FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#1
I don’t use profanity much at all, but I sent my therapist an email telling him to F*** You. He’s on vacation and I’m having all sorts of weird feelings about it and I just can’t stand it. I have the whole push-pull thing going on with him, so I want closeness but also have a super hard time with it. I just wanted to create distance in the hopes that I’d regain control over these crazy emotions, I guess. But now I just feel ashamed. I sent him an FU email over a year ago and it comes up from time to time. At the time I had no idea that it affected him, but he recently referenced it saying something about how it upset him when I did that. So I think I wanted to upset him any way I could for making me feel anything towards him which is so incredibly uncomfortable. He hasn’t responded since he doesn’t respond while on vacation, but I suspect he’ll be all nice about it. Anyone one else swear at their therapist or am I the only one?
|
Reply With Quote |
Anonymous46341, Blueberry21, Fuzzybear, LabRat27, LonesomeTonight, Omers, Out There
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Jan 2014
Location: n/a
Posts: 4,819
10 375 hugs
given |
#2
I haven't but I know it happens a lot. The Ts and pdocs I know do not take it personally.
|
Reply With Quote |
Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#3
|
Reply With Quote |
Magnate
Member Since Sep 2013
Posts: 2,016
10 |
#4
No, I don't swear at people. I believe in respectful communication.
There are more effective ways to communicate pain or anger and so on. By the same token, IF a therapist swore at me, I would be out that door. Respect is a two-way street, for me. |
Reply With Quote |
weaverbeaver
|
Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#5
I’m incredibly appropriate and respectful and considerate in all aspects of my life which is why this feels so weird to me. But you are probably right that this wasn’t a great way to communicate. I feel like I was experimenting with a new way of being (not a great one, I’ll admit) and maybe I’m sort of curious how he’ll handle it too. Like, will he still like me if I’m not always perfect and appropriate?
|
Reply With Quote |
Fuzzybear, Omers, Out There
|
Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,788
5 7 hugs
given |
#6
I don't swear AT people. I do swear ABOUT people. So, while I might have sworn about people in my life in a therapy session, I wouldn't have sworn AT my therapist.
However, it happens. I doubt that most therapists have completely escaped that kind of vitriol directed at them at some point. Try not to beat yourself up about it too badly. It doesn't sound like it is a normal action for you. I'm a teacher, and it's happened to me a few times over the years. It has honestly never been about me, and I know that, so I try not to take it personally. That doesn't make it feel good though. It is upsetting to me, even when I know they'll turn around and apologize profusely next time I see them because they know they were out of line and just venting at me because, oddly enough, I'm a safe person to do that with and they know it. It's a paradox that way. |
Reply With Quote |
Lrad123, Omers, Out There, susannahsays
|
Poohbah
Member Since Jun 2019
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,093
4 1,732 hugs
given |
#7
Not sworn, but got very angry at T via text in a way that I don't with anyone else. I completely relate to the curiosity about whether T will still like you even if you're not perfect. This is definitely a factor for me and my T thinks it's a good sign that I can start to express anger with her and trust she won't reject me over it.
|
Reply With Quote |
Lrad123, Out There
|
Grand Poohbah
Member Since Feb 2019
Location: Toodlepip
Posts: 1,720
5 |
#8
I don't routinely swear at people but I frequently use swear language as part of my everyday communications. I don't see the big deal.
I have said "f you" to my therapist in an email. However, I have said far worse to her in person and without using swearing. It's colder and more cutting when I am vicious without obvious verbal aggression and that is how I behave when I want to hurt her. I am not proud of that aspect of my personality and we are just beginning to really dig into that nasty part of me. Your therapist might be hurt and even offended by what you have said. Hopefully he expresses his hurt because that will inform your work together. I always assume that you are a woman, Lrad123. I think it is a really important part of a woman's self-development that we look at our feelings and impulses around our aggression, hostility, and violent behaviours. We are taught to be quiet and well behaved. Sometimes we are wild and angry and therapy is a great place to witness our socially unacceptable behaviours. |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, blackocean
|
Poohbah
Member Since Mar 2014
Location: PNW
Posts: 1,394
10 106 hugs
given |
#9
My T would probably love it if I sent him an email like that. He'd think it was some sort of break through, that I was allowing myself to feel affected by him, and that I was really getting in touch with my emotions. And he would talk about it forever.
I think it's good to experiment with expressing yourself in a different way and learning not to be so bound up in being polite. As long as you can choose when you're going to let it out and when to hold back. |
Reply With Quote |
*Beth*, Lonelyinmyheart, Lrad123, Omers
|
Wise Elder
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: US
Posts: 8,413
(SuperPoster!)
