How long do you give it?

Flinders40 · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:28 AM

How long before making the determination that you don’t/ probably will never connect with your therapist?
I’ve been seeing mine for nearly two years and while she hasn’t done anything wrong I just can’t seem to connect with her. Prior to her I was seeing another therapist whom I absolutely adored and connected with beautifully (effortlessly).
However, she died about five years ago. That left me heartbroken and I’m wondering if that’s been the problem with my current T. I’ve talked to her about it before but haven’t really gotten anywhere with it. Anyway, how do you know when it’s time to give up? Or am I just not giving it my all?

Just to give you an example - I returned to therapy on February 5th after not seeing her since the beginning of December. I was out of the country for work on two separate occasions during that time - but made no effort to take her up on offers to talk via Skype or email.

I don’t really miss her when I’m gone unlike my last T who I missed like crazy when I was away.

ArtleyWilkins · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:32 AM

I honestly made that determination within a few sessions. I could tell pretty early on (honestly, usually in the first session) if our personalities would mesh and we would be able to work together. If it didn't feel right pretty quickly, I moved on.

Flinders40 · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:35 AM

I hear you and agree.
I’m just hoping/ waiting for the relationship to change I guess. Also, trying to determine if I’m the one who’s not making an effort. It would suck to have to start all over again with someone new if I’m just going to do the same thing.

stopdog · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:40 AM

I tried to figure out what was supposed to be happening for 6 years and never did. That was too long.

ArtleyWilkins · Feb 17, 2020 at 11:42 AM

I've switched therapists a few times over the years -- with gaps of off-time in between.

I never really felt like I was "starting over" with a new therapist or that we had to go over the same territory the same way. It was actually really helpful to go to a different therapist -- getting that different set of eyes on me. I went into therapy each time with slightly different goals, and more importantly, I was not really the same person; I had landed in different places with different focuses each time. I feel like I made more progress because of the changes in therapists than I would have if I had stayed with the same one the entire time. They were all quite good, but they were good for me at a give time in my life. As I changed, it was helpful for them to also change.

Flinders40 · Feb 17, 2020 at 12:07 PM

Does the fact that I’m even questioning as to whether there’s a connection basically already answer my question?

nottrustin · Feb 17, 2020 at 12:13 PM

I would think in the first couple of months it would be evident in most circumstances BUT is it possible deep down you are afraid to connect because of what happened to you last T.

I am in a very similar circumstance. My T passed 1 1/2 years ago. I have been seeing current T for 2 1/2 years (I was seeing 2 at once for a short period of time). Connecting with her has been more difficult because of my fears of losing her. It has been very slow but she is wonderful and understands and is patient.

JaneTennison1 · Feb 17, 2020 at 12:30 PM

Some I knew right away and others I knew later. Ex T2 took a year before it all went south but looking back she definitely wasnt the T for me.

ElectricManatee · Feb 17, 2020 at 01:13 PM

Have you tried talking to your therapist about how you feel like you aren't able to connect with her? Sometimes being very direct about something like that can lead to revealing conversations and changes in the relationship. Or maybe it wouldn't, and that would be useful information too. The therapeutic relationship is supposed to be set up so that you can be fairly blunt, which might be scary or refreshing depending on how direct you are in other contexts.

You can also try another therapist and see how that feels. Maybe you will do the same thing with that therapist, and maybe you won't.

I'm sorry to hear about your therapist who died. I know how rough that can be. Do you think that you might not be able to connect with this new therapist because on some level you are trying to protect yourself after what happened with your previous therapist?

Flinders40 · Feb 17, 2020 at 01:56 PM

I think deep down that might be the case. However, I’m not doing it deliberately - I actually want to feel a connection with her but I feel like I’m forcing it.
I have brought it up with her and I get the sense that she thinks it’s something that I’m doing. I guess it doesn’t help that I have raved about my prior therapist to her.

Before I give up all together I want to be sure that I’ve done all I could. But it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have any suggestions to help in the process.

nottrustin · Feb 17, 2020 at 02:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flinders40

I think deep down that might be the case. However, I’m not doing it deliberately - I actually want to feel a connection with her but I feel like I’m forcing it.
I have brought it up with her and I get the sense that she thinks it’s something that I’m doing. I guess it doesn’t help that I have raved about my prior therapist to her.

