Just looking for thoughts please...

Ive been in therapy for a while and it took me a long time to trust my therapist, in fact I'd say it's only recently that I've allowed myself to be more open with her. Ive always struggled with the time between sessions, but this has intensified recently, there is no reason why I should, I just do. Its painful. I've told her this but it hasn't magically shifted anything.

She has said I could reach out if I was struggling but I never did, it was like I wanted to but could never allow myself to. Two weeks ago I did reach out, and it actually felt amazing.

Well, now I'm feeling so fed up of finding this relationship so hard, it's almost like it's being in the relationship that's triggering .I'm wondering whether it would ease things if I took a break or reduced frequency, as strange as it sounds, the longer I go between sessions the easier it gets.

Thanks for reading, any thoughts?

Why don't you talk to her about it? There could be some productive info/discussion about this. It would also be preferable than just going less often.

Yes, being in relationship with T can be very triggering.

If I'm reading you right, it sounds to me like maybe being open with your T and the good feelings that brings up, is leading to your feeling a desire for that openness and good feeling inbetween sessions. There is nothing wrong with that desire, in fact it's really natural, but when the desire isn't getting fulfilled maybe it feels bad. Is there any way you can connect with other people in your life a bit more? Maybe you can find ways to fulfill the desire for closeness with somebody else, even if you can't be quite as open with them as you are with your T.

That makes sense thank you! Needs have always felt like something to be ashamed of for me. I have talked to her about it but I cant remember what she said, I forget most of our session every week.

If you forget your sessions then I suggest journaling as soon after your session as possible. Write down what you can remember from the session and the things T said that made you feel supported, trusting, or whatever else that is good. Keep doing this until find yourself retaining more of T. I did this for years and it's amazing how much I'd forgotten from early work that meant a great deal to me.

I feel like I could have written this post. I also have difficulty with having needs, yet I can feel miserable between sessions. For me, at least, I wonder if part of the reason it’s hard between sessions is that my T is someone who takes me and my thoughts, feelings, needs incredibly seriously, more so than I do myself, and it’s incredibly nice. So when I’m not there, I miss it. I also feel ashamed for missing him because my brain is wired to tell me that having needs is wrong. Anyway, I frequently entertain the idea of quitting or going less frequently in order to get rid of this feeling which can be all-consuming. I sort of don’t think that’s the answer though. I think the answer might have more to do with not running away, and with taking the time to figure it all out. Not sure if this fits for you, but I related so much with what you wrote, and this is my thought process. I most certainly have not figured it all out. I’m stuck right in the middle of the mess. I also wanted to mention that if your T says it’s ok to reach out, and it feels good to reach out, why not experiment with doing that more?

What you said really fits with me, it's just so painful at times it seems not going regularly would be the solution. I have trouble with the reaching out thing, she does say it's ok but I can never judge when I'm supposed to or when I'm not. I might feel in pain but dont actually know why and I feel if I haven't got a 'good enough' reason to then I shouldn't 🙄. Struggling with the time between sessions really drives me crazy, I hate feeling like that, or that it matters at all *sigh*

I appreciate the support, thank you.

Needs being something to be ashamed of - check

I'm happy you've found a good T