10 6,440 hugs
given |
#10
My Ts and I have used swear words, but not at each other. I did tell ex-T f' you when she terminated with me. I also, in the beginning, told T I hated her. Her response was that it makes it hard to care about me and work with me when I say such things. Thay hurt me so bad. I felt so guilty. I never said such a thing again even if I was feeling it. I learned to care about her, and love her later, so it all worked out.
__________________ "Odium became your opium..." ~Epica |
Reply With Quote |
Magnate
Member Since Oct 2018
Location: USA
Posts: 2,788
5 7 hugs
given |
#11
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
InnerPeace111, susannahsays
|
Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#12
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight
|
Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#13
Quote:
|
|
Reply With Quote |
Always in This Twilight
Member Since Feb 2015
Location: US
Posts: 20,785
(SuperPoster!)
9 75k hugs
given |
#14
I didn't exactly swear at ex-MC, but I told him he made me feel like s*** in a voicemail once. (Actually, maybe on two different occasions?) I said it with the intention of making him feel bad. (No idea if it actually did.) So I understand the impulse.
|
Reply With Quote |
Lrad123
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Nov 2010
Location: Crimson cattery
Posts: 3,512
13 3,133 hugs
given |
#15
I swear, a LOT, just ask H. Pretty sure he to,d me he has never met an educated woman who uses the F word as much as I do. That said though it takes a lot to say it to a person. Now, my Pdoc has a one warning rule about using the F bomb towards her. T would have mixed feelings. If he knew it was just a temper tantrum about him being away I think he would welcome it. I do NOT show or express anger around him and that is a concern of his. If he thought there was a possibility he had hurt or upset me he would be very concerned. But... for all his prim and proper I know other clients have dropped F bombs with him... I also know he will drop them back to match their level of emotion... the first time I heard him say it? OMG I almost fell off the couch!
__________________ There’s been many a crooked path that has landed me here Tired, broken and wearing rags Wild eyed with fear -Blackmoores Night |
Reply With Quote |
LonesomeTonight, Lrad123
|
Member
Member Since Jan 2020
Location: In The Dojo
Posts: 196
4 1 hugs
given |
#16
Quote:
This. Exactly!! A few therapists that I know state that swearing in a session is fine, but swearing at one another is a big boundary violation. I agree with this. In fact, one of them is known to terminate clients for doing this. |
|
Reply With Quote |
InnerPeace111, Lrad123
|
Grand Magnate
Member Since Mar 2017
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 3,273
7 |
#17
Mine and I are fairly ok with cussing all we need to, about whatever. I find it eases my mind to not have watch my tongue. I cuss part of the time anyway, it's just part of how I talk. He also knows when he's gone too far or hit something we need to come back to later.
|
Reply With Quote |
Lrad123
|
Veteran Member
Member Since Oct 2011
Location: the sunny side of the street
Posts: 672
12 1,231 hugs
given |
#18
in the early months of therapy with ex-T, he was poking 'to close to for comfort' in a session, stirring up some very strong internal feelings and the next thing i know i'm hearing the words 'f*&K off!' coming from my mouth. turns out it was one of my protector parts (alter who is male) making his first appearance in session with my T. this was so uncharacteristic of me and my quiet, polite, meek, shy self. ex-T was quite shocked, but handled the situation well and this became the beginning in my therapy of exploring whether i was DID or not. from that moment, once this protector alter had been 'outed', lets just say that my therapy became very interesting, and not in a fun exciting way, but definitely confusing and insanely chaotic for a period as more alters began to reveal themselves slowly and cautiously overtime.
if my T would have terminated with me in that moment because i swore directly at him, i would have been absolutely devastated. i certainly hope most Ts have a thick enough skin to not take being sworn at so personally and have the integrity to help the client explore and understand the real intent beneath such an angry and often in the moment impulse. |
Reply With Quote |
here today, LonesomeTonight, Lrad123, Out There
|
Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 1,332
6 372 hugs
given |
#19
Quote:
Last edited by Lrad123; Feb 14, 2020 at 08:12 PM.. |
|
Reply With Quote |
Blueberry21, LonesomeTonight, Omers
|
here today
|
Guest
Posts: n/a
|
#20
I have a couple of alters who love to get into fights with our therapist, and she swears and them and they swear at her,apparently it’s entertaining.
|
Reply With Quote |
Blueberry21, here today, Lrad123
|
Reply |
|