Before I give up all together I want to be sure that I’ve done all I could. But it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have any suggestions to help in the process.

Have you mentioned concerns about you talking about your other T? I felt bad talking about my 1st T so much and having a harder time trusting her and I panic aot that something horrible will happen to her. She said given the situation it is all perfectly normal and to be expected. She takes none of it personally.

Flinders40 · Feb 17, 2020 at 02:24 PM

I have mentioned my concerns about it and she doesn’t seem to take it one way or another. It’s almost as if I need to pull a response out of her - or get her to react. She only tends to respond when I raise my voice or get confrontational toward her.

It’s frustrating.

I’m starting to realize just how special my first therapist was - nothing was forced and she totally got me.

Rive. · Feb 17, 2020 at 03:25 PM

Two years is a long time to stick with a therapist and feel no sense of connection.

I knew within the first three to five sessions whether I could work with them or not.

It is harder to work with someone we don't click with and if it needs to be forced it, imo, is not worth it. I would look for, and interview, other therapists.

nottrustin · Feb 17, 2020 at 03:48 PM

It sounds like she might not he thr right fit. Maybe it would be a good idea to start looking for somebody else. Maybe when talking to them mention you are having a hard time getting over your first T and some of the issues that have arisen because of it. I suspect this is not something many have a whole lot experience with but hopefully they can understand. It is definitely a complicated grief.

Another thing that helped me is that when my T passed my current T was up front with the fact that she will never be nor try to be my 1st T. She would however do whatever she could to help me. Sometimes I do find myself comparing her to first T who I had an amazing 10 year theraputic relationship with. I have to remind myself she is not her and that I dont want her to he.

ElectricManatee · Feb 17, 2020 at 04:06 PM

If you have talked about how you feel with your T, then I think you are right to be thinking that perhaps this isn't the right T for you. I was in touch with my former T until shortly before her death, and I thought that I could never have that kind of awesome relationship with my new T because old T was a lot like me and new T wasn't very much like me at all. Then my life exploded (including old T dying somewhat unexpectedly) and I opened up more to new T, and then, to my utter surprise, we ultimately forged an even deeper connection than the one I had with my old T. It sounds like this new T isn't the person who can do that for you, so I think the kind thing to do for yourself is to look for a new therapist.

Flinders40 · Feb 17, 2020 at 04:49 PM

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think it’s a matter of finally accepting that she isn’t right for me even though I wanted it to work. It’s just so damn hard starting with someone new. It’s exhausting even thinking about it.

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ArtleyWilkins Magnate Member Since Oct 2018 Location: USA Posts: 2,787 5 7 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 11:32 AM #2 I honestly made that determination within a few sessions. I could tell pretty early on (honestly, usually in the first session) if our personalities would mesh and we would be able to work together. If it didn't feel right pretty quickly, I moved on.
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Flinders40 Member Member Since Jun 2018 Location: New York City Posts: 210 5 4 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 11:35 AM #3 I hear you and agree. I’m just hoping/ waiting for the relationship to change I guess. Also, trying to determine if I’m the one who’s not making an effort. It would suck to have to start all over again with someone new if I’m just going to do the same thing.
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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,722 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 11:40 AM #4 I tried to figure out what was supposed to be happening for 6 years and never did. That was too long. __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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Flinders40 Member Member Since Jun 2018 Location: New York City Posts: 210 5 4 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 12:07 PM #6 Does the fact that I’m even questioning as to whether there’s a connection basically already answer my question?
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JaneTennison1 Magnate Member Since Aug 2014 Location: US Posts: 2,202 9 121 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 12:30 PM #8 Some I knew right away and others I knew later. Ex T2 took a year before it all went south but looking back she definitely wasnt the T for me.
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Feb 17, 2020 at 03:25 PM #13 Two years is a long time to stick with a therapist and feel no sense of connection. I knew within the first three to five sessions whether I could work with them or not. It is harder to work with someone we don't click with and if it needs to be forced it, imo, is not worth it. I would look for, and interview, other therapists.
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Flinders40 Member Member Since Jun 2018 Location: New York City Posts: 210 5 4 hugs given	Feb 17, 2020 at 04:49 PM #16 Thanks for the replies, everyone. I think it’s a matter of finally accepting that she isn’t right for me even though I wanted it to work. It’s just so damn hard starting with someone new. It’s exhausting even thinking about it.
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