this as out of character and probably indicative of something else going on, something to explore. Best of luck tomorrow.

I never said F "you" to my psychiatrist or therapist, but I've shared criticism. I adore my psychiatrist, but he can sometimes be a grumpy old man and a wet blanket. I've told him that he is a wet blanket, and a couple other things. It didn't have any lasting negative effects because he knows I adore him.He's still occasionally a wet blanket. He won't change. He has a multitude of highly redeeming qualities to make up for it.


I guess maybe you need to be open about any discomfort you have with your therapist, but in a rational calm way. A good therapist should respect that. Perhaps an apology for the "F" bomb would be good, in my view.

I do don't see it as abusive, disrespectful but not abusive. I think most Ts ca handle it occasionally and likely recognize it as a sign of the pain the client is in IF it is out of character for the client. If it a a common occurance I can see it becoming an issue.

I dont remember why but Emdr T and I had a discussion about profanity a while back. She is okay with profanity unless it is used towards her vs part of the persons conversation. If it was used towards her there would be a conversation about it not being acceptable. If it was repeated then they would discuss the person finding another therapist.

I never said "**** you" to the therapist - but I did use **** a lot and things like "what the **** is supposed to be happening here" or "how the **** was that supposed to be useful" or just in passing "I made a ****ing social worker/one of you ****ing people cry on the witness stand this morning." I did not swear directly at the therapist, but I did swear near them. I don't think the woman noticed. She really didn't pay much attention to anything I said.

I just saw my therapist and thought I’d give a quick update. The FU was so not an issue. He said I expressed myself in a raw way and he understood I was in pain. I asked him if he was upset by my email and he said, “did I like reading those words? No, but I work to understand.” We talked about how his vacation was upsetting to me, etc, and how he won’t reject me because I express strong emotions. That’s not something I was really allowed to do growing up, so when I do (usually via email) I often think he won’t handle it well and our relationship will end, but that hasn’t happened. Phew.

Glad it went well. I suspected that would be the response you would receive.

Also really glad it went well. And that he said he won't reject you for sharing strong emotions.

If you were referring to something your therapist did or said when you made the aforementioned statement, that is swearing at her. Swearing is not only F U.

Lrad, I am glad that it went well.

as I said earlier, this is the response I’d expect from a good therapist. he understands that you reacted uncharacteristically because you were in pain from abandonment trauma and sees it as something to explore rather than punish. A+