After a misunderstanding

A few weeks ago my daughter had a traumatic event happen. She lives out of state and so I traveled with a friend to help her deal with some legal issues. It was the same day as my therapy appointment. I went to the appointment after getting back.

I was very emotional. T didn't handle it well. She was trying to point out the positives. She did realize near the end of the appointment that she had handled wrong and apologized because she realized she was using CBT rather just being present to my pain. We didnt discusse it then. I felt like she totally minimized the pain and how I was feeling.

I ended up talking to her on the phone. She again apologized and I told her each of the things that she said that bothered me. I told her the rational part if me knew that it was not what she meant but the emotional momma bear was really upset. Also, one of the things I mentioned to her was that I thought she misunderstood my life and how depression and such effects me. Without actually saying the words I said I felt judged.We had a great conversation and she told me that she was no way minimizing what I felt nor did think she judged my life the way I thought. She asked questions and encouraged me to always tell her even if I contact her after the fact by phone. She doesn't want me to wait to talk to her about it

Since that appointment things have been different. On one hand it is good on the other hand it makes me nervous. This is the first time I have ever mentioned being upset with any therapist. So not sure what is going on. Since then our appointments have been way less intense, sometimes we get totally off topic. She will recognize we are off topic and she is talking to much so to stop her if I want. At one point she mentioned one of her weaknesses, I told her that knowing her weaknesses make her human and I like that she is human. Shas also revealed some personal things that relate to things we are discussing but not something she did much of in the past.

Last night we had a pretty bad snow storm. Going to her office wasn't to bad but the drive home was horrendous. Being that I worry about her being in an accident. It took every ounce of restraint not to contact her to make sure she was safe. About 45 minutes after I got home I received a text from her stating how horrible the roads were and wanted to make sure I made it home safely. On the one hand it feels nice that she cares BUT the part of me rht fears abandoned (weather intentional or non intentional (like death) wants to run.

So I wonder if after an issue in therapy is it typical to have such a drastic change?

To me it sounds like a positive. I have loved awesome T from the first session. He was warm, welcoming, sensitive and while he was totally off base with those things there were others he totally got. I didn’t really connect though and I wasn’t allowing therapy to happen... he told me so, I looked at him doubtfully. He wanted to play a game to help me relax and connect. Having grown up in a family that didn’t play that was a very loaded activity and I declined. What is safe for me is learning. He has a hobby I have some interest in but know nothing about so I asked him to teach me. He was more than a bit skeptical. He went and got his phone though which has lots of pictures of his hobby on it. He accidentally stopped on a family picture though with one of the grandkids. He was holding her and I triggered. I knew it was irrational, he wasn’t doing anything wrong it was just seeing something totally normal for most people that I had never seen before. We eventually talked through it and as we did he discovered that knowing the person him made me feel safer. For a lot of his clients they need him to be the doctor, the expert, something outside humanness. I don’t, I need him wholly human. Since then he shares... a lot. It almost always gently brings up something for us to process (last session he mentioned something about his divorce (many years ago) and it was exactly what I am dealing with from my son moving out... he had no idea but discovered it was hugely therapeutic). Anyway, some clients need that blank slate or that perfessional persona to feel safe and comfortable in therapy. Some of us need real people with real lives who make real mistakes.
I was late to session once and T called twice, texted and emailed (in 10 minutes) because it was not like me and he was scared something happened. He always gets a post session email letting him know how I am after session eith Monday night or Tuesday morning. If he didn’t get one at this point I think he would worry and reach out. He knows basically where I live (we discovered he is friends with one of my neighbors) so if there was an accident on my way home that could have been me I suspect he would check on me. Yeh, the attachment is huge and with that so is the fear of loss or abandonment. I try to be OK with it and trust that it is part of the healing. Sometimes it is easier than others.
His change was not as drastic as your T’s change sounds. It sounds like she is doing the right thing though and responding to your needs.

Thank you Omers she definitely wasnt blank before. She is just giving a lot more detail. We both share the same faith. Shr typically doesn't disclose her religion because many clients will assume her beliefs on certain topics. However since I brought up my religion in our first appointment she disclosed hers. We frequently discuss religion and how it works in my life and the surface level of hers. The last couple of weeks she has gone mate in depth about her faith journey and where she has fallen.

Yes, my T and I have done that too. We are in an area where most people’s belifs are different than ours even though we are of the same faith. We have both found safety in talking about spirituality with eachother. It is a hard one for many though.

I feel that there was a similar change with Dr. T when I terminated in early September after a rupture, then came back a couple weeks later. He's just seemed different toward me since I've come back, warmer, more empathetic. He's also seemed to share more of himself with me. For example, when I was dealing with an issue with D a couple months ago, he said, "If this were going on with my son, I wouldn't know how to deal with it either." When in the past, he'd have likely said something like, "I think most parents would have trouble dealing with that" instead of personalizing it. And other stuff like that (including one time when I was talking about something with H, and Dr. T was like, "Well, if we were married, I would..."). I think I've seen him wipe a few tears while we've been talking about certain things (particularly my D) as well, which I don't recall seeing before.

He's never initiated reaching out to see if I'm OK/safe, like your T did. But there have been a couple times since I've come back when I texted asking an extra session. In the past, he'd have just listed what times he had available, then I'd have accepted (or not), and he's said "see you then" or something generic. But the most recent times, he's said something like, "I hope you're doing all right." Or said if I wanted to email to explain more what was going on, that I was welcome to do that.

The whole asking him to stand when I leave thing was one of the ruptures over the summer. But since I've come back, when it's been time for me to leave, he's stood up and opened the door for me, then held his hand out (while still standing) every time (well, a couple times we just waved because one of us was sick). A few times, he sat down at his desk out of habit, then on his own was like, "Oh right" and stood back up.

I feel I've shifted a bit in how I am to him as well, though it's hard to explain. It's like we each have more respect for each other, almost.

Also, at first, I was really afraid to rock the boat, to ask for anything (like the standing), to talk about the relationship (aside from the first session or two back). I was nervous about trusting things being better, sort of like you said. Eventually, I told him about those fears, and we had a good discussion about them. How if another conflict came up, we'd work through it like we did the others. And how he feels our relationship has been stronger since I came back, and I agreed. And he said maybe we had to get through some of that to get where we are now.

So, yes, I think this sort of thing can happen after a rupture, where the relationship shifts in some way, whether positive or negative. With ex-MC, the shift was negative, and we didn't seem able to come back from it. I thought that's what would have happened after the late August/early September rupture with Dr. T, which is why I left. But I'm glad I decided to try going back.

I'd consider talking to your T about your concerns. I wonder if you're both concerned about addressing intense topics now, after what happened. So it could be good to bring up.

I wonder if it is a matter of her giving me space to do it at my speed. One of the things I have noticed when thi ng s javent genes smoothly and I gave been frustrated and opened told her it weeks to bring my level of trust up a bit. I find like the word rupture because it seems so negative like things are broken. I have learned to tell her when things dont sit right with her even though it is very anxiety provoking.

Our religion is quite common in our area. For me it is nice that we can discuss how our faith affects all of our lives. I cam talk about how some of my struggles are at odds with my religious beliefs.

A couple of weeks ago we discussed a particular topic and not knowing how to handle it. We discussed various options. As we were ending the appointment she said that she was pretty sure I would do this anyway but pray over it and listen.

She said nearly on she would love to be able to incorporate religion into her work more bit because of the fear of judgement many potential and current clients would have it would not really be an option. A couple of the populations she specializes in would not see her because they would think this about her that were not true.

I almost always find that the anxiety about doing something (like, telling her things don't sit right) is worse than the actual telling or doing.

oh absolutely. I stress about saying things this but she always handles it very well. She doesn't get upset or defensive which was my past experience with people in my life.